Back Into Depression

Im back to falling asleep on the couch as soon as my butt hits the cushion. Don't wanna get up. Dont wanna deal. Don't wanna be around anyone. I want to isolate myself from the world including my family.

I feel like a deep pit of despair is coming over me. I fell asleep on the couch last night and my husband was waking me up to tell me he was going to bed..I SNAPPED. I growled at him and said "GOD WHY CAN'T I JUST SLEEP ON THE COUCH WITHOUT YOU BOTHERING ME????" and i just let out a big 'UUUUUUUUUUGH'.. So of course he got ticked off and went to bed, left me there..I apologized this morning. At lunch today he started talking about it..I was like DANG i apologized, i didnt mean to do it..I feel horrible already, why does he have to bring it up..I guess just because i apologized, doesnt mean he has to be over it..

I was telling him about a friend of mine and what had happend to her about her husband that she thinks is bipolar or something other is going on.. I said well at least I wasnt 'that bad' and he looked at me weird and said "sometimes you are" i was like, well at least i dont throw things..I guess my words can be more hurtful than I think. When im like this, i just wanna go to bed, and i can't?I think it would be best if i did sleep thru the time i was like this so no one would have to be around me so i couldnt hurt them.

I called the clinic im going to because i filed for assistance. They said that we are a few hundred $ over the line and I wont be approved. SOO, i guess i will continue paying 200$ or more depending on the increase dose of my meds. $125 every 10 days for a pdoc. & Dr. visits to get my meds..Im so fed up, I could scream.

My husband is going to start construction. He asked me to take the china out of the cabinet so he wouldnt break any of it. OMG, i wanna scream just because i have to do that..He wants me to come help him do some work at the shop..I feel like i would rather die. I feel so depressed about this construction. My house being a mess triggers me into some horrible moods. My house is not a mess people say but just things being on the dining room table that dont belong depresses me.

Im tired of not being able to hold a job, people are like, arent you bored, your children are in school, nothing to do..Im like 'um YEAH ya idiot, im bored to tears'. Makes me feel like such an idiot. I would love to work..I guess that might be why i have had 30 jobs or more in my life hoping 1 would stick, maybe to find ONE i could handle..

Ok, i guess my fingers are just not gonna stop unless I make them. My Dr. said she would get my daughter and i to feeling better. I hope that is a promise HAHA.

I feel like such a worthless, no good, jerk of a person.

About your assistance, have you tried a prescription assistance program. Some sites I found are

www.pparx.org

www.easterseals.com

www.pfizerhelpfulanswers.com

www.freemedicinerevolution.com

If you can get your doc to lower your fees or possibly find a free or reduced clinic to become your pdoc it might help a little.

Be well friend. And I hope the next I hear from you it will be under better emotions.

Many blessings.

Post edited by: bipolarmomma, at: 11/15/2007 17:20

Thanks for all your thoughtful words, they are much appreciated.

Are you having problems in other aspects of your life together? stress and worry can have a effect on you, with my first husband, our marriage had detirorated to the point that for him to touch me would make me literally sick to my stomach and I would have to run to the bathroom to throw up. I would avoid going to bed at the same time, and most of the time if I was up past the time he would go to bed, I would just sack out on the couch rather then be in the same bed with him. Before we split I took a job on a different shift to avoid being around him at all, and we had kids.

Carmen

I can relate to how you are feeling. I have been disabled due to my bipolar, and went through a really hard time with the idea of not being employable. I put a lot of my worth into being able to bring in money and support my family.My fiance is a painter, and I would not want to work for him. It's because, I would rather have something of my own to do.

When, I got on meds, and was diagnosed this last time, I pushed my fiance away, too. I felt ugly and vulnerable, and didn't want to be with him for a while until, I found myself, again. My self worth went to hell after I became disabled.That's when I hit my depression, and went and got help.

I also gained 20 lbs from my meds, and from lack of activity from being home all the time. My kids go to school, and I have a 2yrold at home. I get pretty bored, too.

Well,what is helping me is, I have a few friends who are bipolar, that, I talk to , and I go do stuff with them. I come on here, and get to feel like I am not alone. I am getting used to being an at home mom. I enjoy being a mom. I have been going to therapy, and working on past issues, that have been effecting my self esteem.

I also get to work on my relationships, and learn how to do things to help me with my fear of intimacy. I have been getting to know me, not the person that is always performing, but, the person, that I actually am. I am learning to accept myself, good, and bad, and am learning that I don't have to perform, or please everyone to be okay. I am okay already. Then, I get to share me with my fiance, not the person who was acting out on her bipolar, and running all the time. It's a long journey, but, I have started it.

My fiance is very sick right now, and we can't be as intimate as we used to be, but, it has helped us get to know eachother more emosionally. I have learned to be okay with him not being available. Sometimes we have to take a break to work on ourselves. When he gets over his illnesss, and when I recover from my issues of being disabled, and getting to know myself, than it could be even better, than it was before. I hope so, anyway.

