emotional turmoil

For me all it takes are my husbands words or behavior to set me off.

I start to feel shaky, have a desire to talk it out with someone, have a desire to find a solution, usually feel my security is threatened, have obsessive thoughts, have difficulty concentrating.

It's usually the worst the first 24-48 hours after an incident and then starts to diminish.

Anybody else?

I am feeling better now but the last 2 days were hell.

Each time I feel like I have been kicked right in the stomach. Really , some of the things he has done over the years have caused me to crumple right to the floor & sob.

Then I get angry, frustrated, nervous butterflies over, how are we gonna get over 'this one' whatever different crap he's pulled.

Then when he finally pulls out of it he is apologetic, normal for a few days, giving me puppy dog eyes.

And my reaction then is usually --- ThanK goodness it's over!!!

and I get an overwhelming feeling of relief. There is still a little part of me that holds back some of my trust. He will never have ALL of my trust again.

Now I Know why I need medicine, I have been along on these rides with him, and I hate rides.

I've been through 3 major episodes in the past 5 years and I swore I'd never let myself totally trust him with my heart again.

Then, sure enough, I'd be kicked in the stomach, crumpled on the floor sobbing.

It's so hard when the BP takes over his mind and turns him into someone I don't even know. I've been with him since 1982 and when you've been with someone that long and are so close you feel like you know them better than you know your ownself. It just really hurts is all I can say.

Lately I've wondered if the constant stress is going to shorten my own lifespan.

Once again, I'm telling myself.... never again will I let my heart be that vunerable. Not that I don't LOVE him with all my heart but somewhere deep down in him I believe that he would want me to protect myself from any harm he's caused me that he for whatever reason (not managing his illness, not having the insight, etc.) didn't have the control to stop himself from inflicting on me.

Not excusing him, just trying to help me to understand and accept this illness that I've chosen to live with at this time.