Bipolar Support Group

Please help me understand why my thinking is so different to many others here. I have never been able to understand the idea of embracing my illness as part of me. I have said before that I am one of the glass half empty people, am pessimistic and expect the worst to happen. I can't embrace my illness any more than I would cancer. It has caused me to have 17 hospital admissions totalling 2 yrs of inpatient time, 34 ECTs, many months where I couldn't work, lost memories, be incapable to care for my young children, I can no longer aspire to further study, I have significant problems with day to day memory, it causes my panic attacks, medication side effects and of course the mood changes. Yes I'm mired down in my problems and my 2 children and their disabilities. Even they were born having withdrawal from my meds. I expect a tirade of answers telling me to be grateful, and I am for my marriage has endured through the whole thing. I just can't accept bipolar although I know I have to live with it and I am. As I am in Oz I will be going to bed in a couple of hrs, but will look forward to reading your responses tomorrow - even the ones that slam me.

Fizzio,

All of us have things we don't like about ourselves. I suppose it's natural, although it shouldn't be. It sounds like you are angry at the parts of your life your illness has caused you to miss, but each experience has contributed to who you are now. Try to concentrate on the NOW. You are working, two jobs in fact. You are a wonderful caring mom to your children. You must be doing a lot of things right, because your husband obviously loves you very much.

Although you can't change the past and recapture the things you've missed, you can definitely make the most of the present, and really that's what is important.

Hugs to you, my dear friend. I think you are an awesome, wonderful person exactly as you are!

Hi, Fizzio, I doubt that anyone is going to slam you for feeling the way you do, not all of us can embrace the illness. Some of us have just learned to accept it as a fact of life, kinda like being a woman, we were born a woman, and short of surgery we will always be one, even after surgery, deep inside we still are..

I don't know for me personally if I really embrace the idea of being bipolar anymore than I embrace the idea of being diabetic, being a alcoholic/addict.. but for me, I've come to accept the idea that it is what I am, it's not who I am but what.

You've endured quite a lot over the years, and look at you now? you've made such great progress and have a loving family to support you and you support them.. you don't wallow in self pity over this, your here helping each one of us... we all cry out at times, why the hell me? but the question of why not me, begs to be asked..

Great start and thanks for being positive, Terri. Keep them coming please I am listening.

Fizzio - I couldn't embrace being an alcoholic either. My dream was always to be a social drinker so that...of course....I could drink as much as I wanted. LOL!!

I am what I am. I think the benefit of KNOWING I am an alcoholic gives me an advantage over those that don't. It gives me an insight into my behavior, and being in AA gives me tools to overcome those things.

My g/f was just an asshole before she had the diagnosis!! With the diagnosis came the "a-ha!" moment. The pattern of behavior was explained. That knowledge alone is priceless. Once you know WHY it is easier to identify symptoms and TREAT them.

I don't think there is ever a point where anyone in the world says "That's it! I'm perfect! No more work to be done here!" LOL It is an ongoing processes. One step forward, two steps back.

Terri is absolutely right. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves. I get caught up alot in comparing my insides to other people's outsides. I SEE people who are pretty, or rich, or funny, or skinny....and I want that but what I say in my head is IF I HAD THEN I WOULD BE HAPPY!! LOL Not true.

No matter where I go, there I am. It's been 16 years in AA that has finally gotten me to embrace my alcoholism. And I am not even sure that is the right word. Gratitude is the right word. I am grateful to have an answer for my assholism even more then my alcoholism. And even if you took the alcohol out - much of the rest of the world would never have a reason to look at themselves the way that I have been forced to for healthiness. I have a greater self awareness and can walk around without being socially retarded sometimes.

I tend to be cynical and sarcastic. Those are two things that I TRY to work on. It's really tough.

I try to work on seeing things from the other point of view, so not feeling instantly angry when someone upsets me. I really like Carmen's quote, "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle", that has really stuck with me. I even use it when I am on the road and someone cuts me off, as I have a tendency to road rage. I use it at work when my boss ignore me or seems annoyed with me (insecurities). I try, try, try to combat my negative thoughts, I am so much better at it than I used to be which is not saying much.

Goodnight, I'll catch up tomorrow. Thanks.

Fizzio...

Know what I like about you. You are a fighter..Yes, and that may come from having bipolar. So, the very disorder that you have to fight has also given you the will to fight it. I don't think it is fair that you have it. But, the fact is you do. A lot of people spend years in denial of the illness. I have read your posts and your background before answering. You have lived through some horrendous odds. And I think you have triumphed. I would never slam you. I applaud your victory.

As to telling you to embrace the disorder, no not if you don't want. I have found that is the best way for ME to deal with it. Like riding a wave, I can either swim against it and constantly be fighting, or let the wave take me and find ways to stay in control.

Glad you are here, Fizzio...

I'm with carmen and bejeweled.

For me, it's not embracing it as more or less accepting the way that I am. I can't just pretend that I'm not bipolar, I tried that and it didn't work so hot. It's not like I was born with six fingers and can just lob the extra one off so I can be like everyone else.

I wish that I had accepted it a long time ago instead of fighting it for so long. I'm in a much more honest place than I have ever been.

And norma's right... with bipolar, it's so much easier for me to just go where the wave takes me and steer as best I can rather than fight it. All fighting it has ever done for me is make me so tiered I can't breathe.

fizzio-i think part of it may be the ect. i know that having ect was a horrible experience for me and caused me to lose my short term memory for some time and certain memories forever. i DO NOT EMBRACE ECT AND WHAT IT DID TO ME!!! the fact is, it may have helped to save me from my suicidal thoughts, but i even have my doubts about that. i think about that and it makes me feel bitter. so, i can't blame you for feeling that way and that's a lot of what you talked about-the treatments and the side effects.

accepting who i am has worked for me, but only after a lot of practice, and it certainly hasn't taken away all of the insecurities or panic attacks.

to me, you sound amazing. your marriage is intact. you take care of two children with special needs and work two jobs. that's so much for anyone, let alone someone with bipolar disease who has undergone such extreme treatment as you have.

so maybe, for you, it's accepting the disease, but allowing yourself to still be mad about the ect, the med side effects, and on and on. i think that anger can be really healthy, but that you can have it while still accepting and embracing who you are, even if you don't embrace the treatments for bipolar.

i hope this makes some sense. you're the only other person i know that has had ect. i guess i just really understand the resentment where that particular treatment is concerned. it really takes a lot away from you and a lot out of you.

hope this isn't total rambling.

peace and love-

z.