MDJunction - People Helping People
Ask a Question
03/31/2010 02:11 AM

sex with other men, but not husband

Posts: 6

My husband and I have no sex life (maybe once a month) because I have no sex drive when it comes to him. We have two small kids, so thats plays a factor in finding the time. And when we find the time, I'm not in the mood. However, I find myself interested in "one night stands" or flings" with other men (men that I know,that I'm friends with) thats just strictly sex - no feelings or emotions involved. My husband is a great guy and doesn't deserve this - he for one always wants sex. I don't know if I've grown bored with my life and I'm just looking for something exciting and kinda "risky". Let me first explain that we've been married almost 10 years. He's the best father and person you could ever want. I'm never even affectionate towards him. (hugging, cuddling, etc) It has to be on my terms. If he tries to cuddle with me i push him away. This whole "wanting to have casual flings" just started 2 months ago. Before that, if I guy would come on to me, I had no problem turning them down. but about two months ago, my best guy friend wanted to have sex, and I probably would have, but under the circumstances where we were at, we couldn't get away without being noticed. An old friend from high school has talked about it too, and I try to refrain from even thinking about it, but just the thought of doing it excites me. Like I said, I have no feelings towards these people, its just strictly sex. I have bipolar disorder, a form of OCD, and Anxiety disorder. My question is - why don't I want to have sex with my husband - but I want to with other people? I'm not looking for sympathy or "its ok to do it" I'm just tryin to see if there are other women that have had the same problems. I love my husband - he has but up with my bipolar disorder since he's known me and tries to understand. He just doesn't understand bipolar disorder well and doesn't know how to deal with my moodswings (he knows no matter what he says, it'll be the wrong thing) I don't know if its this disease, or if its because I was so young when I got marrie and had kids, and now I just want to rebel and "live my life" so to speak. Like I said though, these feelings of wanting to have affairs has just started in the last 2 months - and it's always when I'm experiencing the mania (I'm mostly depressed - another reason why I have no sex drive) I guess I'm trying to figure out if this is a part of the disease, or if this is something that in totally unrelated.

03/31/2010 03:02 AM
Posts: 2688
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. When I go into my hypomanic episodes, I want to do things that will very likely cause me trouble, or cause harm to those close to me. As far as I understand, yes, it is part of bipolar. The risky behaviours differ between people, but they are there. I tend to be a bit OCD, as well. And anxiety - argh! Can we say panic attacks?

Years ago, before I met my husband and WAY before I was even diagnosed, I would pick up guys and take them home for a one-night stand - unprotected, mind you. Usually a different guy every week. Picked them up at the club. My risky behaviours are a bit different now - more spending money we don't have, driving fast etc.

For me, understanding why these behaviours are there, and being able to recognise when I am going into hypomania, really helps me control the urges.

As for sex drive - I don't have any at all. It's a mixture of the depression and the meds. If hubby 'seduces' me, everything's great - I'm right into it. But he HAS to put in the effort to get me in the mood. I've been married for almost 11 years.

I'm a control freak - I can make life hell for everyone if I don't have control over what is going on. But now I am learning to let it go. I have to force myself to let things be, and to let other people be in control of things, too. It's SOOOO hard. But it is a good feeling, too. I guess it lessens the burden I put on myself. We have to cut ourselves a break. Talk to everyone you can.....find those coping tactics for when you go manic. Don't let it destroy your life - we are stronger than that! Smile

03/31/2010 06:46 AM
Posts: 13727
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I'm guessing that it's part of having bipolar (hyper-sexual from being manic/hypomanic) and it may also be caused by something totally unrelated idk. I too am having hypersexual symptoms and find myself fanticizing about other men and i then just stop myself and try to get focussed, it's hard sometimes. My husband satisfies me well in all areas so i do not believe i need to "go out and have sex" to meet these needs. If i find i am getting strong temptations, i will have to seek help; up until now i think im fine.

