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10/09/2008 05:55 AM

Are you like me?

Yvonne802
Yvonne802  
Posts: 2055
VIP Member

I have low self-esteem. Most of the time I feel worthless. When I am depressed my self-esteem is in the toilet and when I am manic its inflated but my baseline is low. Both my doctor and my therapist tell me low self-esteem is common in the mentally ill. I guess I am average then. Combined with the low self-esteem is a little paranoia. Not the kind where I felt I was being watched etc but the kind that makes me think people don't like me. I think my friends don't like me and even my family. So you see its both the low self-esteem and some paranoia. I was afraid all of you don't like me too. Like I came on too strong with all my posting yet here I go again. I hope you like me.
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10/09/2008 06:03 AM
countrymouse
countrymouse  
Posts: 5693
VIP Member

I like you Yvonne, and I understand the way you feel. I have low self esteem, somtimes it's hard for me to do the smallest thing like getting dressed. I try and when I'm done I'm back in my jammies and in a bed covered by a pile of clothes and crying. I am paranoid too. I am also afraid that my friends (of which I have few) don't really like me, and are constantly talking behind my back, I've also felt the fear of thinking that the people here at the mdjunction don't like me either...even though their support is unwavering, as I experienced yesterday.

Yesterday I was so low I thought I wouldn't make it. Today's a little better. The difference yesterday was made by the friends I have here and their understanding of how I was feeling.

I've gone on too long, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.


10/09/2008 06:06 AM
jritchie
jritchie  
Posts: 9229
VIP Member

Guess I'll join that club. Low self esteem, except when I'm manic, then I think I'm all that and a bag of chips. LOL But yeah, I think I'm never good enough, never pretty enough, never smart enough, never thin enough, etc. Got some of that from my Parents, but the rest must be from the MI. Fun. CM, I try on so many clothes when I go out and I hate them all.

10/09/2008 06:18 AM
Jessy914
SpazyJess  
Posts: 3456
VIP Member

I hear ya on that one jritchie! My parents sometimes get me to feel like I'll never measure up to their standards, but somehow I love them anyway, I just try to people please so I get down when I can't meet their standards b/c I want acceptance. My self esteem gets real low when I'm depressed. I tend to think that I'm a piece of crap when I'm feeling down and out. Then there's other irrational thoughts that creep up.

10/09/2008 06:19 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Yvonne, honey, I love you to pieces...sweetie. If you have low self-esteem then lets work on fixing that. I know I am a fixer...just can't help myself. I am mentally ill and have over the years built up my esteem by giving myself challenges. It began with going back to college when I was in my 30's...something I had trouble with earlier, because I wasn't stable. Each time I met a challenge it added to the fact that I can do things. I looked around me and said if they can do it, I can do it...and did.....

You can do this, Yvonne...look inside...you are smart, you can do anything you set your mind to do. Having bipolar disorder does not make you any less than any one else out there. And there is some advantage to it. I can do so much more than the average person when I am manic...just have to watch and not get too manic. And when depressed I use it as a time to rest and regroup...

Hugs to you sweetie..I am pulling for you.


10/09/2008 06:31 AM
debiski
debiski  
Posts: 5493
VIP Member

I definitely have low self-esteem problems. I'm never good enough, smart enough, productive enough or thin enough. My low self-esteem does not improve when I'm manic. I tend to shop a lot and buy things for my granddaughter, but I only feel good for HER, not for me.

I don't think my parents contributed to this problem as they never degraded me in any way. Of course they never really praised me or told me they were proud of me either.

My daughter has low self-esteem issues as well. She puts herself down all the time and always dates guys who are verbally/emotionally abusive toward her. I'd like to see her get help, but she just won't do it.

