New bipolar g/friend wants 'space'. How to handle?

Recently though she's moved into her own place and this seems to have brought on more depressive episodes. She tole me she spent one whole day just inside crying for no reason and recently she has been extremely caught up on my past relationship - I was going out with a girl long term and we broke up. What she can't get over is how I 'got over' this past relationship so quickly - I told her that I didn't - that I grieved and cried and hurt. She can't seem to accept this though - it's like her brain is 'stuck'.

Last night we were talking about it again and she started shaking, wanted to throw a glass at the wall and she kept saying 'it's in my head, it's in my head'. She believes me - but it's like her mind won't let her 'believe' it.

I had never seen one of these 'psychotic episodes' - as she called it - but I was supportive and comforting but I could see she was in a LOT of mental pain.

Then at the end of our long discussion she asked if we could 'just be friends for a while'? At first I was shocked but soon pulled myself together.

She said she needs to go into her own world for a bit, hibernate and get her thoughts together. She said she doesn't like partners seeing her in this state - and she just wants a bit of 'space' to work these thoughts through. She also said she can't handle the 'expectation' to work this out straight away.

So I've agreed to give her 'time' - she still wants to remain friends and hang out together and we both agreed we didn't want to 'lose each other'.

I spoke to her today and just let her know I wasn't going anywhere and she can talk to me anytime. To which she replied 'Thankyou but I don't think I feel like talking yet and I don't have any answers'. I

said 'that's fine'. She said 'I just need to lie down on grass and think'. She's also been sleeping a hell of a lot since that night together and she is under quite a bit of stress at work.

I keep trying to tell myself this isn't about me - that she's not rejecting me - this is about her and her illness and what else can I do except still be her friend, don't pressure her and hope she'll

give us a second chance once she 'sorts herself out'? It's quite a balance though to 'be there for her' but 'give her space' at the same time. By the way - two nights before she was telling me I had all the

qualities she was always looking for in a man -then 'bang' - I'm on the outer...

Any advice much appreciated. I really love this girl. Cheers Scott

I don't know how much help I can be. In my situation, my husband and I were married for 22 years before he showed any sign of bipolar. I know that he sees both a pdoc. and a counselor. They see him weekly when he is having an episode and about every six weeks when things are going well. The meds. are constantly being adjusted, so every year really doesn't sound like enough.

It sounds like your girlfriend is having an acute episode of depression. She probably can't work through it herself, and if you can you should convince her to see a doctor. The meds. might need to be adjusted.

What I do know from watching my husband suffer through the depression is that she is probably so down on herself that she thinks she doesn't deserve to have anyone love her. Try to be her friend for now if that's what she says she wants, but also try to convince her to get professional help.

Welcome to our forums...

It sounds like you are a sensitive, caring guy who really wants to be there for this girl. You know a

lot about it already and your instincts are very sound.

That's a lot to accomplish in only 6 months.

First things first. Manic depression and bipolar are

two names for the same illness. From what you've said,

and what she's said and done, she has it. She needs

medication, coping skills and a support team of a

therapist, psychiatrist, family and friends to live

her life. Going to see her doctor once a year isn't

nearly enough...Anywhere from three times a week to

once or twice a month, depending on her condition,

is more like it. Her therapist can help her decide

how often she needs counseling. One word of caution-

she cannot handle this alone and it sounds as if

that's what she's trying to do. Isolating is part

of the illness, so please encourage her to reach

out and seek help.

You haven't said much about her family or other

friends. Are they supportive of her efforts to live

with bipolar? Can you talk to them about how best

to help her, or are they in denial? Has she shared

with them about how bipolar makes her think and feel?

One last thing...you cannot do this alone either.

If you remain in her life, please get the support

you need to stay stable. Being in this support

group is an excellent start, and you can and

should get counseling if you feel you need it.

I hope this helps a little...please let us know

how you're doing. We really do care.

Hugs, Sue

I don't know if it will help you, but I want to talk to you about my fear.

I will use the word "you" as a surrogate for all the "you's" in my life, all the loving caring people from whom I ran--in fear.

In any state of mind, but especially in my depression, I have so much fear--fear which defies explanation, and mental and emotional anguish which goes so far beyond the worst physical pain I can imagine.

My fear is not like the fear of others, but it is the nameless and elusive fear that takes shape in every shadow; the fear perhaps of accounting for myself; the fear maybe that I don't like myself and that you will not be able to love me enough to make up for that--fear most of all that life is all pain.

I know about fear, Scott, and I know how fear drives me to isolate, to punish myself for not facing my fear; but, when we sit, eyeball to eyeball, you and I, rather than to speak of my fear, I can only say, "I am not good enough. You shouldn't have to deal with this on my account. This is no good, and I'm going to leave now--to spare you."

By leaving, I prepare to deny you the one thing we both want--to deny you the right to give me your love, your help, and your comfort, because I feel guilty, knowing that, on my best day, I am incapable of giving love in kind to you. I'm keeping score, and in doing so I give you more points than I give myself. My mind makes me the loser before the exchange even starts. My mind negatively assumes that love is lost before it begins.

And you live in a reasonable world, in which you say, "We can get past this. We can work it out. Love conquers all."

But, my mind denies me the ability to reason, for fear robs my mind of that ability.

I know something is wrong with ME, but I am as yet unwilling to do something about it.

So what will you do about it? How will you demonstrate your love? How will you pursuade me that it is alright for me to receive from you what I cannot return? How will you take away the pain of being me, the guilt I have that I cannot be who you want me to be--the fear that I will fail myself and you, again and again?

In my cups, I feel self-pity; and self-pity validates my negative self image. How will you change that?

In our discussion at MDJ, we sometimes speak of "tough love"--detaching without disconnecting. And what is "tough love?"

In my mind, tough love means standing beside someone to help them face their fear--to reassure someone that "trying", NOT running, defines true love--to encourage someone to fail on their own terms--to allow their pain to temper and nurture their growth--to offer hope ("I know you can do it!) and faith to rise up from failure, rather than to offer them relief or pity for their "suffering."

By and large, I no longer live in fear, Scott, and that's because someone finally showed me the value of tough love.

I no longer have a problem returning love. Moreover, in the world of true love, no one is keeping score!

I was the person who always ran. With help, I learned to stand and face my fear. I believe your girlfriend can do it too!

With kindness and respect,

Jim

I will never forget some parts of my past, and I never, never want to go back to that hell.

Later, Gator!

Jim

Welcome to the forum! Glad to see you here though you've come in pain, we will be here for you, too!

Everyone seems to addressed your concerns well. One part, maybe I missed it, was addressing her fixation on your past relationship. Fixating and working it over and over in her mind, makes her probably feel vulnerable in your relationship or she's owned or taken on the prior female's role in her own mind.

It is not good to ever discuss past relationships with new ones. If we need to talk we should go find counseling. Otherwise, it should be adamantly said so to the new obsession 'friend'.

Hope for you and your love!|

C.

This whole 'space' thing is just so difficult - to make it worse last night I had a bad dream that she was in a car accident - so much so - I drove past her place last night to see if her car was OK. And at that exact time she walks out and sees me - I told her the truth - why I was there - she was fine but I was very uncomfortable and she inisisted on kissing me goodbye (she was heading out) - but does this just mean I've now crowded her more??

Thankyou all for your words of wisdom - some of them really did bring a tear to my eye. Regards Scott