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bananas
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My BP husbands family and I used to be very close. We've been together for 25 years so there's a long history there. For about the last 5 years his family has been becoming more distant from me. I used to feel unconditional love from them but every since my H's diagnosis it's like they don't want to accept his illness and I'm the scapegoat. During his episodes my husband tells his Dad and brothers that I'm just miserable to be around. That I critisize him all the time, I never want to have any fun and I'm the reason my h is miserable. He's told them straight out lies about me cheating on him and also some really private things I shared in confidence that I wasn't proud of to say the least but heck I'm human and you should be able to share things with your husband or wife of 20+ years, right? Anyway, lately his Dad won't talk to me and his brothers are doing things to avoid me like only calling his cell phone not home phone. Also, no one in his family has learned ANYTHING about BPsince his dx. They seriously think that it's just me making up stuff and why can't I just accept that he is miserable with me? Thanks for listening to me vent. It's hard enough being shut out by my husband but when I don't get any validation/support from them it just adds salt to my wounds. By the way... I love all of you here, thanks for listening to me friends |
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carmen33
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Hi, Bananas, I am sorry that your husband is doing these things to you, it isn't right nor is your H's family, I am afraid that it tends to be Humankind that choses to take the softer, easier way of blaming someone else for their faults or those that they love. Family is the toughest critic out there, and for most the ones that cause the most pain. Have you confronted your husband with the knowledge of his lies? do you think that it would help to get your Mother in Law alone and talk with her about this? She hopefully will recognize his behavior from behavior from the past. Perhaps a sister in law? If you can't get them to come around to understanding, then piss on them, I know that sounds bad, but if they don't want to work with you, you can't make them, so develop your own friendships and relationships, you don't have to socialize with them either. Is your husband getting help? Welcome to the group, here you will find unconditional love and acceptance. |
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damselndistress
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I've gone through this too and have 2 comments related. With my husband disorder he tends to have black and white thinking so he sees things as all negative or all positive. He also desires a healthy relationship but does not know how to attain one and his own behavior prevent him from having a healthy relationship. He isn't able to understand that and goes around telling everyone how weird and awful I am, part of the reason is he is just frustrated because in his eyes I seem to be preventing him from having the thing he desires so much and also I am failing to fulfill him and fill his void that he has as a person. I find it humiliating to have him telling everyone these things about me. I think he has shared` it with many, many people and these people have no reference to really understand what's going on. The second comment is I had the same response from my in laws and was even told I deserved my husbands verbal abuse and it didn't hurt children to be around that, and that is coming out of the mouth of a female pastor. An older woman I know also told me when her husband's parents were told their son was BP they threatened his wife of poisoning him (literally) so these responses are not unnatural even though they are undesirable. They come from a place of shock and denial and it can go on for years. What I did was reach out to my husband's aunt. I felt as if I needed someone on that side of the family to understand what was going on. It took a while to get through to her but after communicating with her for about a year and a half, she finally got it. She also acknowledged that she knew how my husband was because he had refused to go back to Japan with his family and lived with them for a year in junior high so she had witnessed his behaviors first hand. My husband did not enjoy living with them and their family rules. It did not work for him so he did return to his family in Japan. In sharing what I did in this post, I attempted to not only acknowledge what you are experiencing but share how these issues have affected me to help you depersonalize what is happening to you. I think it's just normal for family's to side with relation and want to believe that we are the weird ones. I'm sorry you're experiencing these things and we know it's not you. We all support you in your experience with your husband and his family. I know it doesn't make the pain go away, but it's not you it's them.
