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08/18/2008 02:46 PM

Suicide thoughts and actions

GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

Hi guys. I could use a little support.

First off, this post talks about suicide and it may trigger some people, so don't read if you are feeling vulnerable. I would hate to upset anyone or make anyone want to hurt themselves, so don't read this unless you can handle it ok?

In May I went into a major depressive episode. When I get very depressed, I have a certain pattern I sometimes fall into. First, I think about suicide. Then, I start acting on it. I'll 'play with it' often by using a noose to hang myself but putting it on in a way to be able to wiggle out of it right before I pass out. Anyway, in May I did that several times, culminating in an attempt where I actually tied the cord to a shower head and stepped off the chair. I am still here only because I miscalculated the drop- by about half an inch. Half an inch, and I wouldn't be here.

I ended up telling my support group leader (I was't in counseling at the time) ended up in the hospital, made ANOTHER attempt IN the pscyh ward (they found me unconcious) and then was committed.

Then they changed my medicine and I felt better for a while.

Well anyway, I have started to swing again. Last week I was FLYING- so happy, so high, I thought I could write a novel in a week. I only realized something was wrong when my friends couldn't understand me- they said that I was talking too fast.

Well, anyway, I crashed around Wednesday (my cycles can be very short) and on Friday, i was tying that noose again. I used it to choke myself, but I didn't intend to die. I was just trying to 'dip my toe in the water' and get the feel of it.

I now feel much better. I think I'm swinging up again, and I don't feel that suicidal anymore.

How seriously should I take this? I am seeing my dr tomorrow, but I'm not going to tell him about what I did because my parents are taking me on vacation to Florida next week, and they've arranged half the vacation around what I want to do- they would be really upset if I were in the hospital, and I would be really upest to be in the hospital. I want to go on this vacation and, after all, I may not swing low again.

I'm not sure if I should be afraid. I really felt out of control for a while. I was thinking of suicide very seriously when I hurt myself. How can I prepare for another down cycle? What should I do?

And...is it worth fighting? Sometimes I just think I should let myself go. During the down cycle. Just not fight it- let myself kill myself. I don't feel that I'm worth saving. I have been fighting for so long, and it seems like I'm ALWAYS fighting.

I'm not going to do anything now, I certainly don't want to ruin my parents' vacation. But I do think alot about giving up at some time in the future.

Sorry, I've rattled on enough.

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08/18/2008 02:49 PM
justrembering
pirateprincess421  
Posts: 31179
VIP Member

I would tell your doctor. Also tell him/her that you really don't want to go into hospital again. Maybe they can suggest something else. Mention the vacation too. Mine was really happy I was going on one.

08/18/2008 04:09 PM
LadyRahl
LadyRahl  
Posts: 1415
Senior Member

Defiantly tell your doctor!

I look at suicide this way... it's the ultimate failure for me. I've fought my hardest against this condition, dove into darkness more times than I care to count, and I've failed myself a lot. But to end my own life, it's like finally admitting that the disease is stronger than me, that I'm not able to control myself, that it beat me.... and I really don't want that.

It's keep me from turning my little car in the path of oncoming semi's more than once.

Even if sometimes you don't feel like life is worth living or fighting for, ask yourself if you really want to be defeated like that. It's like the ultimate failure... finally admitting that you're powerless. It's not, for me, taking control... it's losing what little bit of control I do have.


08/18/2008 05:04 PM
tmcd
cirquepourvousPosts: 1710
Senior Member

tell your doctor tell your doctor. and yes you should be afraid. i've been suicidal and after i was terrified that it made sense to me. the dr. can help smooth out the highs and lows.

The thing about suicide is that it maybe an attractive option but even if you're playing and go to far it's permanent.


08/18/2008 05:17 PM
LadyRahl
LadyRahl  
Posts: 1415
Senior Member

I went through a stage where I wrote don all the ways I could think of to die... and then all the things that could go wrong with each way. By the time I was done... it wasn't so appealing.

08/18/2008 06:00 PM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

Greenchick, you need to seriously tell your doctor about it, vacation or not, one of these days you will be dipping your toes and fall into the deep end..not knowing how to swim and unable to get out.. this is not something you play with, let your doctor know what is going on, and look at what you can do,

08/18/2008 06:27 PM
LadyRahl
LadyRahl  
Posts: 1415
Senior Member

Agreed carmen. That's a very good analogy.

08/18/2008 06:32 PM
LadyRahl
LadyRahl  
Posts: 1415
Senior Member

Good point Paul.

08/18/2008 06:53 PM
GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

I'm just afraid. Really. My parents set up this whole vacation around me. They and my sister especially will NEVER forgive me if I get put in the hospital. I just dont' know if I can risk it.

As for the noose thing, it wasn't that serious. I didn't pass out, that is the important thing. It was just a trial run, kind of. I don't think I was really in any danger at all. If anything, it showed me how painful it would be if I really hung myself. Though I still kind of want to do it. I guess I feel like I deserve pain. I just think the doctor will overreact. I will tell him I am having suicidal feelings though.


08/18/2008 06:56 PM
LadyRahl
LadyRahl  
Posts: 1415
Senior Member

But it IS serious GreenChick. It's VERY serious.

You're treading in dangerous waters... I'm sure that your family would rather cancel/change their plans and have you ALIVE than not and have you dead.

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