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10/16/2008 01:16 PM

my boyfriend is bipolar...

MissR04
LilyOfTheValley  
Posts: 15
Member

Hi, this is my first post on this site

My boyfriend and I have been going out for seven months...they have been amazing. I never loved anyone before him

I knew he had a horrible childhood and developed some type of bipolar disorder, but as our relationship progressed, he became more and more stressed out. My parents, being both people of science (a dentist and a department chair for science) and country club snobs, disliked him right off the bat for A. not being all J. Crew'd out and B. because other adults had warned them that there was "something not right" about him

my parents tried to split us up numerous times - i am the kind of girl who lives to please people, mainly my parents, so my mother was well aware of her power in my relationship. Over time, the stress that I was projecting wore him down, and we ended up temporarily breaking up because of it.

Now, he would sometimes act a bit strange, then apologize an hour later. I was confused at first, because i did not know the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I have a family member who is very bipolar, and he is a violent, hurtful man. Since i had told my boyfriend about him, my boyfriend was afraid to tell me about his racing thoughts and how he felt.

His biggest fear is that he is manipulating me. It's hard to tell from both sides. I mean, when he sen me flowers one day, my dad was raging at how manipulative it was of him to send me flowers when i was upset. Also, his bipolar disorder prevents him from being able to make up his mind, resulting in "flip-flopping." Sometimes I feel dangled. He requested that I always tell him if I feel manipulated, because he legitimately does not know if he is.

Anyway, we are both neurotic individuals, so whenever we disagreed, it would usually progress. My boyfriend would never become physically or verbally abusive, but he would act out of character. During some of his stress-induced mood swings, he emailed my father expressing his love for me and asking my father if he could understand him, and he also wrote on my FaceBook wall that he loves me (also criticizing my mother, who told me to make him stop writing I LOVE YOU on my wall). Sometimes, he'll say things I know he doesnt mean.

However, our last big argument was awful. It was this Monday. I knew that he was going to apologize an hour afterward...but i decided that enough was enough. I told him it was over. He only asked that i allow him to explain the full extent of his bipolar disorder to me. I agreed...and now everything makes sense. We talked on the phone for hours, and he had written me two apologetic and explanatory messages as well. We did get back together, but we agreed that if it ever happens again the way it did on Monday, we HAVE to break up.

So here is my confusion. I am still hurt and he knows it (he knows he has to earn my trust back). He IS sorry, and we came up with a few ways to prevent him from slipping into one of his "moods" (talking about stress, how we feel, etc) and i now know his exact triggers. I know when to hang up the phone and when to tell him to snap out of it. However, we are in a long distance relationship. Soon, he'll be transferring to a college near me (he's not following me - he really wanted this school!) I still can't get over this fear of being manipulated and of getting my heart broken again. He had tried and failed on several meds as a younger teen, but now he uses medical marijuana in a controlled dose and is taking up meditation and jogging again. Even though I love and forgive him, I am still frightened about the future...can anyone give me advice or coping methods? Thank you

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10/16/2008 03:14 PM
kimminentdanger
kimminentdanger  
Posts: 2517
VIP Member

Hi MissR04 -

First, let me say welcome to the group - I'm glad you found us....

My first piece of advice to you is this: You said you now know when to tell him to "snap out of it". THE BIGGEST PIECE OF ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU IS NEVER EVRE EVER EVER tell a bipolar to "snap out of it".

Toots, that's a poison phrase.... you have to understand that our condition makes it so that we CAN'T snap out of it, and hearing that come from someone (especially someone we love and trust) smetimes serves only to make us feel like NOBODY will ever "get" us...

There are more "poison phrases" that you need to avoid... If you want to know about them, send me a PM (private message) and I'll go over the whole lengthy and exhaustive list with you!!!! W00t

The SECOND MOST IMPORTANT piece of advice I can give you is this: Don't EVER in a MILLION BILLION GAJILLION YEARS think that anything you'll do can fix him... There is NO CURE for bipolar disorder... The best you'll ever be able to do is help him keep stable, and support him while he tries to get that way... If you think you'll "fix" him, you're only setting yourself up for disappointment. Sorry, but that's the truth, and you deserve to have it.

THIRD: Being bipolar is not a free pass to treat other people like shit. If you think he's manipulating you, he probably is.... We're mentally ill, not stupid. Wink Don't let him use bipolar disorder to get out of owning up to the crappy things he does to you. That's not to say that he probably needs a bit more slack than a "normal" (and I use that term loosely) boyfriend would, but don't let him run you over. In other words, "I'm sorry I flipped out on you and called your mother a dirty whore, but hey - I'm bipolar..." doesn't cut it. You kow what I mean?

FOURTH: Your relationship and your personal mental health will suffer if your boyfriend is not participating in treatment. Is he on medication? If he's not, he should be. Immediately. If not sooner.

FIFTH: You gotta remember that you are NOT ALONE... we are here 24/7, and if you ever need to vent, bitch & moan, cry, chit chat or ANYTHING, come here and talk to us. We "get it".....

I could say 20 more pages worth of things to you - but I'll say this: I'm in your corner, and I'm only a click of your mouse away... I can feel your frustration jumping right off my computer monitor... But I can also tell that you're a "fixer", and that can be tough when you love someone with BP... I put my BF through HELL ON EARTH for a very long time.... Thankfully, he's got the patience of a saint, and I don't know how he managed to hang in there with me through the years that I refused treatment, but he did... WHEW!!!!

If you need me, I'm here - just send me a message....


10/16/2008 03:30 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

MissR04 , Welcome to the group

I too am in a long distance realtionship with someone that i plan to be with soon As kimmie has stated the only way to help anyone with bipolar is too learn about it . Also know that we as partners need to take care of us . I would highly suggest that he and if not him you go to counseling for yourself .


10/19/2008 09:45 PM
MissR04
LilyOfTheValley  
Posts: 15
Member

UPDATE:

He visited me in college this weekend. It was wonderful! Never have we both been so relaxed and so happy...

He did start to slip into a "mood" this morning, but HE managed to suggest I take a shower and come back. He was fine when I did. We had several "talks" that used to nearly ruin us, but we now feel CLOSER after talking!

We also discovered two of his triggers and exactly what to do in said situation. I love him, and we're working toward a future together.

This was by far the best weekend of my life

I love this site - it gave me advice, tips, and a place to release my thoughts and feelings. Thank you so much!


10/20/2008 10:38 AM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

Well that is great news and glad he is aware of his moods and all will make it weasier to predict when they will come
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