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bananas
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Thank you both for your responses. Carmen, h is being treated by pdoc but he's in a mixed state right now going back and forth b/t he loves me then get the F away from me several times a day. It's so hard to hear that from him. I guess that's why I was feeling so vulnerable and needy last night. His Mom passed away and he doesn't have any extended family due to death or addiction problems there just isn't any family other than his brothers and Dad. You're right, piss on them then. I'm only trying to maintain what I have left of my own mental health during all this if you know what I mean. Damsel, thanks for reminding me to depersonalize. I do try to do this but sometimes it just slips away from me. I just want to have the "fantasy" perfect family that all pulls together in times of need but I guess that only exsits in TV land. Little house on the Praire  Thanks you both for helping me to get back to center again. |
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damselndistress
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It still hurts. I am glad we have each other to talk about how and why it hurts. Maybe together we can get through this. |
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carmen33
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Hey Bananas, do yourself a favor and get some counseling, it will help you to make it through this, it's tough trying to get through to family, my hubbies birth mother passed away when he was little, his dad went through several wives, and by the time h was 18 he left home for the service, the last step mom never had to live with him, so she doesn't know how he is, and his sister while she might know his ways ain't copping to it and doesn't seem to understand when I try to talk with her. He isn't bipolar or anything, but he has these traits that have lead me to give him a ultimatum of either straighten his butt up or get out of my life, he isn't abusive, mean or anything, but just the fact that he doesn't do anything period, I have supported us for most of the time we have been married, 7 years, this past year, he didn't work at all, and I had to carry the load, I figure that was a contributing factor that lead to my suicide attempt when I lost my job, his not keeping a job has lead to us losing the home that I had been struggling to buy for the past 6 years. He has a lot of baggage from his childhood and other relationships that I am having to suffer for, I will give him credit since my breakdown and the ultimatum he has been making a effort to change his ways. But he knows, that should he slip back into old habits, I will be out of here, he can have the new place, all that is in it but my clothing and some personal items, I've started over from nothing before and have no problem doing it again, and he knows that once I am out of this relationship, there is no going back, I don't believe in flip flopping as I call it, I figure that if there was reason enough for me to leave in the first place, why on God's earth would I want to go backwards? As long as your hubby is making a honest attempt to get help, and his doctor knows all that is going on, hang in there, sometimes friends are more like family than blood is. You've been able to get through to his Aunt and she knows the truth of what you are saying, maybe with her help, she can help to bring the others around to understanding, if not, then to heck with them, you don't have to surround yourself with those kinda people. I do my best to avoid being around negative people, they bring me down, and sad to say I have family members like that. Carmen |
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schmu
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I'm sorry you are going through that. I also experienced the same thing from the mother of my s/o. when we first started dating, she loved me. After I found out about him being bipolar (when he ended up in the hospital months into our relationship) his mother told me how much he loved me and convinced me that my love would be enough to get him to turn his life around. Not knowing anything about the illness, I listened to what she had to say. I tried and tried to help him, but nothing worked. We started arguing. He became verbally and emotionally abusive and began telling her what a horrible person I was. He would literally call her 30 times a day to complain about me. Even knowing what he is like when he is manic, she completely turned on me. She blamed me for everything... even though he was diagnosed with bp 15 years before I met him!!! We haven't spoken in 2 1/2 years because she said the nastiest things to me I've ever heard in my life... including the fact that I should abort me son while I was 8 months pregnant with him!!! I understand wanting to protect your friends/family, but when you know what the illness does to that person it just doesn't make any sense to turn on the s/o that is there to love and support them. This is a hot topic for me because after everything my s/o's mother said to me, he defended her and still does to this day, which has caused a huge strain in our relationship. The kicker of it all is that when I first learned of his being bipolar, he told me that he can't stay healthy when he is in the same country as his mother. I thought he was just saying that... now I know it's the truth... unfortunately, he's turned his anger towards me and blames me for everything now! I think the best we can do is to accept the fact that they probably feel guilty about what is going on and that there isn't anything they can do to stop it, so they take their anger out on us because they can't take it out on their ill family member... except in my case ... I think she is pure evil!!!!
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zovjraar
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i am bp and for the first few years of my marriage, my mum would call and the first question out of her mouth would be, "is he beating you?" of course, he would never do anything like that, but i think she assumed something had to be wrong with him for me to feel so bad all of the time. it wasn't until i had a serious episode, which led to an attempt, which led to me being the hospital, that she realized how much he loves me. she couldn't believe how supportive and caring and kind he was toward me, and i told her, "that's how he always is, mum!" i never said one bad word about him and she had still assumed he must be doing something wrong, so i can imagine how that would be compounded by lies. i hope your husband will come around and realize how he's damaged your relationship with his family, or that they will realize that while his illness may make him feel like he's being abused, he isn't. maybe for xmas you could get them some books about living with someone who is bipolar?? i saw a post in the General Support forum that had non-fiction books about bipolar. that could be a poignant gift. Post edited by: zovjraar, at: 11/13/2007 19:26 |
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jlh1956
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I am in the process of writing a book about living with my bipolar alcoholic father and how it affected not only his life, but mine as well. I can't wait to get it published, I want to help people and now i know that I can do that and I am going to push to finish it and get it out there for everyone. It is painful writing, but also helps me deal with my pain knowing that all I went through can help others. |
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Laur
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I was (am?) very close with one of my husband's sisters . Friends over 20 years. Ever since he has really gotten out of control, and I mentioned the word divorce if he doesn't get help soon because I am getting sick from all the years of going thru these things, she has backed away from our friendship and I am really hurt. She had admitted to me in the past that when they were kids their father had told some of the siblings that he thought 'H' was a little 'funny'. But as a child they never even took him to a Dr. for his behavior. SHe told me she suspected him of stealing money from her bedroom when they were kids, etc. etc.etc. That he had temper tantrums and pushed his brother down a flight of stairs, another time a fight with his ex girlfriend it took 3 cops to subdue him. Another tme he was arrested and to keep me from finding out he borrowed hundreds of dollars from his brother for court fines etc. When I confronted his brother about it he said, what goes on between a husband & wife should stay there. It's none of my business. My response was, well you MADE it your business by loaning him all that money!!! The old saying blood is thicker than water is absolutely true. It really hurts, especially when you are very close to a lot of people in the spouses family when things fall apart. Hang in there. |
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