Deb


10/09/2008 06:33 AM
Jessy914
SpazyJess  
Posts: 3456
VIP Member

CM, I'm glad that today's a bit better for ya. I too get the paranoia sometimes like people talking behind my back and feeling threatened. Sometimes I don't think that I'm liked here either, especially when I don't get a response, so then I feel like a weirdo for feeling the way I am feeling and talking about it on this thing (my own stuff I know). I then start to think, these people must be getting tired of my blurbs, which is silly. Maybe there's just nothing to say, I dunno. One example is when I talked about my situation in looking for work and frustrations with that. I was heartened to see your response, but thought that maybe others can't relate or know what to say or think I'm a BP screw up or something. Again, my own stupid insecurities popping up.

10/09/2008 06:55 AM
jritchie
jritchie  
Posts: 9229
VIP Member

You're right Norma; when I think rationally, and think about all I've been thru and accomplished, I'm proud, or at least I try to be proud. Even my Mom said I deserve to live in my nice house and that I worked hard.

But when I'm feeling low.....oh boy, it's hard then, isn't it. I used to call my last Ex in the middle of the night crying that I was a loser, just sobbing. He was the only one that understood my moods. Too bad he was such an asshole Smile

But Yvonne, I like you Smile


10/09/2008 06:56 AM
MsJ
MsJ  
Posts: 8678
VIP Member

I think most of us feel like we will never measure up to other people. I was always the pretty one out of my sisters, but my sisters always had the good friends, the ones that went out of their way to help them. I was always jealous of that. I still am. Now I am fearful of making friends, afraid that no one will like me or understand me, so I am alone. I don't think insecurity is a BP issue exclusively, maybe a female issue, due to society's idea of the perfect one. I guess the best thing to learn is to like yourself and try to feel comfortable in your own skin.

10/09/2008 07:26 AM
ceegee
ceegee  
Posts: 961
Senior Member

I know what you mean, I have low self-esteem, coupled by the fact that I cant really trust my thought process, I am so off base on so many things. it always take me so long to "get" things, I just know people have a good time laughing at me. I think the wrong things and say the wrong things. I spend my life wanting to be somebodyelse, I even sit and imagine what it would be like to be someone else. then I feel guilty because I could have had a really rewarding life, I have had so many chances and messed them all up! I messed up so many good chances that now what am I left with! I am so afraid to even try anymore, I just want to disapear, all the talents that I once had, have gone away. everybody tells me how interesting my life has been, but they don't know how I mess all those interesting opportunities up! how I have lost all credibilty and respect with so many people. I look at my children and I embarrassed about what they thought of me. I really wasn't there when they were growing up. I was to into me, I always thought that if I showed them instead of telling them how to make thier dreams come true that they would thank me. but I was thinking all wrong and I know that now! I wasn't a good mother and I feel guilty about that. although now I have a good relationship with them but I missed birthdays and went long times without seeing them, I honestly thought that as long as they were being taken care of they would be alright and that I really didnt need to be with them, that they would be better off. and they are all right and who knows maybe I did do them a favor by not being in thier lives so much! because they don't have the issues that I had at thier age, they are way more responsible. I wasn't stable and couldn't understand anything about how life is supposed to go. I always tried to do the right thing and I couldn't understand why I was always wrong. I couldn't understand why nobody liked me, why I had no boyfriends, I wasnt ugly, I thought that I must be a horrible person and God was punishing me, the only thing was I didn't know what I had done wrong. I really had no clue of how to live! I had no common sense at all, I didn't know how to be a grown up, I was hanging around with kids while i was grown because I couldn't relate to grown people, i know that sounds stupid and it is stupid so i was stupid. I wish I could do things over! I dream about doing things over! but I can't, now I am old and all I do is think about what my could have been like if I had only knew what I everybody else knew. I feel like I am retarded. I'm scared to try again! I'm terrified of starting over because my life is doomed, I'm just like the 42 year old working at Mcdonalds! I'm afraid that My drive is gone! I try but I can't find it anymore! OH GOD! I'm so depressed right now! I have to go get ready for work, now I don't even want to go. I'm sorry for rambling on like this... I'm not looking for pity or anything, its just the way I feel...
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