Bipolar Support Group

Please I am lost and confused and would appreciate any guidance or wisdom this forum can provide- It may be a long post - but after 15years I need to share and try to find some answers. It may sound like it’s a relationship advise post but I just have so many questions and limited answers. I love my wife she is a good person but 3 months ago after a depressive episode my bipolar wife of 15yrs left. There is nothing I can do to save the relationship. When I say bipolar wife she have never been diagnosed as bipolar but has been on medication for depression. I feel like I have been through the wringer over all this time but really just don’t know anymore if it was “the condition” or a bad relationship or if I am the reason everything bad in her life. First I need to clarify the bipolar comments. It has been hard to get my wife to see any professional and to this day I am still “held to blame “for getting the first mental health person to see her. Basically get a pill- problem solved - feel better for a long time, off pills- slow process back down to the “bipolar”off to doctor again. No counseling, no follow up with doctor, and there has been nothing I can do change this pattern. For the condition the depressive side of things is evident, on the manic, it is , but a not all things from what I have read so far. The highs are there, but not the elation. There certainly is the increase sexual activity, boundless energy like non stop workaholic and she does know she will “crash” and does and there is a lot more on the manic side. I know I am not doctor or that but suppose you just know these things after so long with the highs. I still cringe when I get the, for no reason , love talk from her – the I love you so much cause I know that it came out of the blue doesn’t sound “normal” and soon that will not be the case and back to the stress.

When my wife was on medication I felt we had good communication and a good relationship. Problems could be talked about, discussed and resolution or compromise reaches. She would complain at this time however that she would not “feel” that life was boring – level, no highs (missed) no lows and was concerned at her decrease in sexual appetite mean she didn’t love me. She did admit however that our relationship had never been better. Then she stopped (self medicated) taking her medication and slowly over the last 6 months that good relationship slow disintegrated back to fights, stress and tension till she decided to leave. Reasons given were (in a depressed state), it needs to be all about me, me , me, if I don’t leave I’ll go mental or be dead. Now I am no saint and have done and said things that would affect any person in a marriage, no infidelity or anything like that but having a blended family and step children has caused its own issues Ok I know that is a bit of rambling and maybe not to the point. So maybe you have a little understanding and help me with these questions as said way up the front I don’t know anymore if it was a bad relationship or if it was all me. I know what it was like to live in the relationship, the tension, stress, the waiting game for the next fight, the do not engage, do not engage talk I said to myself. What happens if I do not agree with her? Can I please have your comments and guidance on the following and my apologies to all for my ignorance or harsh questions if the offend.

1: My step son and I call it Alison’s world – does the condition affect one view of reality. Is it different than one who does not have the condition. I often said – if the world knows the sky is blue and you think it is red – then it is red. Argument do not work nor discussion – it like a hitting your head against a brick wall

2: Are they ever wrong.

3: No matter how hard you try to make her happy – it was

a: Too little too late or b: Never good enough. C : Wrong

4: Am I always wrong – wrong in what I do, say , or how I react. She never is.

5: Super sensitive– the words I use sometimes in an argument would I expect hurt a person without this condition, as hers have to me but would be able to move on and go past this - but for her it goes straight to heart , never recovers and never forgives or forgets. Not just me but work people and family members as well.

Never forgets never gets over it and eats away at her. It stays in and festers.

6: I have wonderful memories of our life together, the things we have done and seen.

She does not , none, if we had 3 days away having a great time , what would be remember was the 2hrs when I did something wrong or not to her liking. Is this part of the condition – that is what would stick and be remembered to be brought up at some stage.

7: Does every fight have to get to the divorce question from her – to me and to herself.

Number 5 and 6 are the important one – our relationship killer and really do not know if this was part of the condition.

She does hate the fact that she has “some type “ of condition. Will not accept it, we could never talk about it , what it did to her, to me and to us.It just didn’t matter about how I felt , as I cause all her pain, mood, behavior and poor feeling anyhow. Remove me , remove the problem.