I hope this helps, Godbless, Gypsy

We seemed to really be so in love up until i would say 2 years ago or maybe more?Now i hardly get to see him, his work seems so much more important..He just opened a business in the past few months. If I ever new it was so stressful im not sure i would have agreed. Sometimes, I feel like i was just slung into it?He comes home at 5-6pm..goes STRAIGHT to the computer does paper work, its then about 7-730pm..(i would take a hammer to this computer if i could get a way with it ) Takes a shower 8pm. Then he just wants to relax..Works on Saturdays, same thing most of the time. He is stressed and grumpy. Im stressed and grumpy. I love him with all my heart, i just feel like we have gotten lost somewhere??I miss the days that he came home at 4, we went for walks, or just hung out on the porch swing, did things with the kids...I believe it wont ever be like that again. We got into it a few weeks ago & he said so what do you want me to do close this business down tomorrow and go find a job..I would say YES, but i remember his words...He will own a business one day, he will make a great life for us..He will have something for us when we retire.. I look at his brother..They live in a mobile home, they have what they need, not much extra..but there life just seems so much more simpler (maybe its not). They just dont have the bills like we do.they hang out together..They just act like they arent worried about anything???Im sure im all wrong. I realize it takes a lot of $ to make it in the world today and he wants us to have the best,but I just wish he had a Monday thru Friday normal job. Now if he gets off at a descent time he heads to mommy & daddies house to visit. I also ripped him a new one for that..It changed for a little bit but went right back to the same way it was. I told him 'why can't you come home to me and visit with me, why does it have to be your mom and dad that gets you before you come home and just wanna 'relax',it would be nice for you to come home to me first'? I really truly feel like we are lost..If I ever told him any of this other than the lil things i do tell him, i would have to hide under a rock forever, i would feel so ashamed...I dont no if he feels the same?He said last week that he would be devestated if he didnt have me?I dont see how he puts up with me or why he would want to..Im mean, rude, hateful, non-supportive, we are intimate once a week?

Im not on any other medicines, i havent cared about the intimacy/sex for years..Its not the medication to blame?

Anyways, I didnt intend on this being so long UGH..Thanks for listening

Is there anyway that you can help him in the business? your feeling deserted is a normal response to this, if you can help, that will help to bring you more time together, there are ways to help bring the closeness back, how about packing a picnic lunch and meeting him at work for a nice little break together? chase the kids off to grandma's for the weekend and have some quiet time at home for you and hubby, kids make so much demands on our time and energy that it is hard for you and your husband to have that time together like you did before they came along. Which is a normal thing that most people experience when raising a family, she feels alone, and he feels like he no longer is the most important thing in her life.

We have to learn to balance everything where not only we raise our family, but we also maintain that feeling for each other that we had at the beginning, maybe he and you can set up a date night? schedule your time together if you have too, lol.

Talk with your therapist and doctor, do a little research on your medication and see if one of the side effects is lowering your desires. The feelings you are experiencing can stem from the other feelings you are having. Can you sit down and have a peaceful talk with him about how you are feeling? maybe ask what you can do to make life easier on him, and let him know how something (tell him what it is) would help to make you feel more loved.

It sounds like he loves you, and I know that you love him too, as you would not be feeling like you do.. As for being mean, rude and hateful and non supportive? that is part and parcel of our illness, which can all be helped with medication and therapy, try to remember how you treated him, and how he treated you when you first got together, have either of you changed from that? We as humans tend to take for granted those that we love and live with all the time, we will be nice to strangers and not to our family, we forget to say a simple thank you when we would with a stranger. When you find out that you are wrong in a arguement do you remember to say that you are sorry? like you would with someone else? remembering all these little things can help to bring back that feeling of romance and closeness that we had when we began these relationships.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for helping me to remember.

Carmen

My husband is disabled, we are fighting to get his disability, and so for the past year, I have been the only one working and supporting us, it placed a lot of pressure and stress on me, then add to that his lack of motivation in helping me around the house, so that after a 12 hour day, 4 of that being in the commute alone, I would be burned out, and get home and find out that if I wanted dishes done, house cleaned and dinner fixed (all things HE IS capable of doing) that I would have to do myself, after losing my job, I snapped, that is when I had my attempt.

It sounds like her husband is honestly try to provide for his family. That alone is worth several hugs and kisses. There is work out there that I know my husband is capable of doing, and I haven't decided yet if he just plain out doesn't want to work or what.

jlh, it sounds like you have a tremdous about of stressor's in your life, how do you cope with it all? I know being a mother, that really has to affect you finding out your son has bipolar, I've wondered and worried about the parents of bipolar children, did you feel you were to blame for it? My Mom when something goes wrong with one of us kids, tends to blame herself. Three of four kids in my family, were,are and kinda are alcoholics. I am the were, Kirby is the are, and baby brother is the kinda, he has stopped most of his drinking, and I quit 14 years ago. The eldest is who we refer too as the white sheep of the family.

Carmen