Bipolar Support Group

Because of me, I am alone again. I'm in my mid 30's I've hurt my wife so many ways, so many times over the years. I've never been violent towards her, nor do I (intentionally) emotionally abuse her. But my self-destructive / self-defeating addictions continue to hurt her. We have been together for 17 years. She has thrown me out for the second time. And I completely respect her point of view. She's a strong woman, and she's doing what she needs to. Last time it was because I was manic and drinking and doing drugs. It was my secret. Then I discovered I was bi-polar, and kicked the drugs and drinking. Got on meds and got into rigorous therapy. But I wasn't addressing everything. I'm an addict. Whatever my drug of of choice is. Booze, Drugs, Spending Money, Buying things that make me happy (like action figures) and sex. I am ashamed and secretive of my hidden addictions that allow me to escape the pain of real life. That's why I never brought it up. I was ashamed and I always had to protect my secret drug. I never had a physical relationship with anyone other than my beautiful, wonderful wife, but I did lean on the comfort of other women who are older than I am. The relationships were never sexual but I was seeking some sort of maternal support. Early in our marriage, one of the women was my wife's older sister.

So when my wife and I were separated, I starting looking at porn to ease the loneliness. But porn is frankly kind of disgusting. The women are disgusting to me. So I'm a talented artist. I missed my wife more than anything in the world. I started taking images of her and sort of "slowly undressing her." Taking images of her and making her "less clothed" than she actually was. I was pretending she was there. Then I began using porn images and then putting her face on them. I've learned that I associate sex as love. And I was seeking love. I was alone. Then as I was going through photos, and her older sister's face popped up and I wanted to reach out to her. I always felt like she truly listened. She knew my wife. She was always able to help me see what my wife was feeling. And somehow somewhere, I associated that maternal nurturing feeling with her. So I again associated that love with sex and began to manipulate the images of her sister.

So I had a new addiction. I was addicted to easing pain through fantasizing about my wife and her sister (not together, but individually).

So, historically, rather than address the issues I knew were there, when I would become manic, or super depressed, I would turn to one of my addictions. I knew they were wrong. I did. But I was compelled- like a smoker (You know you should quit, but it's calling you and calling you). So several months ago, I thought I had gotten rid of the photos. But needless to say, they were there somewhere backed up and my wife found them. Well, she told me to come home and there was a police officer at the house, and he told me my wife wanted me to leave. So I am without my family once again, and it is all my fault.

My therapist tells me, I had an unhealthy childhood. And I believe I did. But I am a man now and want to take responsibilities for my own actions. But sometimes, it's like I'm watching myself from the outside. I admit and own up to all of these dirty little secrets I've had. And I want to get better.

My wife is so hurt and angry, but the truth is, through all of this she has been amazing. ANd I see that she has put up with pain. I've betrayed her through these self-destructive actions. But I am committed to learning to deal with the compulsions, continue to take my meds, and continue in rigorous therapy.

I love her. I love our children. There is nothing better that I have known in my life. I've never been violent, I have a great job and even she admits that I am a great dad. But because of my sickness, we are separated and she's considering divorcing me, I know it. But I don't want that. I want to fix myself and grow old with the one woman I will ever truly love and watch our children grow and enjoy our grandchildren as a happy loving couple. It's all I've ever wanted and worked for.

Please…anyone… Help. I am all ears and am seeking support.

Post edited by: BSog, at: 04/05/2010 11:53 PM

Post edited by: BSog, at: 04/06/2010 12:07 AM

Hey there,

I kind of know what you are talking about, I too have had a fascination with the sister, and as well the mother. I believe it is due to things being on the extreme sides of the relationship spectrum. ie, things are always either very good or very bad between the two of us. The attraction to the sister I understood right away, she was taller, skinnier, had more going for her in terms of her life being put together and structured, even though I was madly deeply in love with my now ex. What took longer to understand was my attraction to the mother, but I eventually realized that, even though I am repulsed by the way she brought up and taught my ex (her one daughter) she was basically a more determined, ambitious, mature version of the girl I fell crazy in

love with. I hope this doesn't come off as sick or weird, but I think it's only natural in the situation. Don't feel alone, because you have at least one friend here who kind of understands.

I commend you for wanting to get the help you need. Maybe your wife would agree to couples counseling. You are obviously in therapy maybe if she were in on a couple of your sessions she would start to understand your compulsions. I understand from a womans point of view how the porn can hurt a relationship. I think my husband would rather look at porn then touch me. But, that is just how a porn addiction is. And if you were doing a cut and paste job on her face on these bodies, that should tell her right there how much you desire HER and not other women. The pictures of the sister though might have been what sent her into the tailspin. Just dont give up. Maybe someday she will understand enough to take you back.

ditto to what Lross says.

Thanks guys. Yeah. I completely understand her point of view to think I'm "choosing" to do this. For someone who doesn't have these illnesses, it's COMPLETELY understandable that this action seems intentional or malicious. But it's a weird compulsion. And I don't even think her sister is better looking than her (she's not), my wife is frankly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Honestly. Everything I ever hoped for. I think the sister represented some sort of sick recognition on my part that I've sought in maternal type figures. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive to me, and it has been suggested that i may have been molested as an infant.

So I'm starting to see that when an older woman shows me compassion, love and understanding, I crave it. It's what I never felt like I got. My wife wants me to "just don't do it," but when something is engrained into your being, it's pretty hard to shake. I am self-loathing, but she sees me as a narcissist. I see it as when I am noticed for something I hold onto it for dear life because deep down I feel like it's all I have and if I don't keep that accolade from someone, I will never get the feeling of worth again. I cognitively know that this isn't true, but the emotional mood swings can get in the way of clarity and good decision making. I need to continue my intense therapy and my medication so I can continue to deal with this. But it is hard and scary. But I've done things that have been harder and scarier.

I hope and pray you are still checking these posts.

I believe my husband is bi-polar. Not sure or diagnosed at this point.

BUT my husband is addicted to action figures. I would say at this point he is a hoarder of action figures. To give you Ab idea of how bad it is, we recently moved. He had already taken his "favorite" figures boxed up in a full U Haul to a storage facility. The rest of the figures he left in his "man cave" ( the garage he converted into his action figure haven) for me to pack because he had to move first to start his new job.

Here's the kicker: we have a baby (who was 9 months old at the time). Even though we had a company pack our house for the move, he insisted that they not touch his precious figures. I spent probably 20 hours just packing the remainder of them.

He hasn't purchased again until recently when he spent almost $1,000 on purchasing more.

Any advise? Help!