I don’t know there are some many more questions but this is a good start for me – thank you for reading so far

Welcome to the group. It sounds like you have been through the wringer. The first step is for her to get a proper diagnosis. From what I understand, she would not likely favor the idea. There are some quizes online that she can take to see if she meets some of the criteria for having bipolar disorder. Maybe you could just talk her into take an online quiz. Reassure her that having this illness is not the end of the world.

Your relationship could probably benefit from using the communication tool called the speaker/listener technique. It can be found in the Healthy Relationships forum and the link is in my signature.

I hope you can convince her to see a professional and get a diagnosis. Be sure you are taking some time to take care of yourself through all this. MdJunction also has a bipolar spouses support group that may help you as well.

Hello Ajohnta Let me just say that you have been on a roller coaster ride you don't know how to get off of. I just want to share my experience with you and I hope maybe it will help you a little.

I had been married for 12 years to a wonderful man. We had a son together and you could not ask for a better father. I was just like your wife. I was constantly unhappy. Terrible mood swings. My husband loved me dearly but he could never do anything right and I was always angry at him. There would be times when I would adore him and think he was the most fantastic person on the planet as well. As the years went on the problems with my moods and changeability became too much for him to bear. He never once mentioned divorce, in the end it was I that left. He would tell me "Baby I think you need help. I think you need to see someone." I would get so offended by this. I said to him on more than one occasion "I refuse to be drugged into complacency!!" I was certain HE was the problem, not me. I would tell myself 'ya know if I was with someone else I probably wouldn't be this unhappy'. After time marched on a little more he began to spend less and less time at home. After work he would go to the bar with the guys and stay out not coming home until 11 or later and then when he did he would be more than a little buzzed. This was like ammunition for me. I could justify myself by saying "SEE he can't even be bothered to come home to his wife and child!!" Now I look back and I think "who could blame the poor guy?" He essentially ran out of options. He told me years later that he always thought he could fix me but he just couldn't. He wanted to badly. He thought if he loved me enough or put up with enough guff that eventually I would see how wonderful life was and I would be able to behave in a normal way. That just wasn't the case. Basically, until I was ready to admit that I had a problem I didn't know how to control, no one would be able to help me. I think things finally came to a head when my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. I was devastated by this. My husband was as well, my brother meant a lot to him and they were best friends. I like to say that when he died it broke me. It was the final straw. I completely gave myself up to my illness without realizing that that was what I was doing. I still thought the problem lay with my husband, not me. After my brother died, my anger tripled and my feelings of being picked on by my husband increased exponentially. Not long after my brother's death I began spending long hours on my computer going to chat rooms and playing games in virtual worlds. Anything to escape my day to day life. In the end I ended up having an affair with someone I met online. One day I packed my bags and left my husband and 4 year old son to go see this man. I live in Tennessee and I flew out to Montreal, Quebec to visit a man I had never even talked to on the phone before!! I stayed for a month. Needless to say I was fortunate that he did not turn out to be a horrible person or a serial killer. When the month was over and I came back my husband picked me up at the airport. This is when, I think, he finally realized he could not fix me. We got divorced not long after that. My life still continued to spiral out of control. It's a long story but I didn't know or realize I was Bipolar until a depression so desperate hit me that all I could think of was ending it all. My mother saw what was happening and took me down to a local clinic. I resisted but when I got in there and I started talking to a therapist it all came spilling out. All my feelings, thoughts and deeds. Before the day was out I was diagnosed and I was put on medication.

What all of this comes down to is this. Until someone is ready to admit something is wrong, nothing you can say or do is going to convince them otherwise. There are people in my family that are Bipolar but I was never able nor wanted to admit that I was as well. I don't know what it's going to take for your wife to realize that she needs some kind of help. She may never realize it. You can love her and want things to work out and who knows maybe they will. All I know is you can't fix her. She'll never be "fixed" but she can be helped but she has to want help and realize she needs help.