If you do not want to "cheat" on your husband you may want to tell your pdoc about these symptoms and you may want to start seeing a therapist (tdoc) to sort thru some of these symptoms/feelings you are having and how to deal with them.

I'm glad you posted, you are definately not alone; i wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

Post edited by: Dit, at: 03/31/2010 06:54 AM

03/31/2010 07:04 AM

Here's a guy's take.

This may or may not be Bipolar related.

One of the best bits of wisdom I've ever received from my mentor was about infidelity. I'm not married, but my closest friends are. There are some people that can be unfaithful to their spouse and keep a hundred foot wall between their infidelity and their family. And then there are some people that can't. Before you even consider testing the waters outside your marriage, I'd be honest with yourself about which of the categories I listed you fall into.

That said, it's very possible, as Dit said, that you're hypomanic, which may lead to hypersexuality. If that's the case, you need to be careful and you need to speak with your pdoc as soon as possible. The most important thing right now, in my opinion, is your well-being, and if you're trending "up", you need to get stable and level out.

All the Best,


03/31/2010 03:11 PM
Posts: 1732
Senior Member

You are definately not alone. I too experience hypersexuality. I try to direct it towards my husband but for some reason there is always an excuse. We work opposite schedules, or the kids are around or he just isnt feeling up to it. Then there are times where he is ready and I am not. Its kinda like a ticking time bomb in our house. But the lack of sex has me longing for other men. I used to have affairs and could keep it seperate from my homelife. But I am trying to keep that part of this disorder from running my life. I am sorry that you are having these feelings. I would also suggest talking to a therapist about it before acting on anything. Trust me, its a street you dont want to go down lightly.

03/31/2010 06:00 PM
Posts: 18

I too felt the need to be with other men and then I almost lost everything. My Husband, my children. It's not something to play around with. You must tell your pdoc and get your meds adjusted.

03/31/2010 10:38 PM
Posts: 91

You are not alone because I've been hypomanic and have cheated on my husband more than 10 times in our 16 yr marriage. For me the cheating didn't start until after we were married 2 yrs and then my husband & I went through a phase of experimenting sexually and trying new things, including a 3 some and that's what sparked it for me. We had another guy join in and they took turns with me it was a one time thing but it was something I won't forget. Within a few months after that I was having an affair with two different men at the same time. There were a few times I had sex with both of these men & my husband in the same day. I had a friend who knew about the guys & watched my son who was 2 yrs old at the time while I was off doing my not so good thing.Eventually I became pregnant for my daughter. I found out I was pregnant two weeks after I stopped the affairs with both guys. I had to tell my husband about the affairs and it killed me to see him so hurt. He made me get tested for every STD there was and REFUSED to had any kind of physical contact with me until I was tested as clean.

I questioned for the first few months on who the father was of my daughter because the affairs ended so closely to when I could have gotten pregnant. I used protection with one guy but not the other one.

Thankfully my daughter is OUR daughter. She's the apple of my husband's eye. She's now 13. After that I had a few one night stands a few very short term affairs and one long term affair that was on & off for years when I'd be in a hypomanic state.

I even filed for a divorce from my husband 11 yrs ago from a hypomanic episode. I ended up getting pregnant by another guy during that time. I released my son up for adoption and reconciled with my husband to put it briefly. My son is now 10 yrs old.(PM me if you want any details)

It wasn't until 6 1/2 yrs ago that I knew I was bipolar so until then I was an unfaithful cheating wife and that hurt me almost as much as it hurt my husband. He didn't deserve it either. I've done & still do (online only now) SAA because that, I feel, helps give me accountability towards my sexual desires. I've been faithful to my husband for years now but it took a lot of work on my part.

I still have hypomanic issues with sex but I don't go out looking for guys. I resort to other ways of releasing that energy.

I've never been one to turn down sex from my husband. I've only done it a few times when I'm so tired I can't even stay awake for it. I'm at a point again where no man, except my husband, interests me and I'm happy with that.


Share this discussion with your friends:

Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 All Rights Reserved