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03/24/2010 09:01 PM

Thoughts of moving away from Toxic family and frie

Cspala
Cspala  
Posts: 154
Member

Thoughts on Moving away from Toxic family and friends.. Starting fresh somewhere new for mental status.. Just thoughts of this racing through my mind every since my therapist said: "You should move away from your family" There are so toxic and bring you down..

How sad is that...I feel at lost at times. I get done with my bachelors hopefully this summer and maybe I will think about looking outside of florida...but i am not sure.. I dont have husband or bf or kids so I would just have save up some $$$. Anyways.. Thoughts of wisdom on this?

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03/25/2010 12:10 AM
anamouse
anamouse  
Posts: 115
Member

Hi, my therapist said the exact same thing to me! Years ago. And I'm still stuck here. I absolutely know how it is. The best thing I've ever learned from counseling was about SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. You should really look into that, it helps A LOT.

I'm in the same boat, no husband, kids or money, but I really really really want to move!!! It's been a dream forever. Maybe we can help each other with this goal and check up on each other to see how we're doing.

Here's the steps I took with the toxic people in my life.

1. Told them I'm going to counseling and that I'm not feeling well.

2. Told them my counselor told me to set some healthy boundaries (easy to just blame it on someone else, no explanations needed, by the way, the toxic people won't get it, but that's ok, just shrug your shoulders and move on).

3. When the toxic people are pissing you off, simply say "sorry, this crosses a boundary" and leave, hang up, etc.

4. Be happier, less controlled, less annoyed, feel freedom, have more time to fix other parts of yourself vs going round in circles with toxic people and getting sick!

I really recommend getting the healthy boundaries thing going for you even before you move though. Toxic people can and will still bug you over the phone no matter where you are. You know how bad words or even tones of voice can hurt.


03/25/2010 04:20 AM
FatherKarras
FatherKarras  
Posts: 3261
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I'm an Advocate

Sadly, I had to completely cut 2 of the 3 most toxic people (my dad and brother) out of my life. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my mom, as right now I don't have the means or ability to distance myself from her.

I won't pretend it doesn't hurt often, nearly everyday, especially with how much I loved them growing up, but they became so toxic and stupid over the years because of their alcoholism that they were triggering every time I saw or spoke to them.

It's very hard to do that, and even moving away, there's still the phone, e-mail, text, etc. Like Anamouse said, this is where setting the boundaries can be extremely helpful. By setting those boundaries, it enables you to be able to stay where you are, if you want, or move if you want. It gives you more freedom and flexibility.

Patrick


03/25/2010 05:44 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
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I'm an Advocate

I was in a very toxic relationship some years back and it just put me into a terrible state of depression. I was afraid to end it because it was all I knew at the time. I enlisted the help of a couple friends to help me move out and distance myself from the person. Moving out of state would be the best course of action, in my opinion, but just moving across town and not telling them your new address of phone number could possibly lessen some of the contact.

03/25/2010 06:32 AM
unbalanceddave
unbalanceddave  
Posts: 160
Member

Just remember where ever you go, there you are.

03/25/2010 07:16 AM
santos63
santos63  
Posts: 2524
Senior Member

Cut them from your life long enough for you to be able to establish appropriate and comfortable boundaries.When you are able to do that, you can let them back into your life - but on a leash. Then when they try to cross your boundaries, call them on it.and tell them- whatever and back off.

03/25/2010 08:01 AM
cptblack
cptblack  
Posts: 12381
VIP Member

Healthy Boundries will work if they aren't triggering you every chance thay get. And believe me, there are some who view it as their right to turn your life upside down! I set my boundries and when they cross them I just hang up or walk away. If they call back I just let the machine catch them. Caller ID is great.

The worst is when they make complicated plans then have my 12 Y.O. son 'relay' them. Like he's going to get it all right? But then I never schedule to their plans because they change them right up to and beyond the time things are susposed to start.


03/25/2010 08:38 AM
Lrose35
Lrose35  
Posts: 1732
Senior Member

What to do with Toxic people? I agree on setting boundaries but it is so hard to tell them that they are crossing them. Because they are toxic in the first place. If I tell my mom, a big trigger for me that she is crossing a boundary instead of a phone call I get an email. They have been pretty good about not crossing any boundaries because I needed them so much when I moved out and away from my husband. They are glad that I am back with him because now they are not bankrolling my living on my own even though I was working 2 jobs.

03/25/2010 10:30 AM
Kittyn1971
Kittyn1971  
Posts: 435
Senior Member

I had a long term toxic relationship that I got out of not too long ago, too, which is haunting me. Add that to my toxic job and that is a pretty bad combo. So.... this weekend I am moving a state away, leaving my job and starting fresh. My fiance has a job where we are moving to that will cover us while I look for something new. I'll let y'all know how it goes. Smile Wish me luck!
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