Need help with out of control bipolar spouse...

I originally posted a question in March of this year regarding the violent and abusive behaviour my wife had been experiencing at the time. She had purposely driven our vehicle into a pole, attacked me with knives and physically and verbally abused me. She also began abusing alcohol, even when she was alone with our children (doctors told me this was an attempt to self medicate). All this occurred in plain view of our 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son. I was afraid of her and so were our children. I also found out she had been having multiple affairs. She had been arrested a number of times, and for a few months the children and I lived a stable life without her presence (under a criminal court order).

Her doctors attributed her behaviour to the antidepressants she had been taking. Their opinion was that since she had been weaned off those meds, she had no symptoms of bipolar mania. Based on those findings, I decided to have her return home, with the cooperation of courts etc. Things were great for the first couple of weeks, but she eroded fairly quickly after that.

She began drinking again, started behaving abusively and lost control easily. She exhibited many of the signs of manic behaviour (irritability, rage, disconnection with immediate family). All the original behaviours (including the affairs) had returned, this time without the antidepressants. She was arrested again due to a violent outbreak and we are under a similar court order (restraining her from me and children).

I am convinced she is bipolar. She fails to see that anything is wrong with her behaviour. She is a danger to everyone around her and a danger to herself. Her perception and judgement is so skewed, that I fear for my children's safety if she is left alone with them.

Sorry for the long background, but I thought it would be useful for you all to help give an opinion. I have read that bipolar can be controlled, if the right meds can be applied, through a trial and error process. I am asking people on this forum, since they have direct experience with this illness, whether I can live a normal life with my wife, ever? I now fear for my life, but she once was the most loving, sensitive and caring person I had ever known. That person seems to be gone and has been replaced by the "evil twin". Have any of you seen or experienced someone revert back to their normal selves and remain that way, or will I need to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life wondering if she is planning to plunge a knife into my back if she returns home? Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated...Thank you

The reason I am asking is that my husband, who was diagnosed bipolar by the 2nd psychiatrist he saw, was misdiagnosed by the 1st one. I think it was easy for him to do since he attended the appointment alone. Docs have the patient complete a questionaire. If the patient knows anything about bipolar, they know how to answer the questions in such a way to make it seem like something else. In our case, my husband was diagnosed with ADHD instead and was given Adderall. That, taken with the Concerta and antidepressants he was taking from our primary care physician who had diagnosed him with ADHD depression, caused full-blown mania (he is usually hypomanic most of the time) with signs of psychosis. He says now that he and his doc believe that he literally had a nervous breakdown because of it. Even though he won't admit it, my counselor and I believe that during the adderall phase he was hallucinating.

First, understand that yes, meds can do wonders but there has to be a proper diagnosis first (my husband is bipolar with OCD and ADHD). Second, the person with BP needs to want to be well and be willing to do what it takes to stay that way - you cannot make them. Third, the person with BP needs to be medication compliant and adjust their lifestyle to compliment treatment. Regular sleep, exercise, vitamins, diet, etc. Most importantly, no drinking or drugs. My husband is on lamictal (mood stabilizer), wellbutrin (for depression) and most recently abilify (an anti-pyschotic, I think). Sometimes there are sideeffects to the meds that have to be dealt with, meds have to added or dosages adjusted. I have been told that it can take up to 10 years to find the right "cocktail". But don't get discouraged. Lastly, you need to be part of her treatment. That means going to doc and counseling visits with her. You need to hear firsthand what is being told to the doc and what the doc is telling her. If she is anything like my husband, some important details get left out of the picture. In the past, lying or modifying the story to fit his own needs was quite a common occurence. You need to know meds, dosages, etc. You also need to research side effects. Learn as much as you can about BP and document behaviors and changes. It helps a lot when you go in to see the doc.

For my husband, we even had to adjust the way he gets his exercise (he had an affair with a much older woman he met while teaching an exercise class at the local Y - YIKES!). So, as you can guess, the Y is definitely off-limits. Now, I try to exercise with him (riding bikes, walking, playing tennis, swimming, etc.). I also got him involved in a men's introduction to hockey league (Sundays at 8pm) something he always wanted to do. My boys both play, and he helps coach - so this was a natural thing for him to do.

Just some helpful suggestions. In the meantime, read some of my posts to hear about the last 1-2 years of my life. Some scary and unsettling stuff but at least you will know that you aren't alone - definitely not alone. Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to talk more. It really does help.

Post edited by: diane38, at: 08/25/2008 10:23

Post edited by: diane38, at: 08/25/2008 10:24

Life is what you make it

Trying to save her is enabling behavior. She does not need to be rescued. She is going to lose everything, because she is a drunk. I can say this because i am a drunk and recognize the behavior. There is nothing more important to her than the alcohol...i know i have been there. All she is looking for is the next drink. Whether she is self-medicating or not, is not the issue. The fact that she drinks is the issue. She decides to drink, consciously. No one is pouring it down her throat.

Get some therapy for yourself and get strong and be ready to raise the kids by yourself. Join the support group for AA...good luck, honey.

I'm in the same boat, my husband is Bi-polar and goes on drinking binges.Emotionally abusive, has been physical and affairs,we've been together 9yrs.So sometimes you have to think about your children first and your own sanity.