I'm not trying to depress you or anything. I just see so many similarities between your story and mine except with me being on the other end of it. Maybe I'm just trying to give you some insight, I don't know. I'm not eloquent with words but I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not all your fault. There is only so much you can do. The rest is up to her.

Anyway, I wish you love and luck. I hope you and your wife are able to work it out because it sounds like you love her a lot.

Rochele

Welcome to the group. You have really been through the mill and I am sorry for that. I think it's already been said, the ball is in her court. There is little you can do but try to check out an online questionnaire to see if she has bipolar disorder, as has been suggested, since she seems unwilling to go to a psychiatrist.

I am quite certain that you did and said things in your marriage that were not good, because we all do, but her responses are the real issue. I wish I could tell you that it will all be okay, but I cannot. I can't predict that. You cannot help her if she does not want help. What you need to do is take care of yourself for now. I hope this does work out for a positive outcome.

Like others I say if she doesn't want the help she won't get it! I do however think that you could benifit from healing yourself through some couseling and help yourself to deal with all the stress. hang in there.

Stacey

Welcome to the family here! We'll support you and we understand. Many of us have put people through the same situations. Your wife does need help and I hope that she comes to realize this. Like others have said, until she gets help, she will continue the way she is and has to seek the help on her own since she won't listen to you or anyone else. I hope she comes to her senses and does get help along with medications to stabilize her.

For some it can affect the view of reality. Just like you said, if the sky is blue and she says it's red, she's going to believe it's red.

Yes, we can be wrong a lot of the time. Sometimes everything is a bout me, me, me. I'm sure you noticed that when she was in an episode.

Some are just not happy and you are always wrong. I think that is the depression speaking out. It's very difficult if not impossible to be happy.

No, you are not always wrong. She thinks you are wrong in her head or doesn't want to admit that she is wrong. Sometimes the mind just looks so far at right and wrong.

I am super sensitive when I am hypo-manic. Everything makes me defensive, hurt, emotional, and I cry a lot. Everything people say hurts me and I can't control it, medications help to control these emotions that are so out of whack.

Again, the wonderful memories were probably brought on that she was depressed. I only remember the bad when I am depressed. The fights, the way I think I thought I was treated, the way I felt. The good times were not happening as far as I am concerned.

NO, every fight does not have to go to divorce, but it sounds like maybe she wanted that and that is maybe why it was brought up so many times in your fights. Maybe she just couldn't handle things anymore and thought she'd be better off on her own. Maybe she didn't want to hurt you any longer, so she left.

I don't think anyone likes the fact that we have a problem. Many denied the fact and went through a lot of hell till they decided to get help. We don't realize something is wrong until something drastic happens like a hospitalization. Being in denial is so easy when you first get diagnosed. You don't want to accept it.

I hope that she can come to terms with the illness and that she gets into the psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis. Medications will help greatly, we must take them to become and stay stable. I wish you the best of luck and happy endings. Stay strong. Hugs

having or not having a mental illness some times these things are just human nature...

i have bi polar and i find alot of the time i think the illness makes me feel more intensely and differently like my own way but with that i think its just a part of my personality.

I am very sensitive and tend to reflect everything back onto my self....

My hubbie is a bit like your wife he may not have mental illness persay but has personality traits that make our relationship difficult... Only if he could try harder to control himself we would be better!!!!

but when someone cant or wont see what is wrong - it makes it hard to turn thing around,,,

Mental illness frightens people or they tend think everyone with a mental illness will chop your head off literally if you upset them,

My hubbie has more personality problems due to brain injury but loves to point out how my bi polar affects me especially in a argument he uses it like weapon we he thinks hes losing or it get me to back down.

I guess really it hard on both sides of the track... I have been on meds for over 20 yrs and i feel fine but my hubby doesn't always thinks so but i guess we dont like to think we not especially when someone else points it out...