Bipolar Support Group

How do you love someone with bi polar? It can be difficult, glorious, exciting, trying and lovely all within the same day! It ‘s very exhausting I can tell you that. Many times the person with bi polar is very creative. This makes the a very interesting person full of life and fun. A lot of times a likeable person that acquaintances see as fun loving and a good person. Most times they are but to live with this person day to day and loving this person can be a challenge that others don’t understand and don’t see. Many don’t understand the ups and downs in moods of the bi polar person. It has been said “it is like a roller coaster ride” and it is for the person with the disease as well as the people that love them. You have to alter your life to fit their moods. The loved ones have to always be on guard and keep the environment as calm as possible or you may throw them into an episode. You have to remember that their brains work differently than yours does.

My experience has been that the bi polar person does everything with passion. They love you with passion and can hate you within hours with the same passion and you will never know the reason behind either emotion. You have to learn to show no emotion a lot of times because when your feelings get hurt so many times with things they say to you but don’t always mean, you build a wall around yourself and tell yourself that it doesn’t matter because they will change in a short time and they will be the kindest most loving person around. During these ups and downs you have to remember the reason you fell in love with this person in the first place. It is hard at times and doubt yourself often. They make you feel unworthy a lot of the time and you have to steel yourself against these feelings and tell yourself YOU DO Matter and you are worthy.

It is a known fact that the bi polar person lashes out at the people they love most because they know you will love them unconditionally no matter what. You have to understand that they are going through torment themselves and probably don’t really want to be like this but many times can’t help it.

It is tough to not be able to express yourself or discuss things with this person you love because you never know how they will react. Quite often they will over react and try to fix it for you when in reality all you needed was someone to listen to you . At this time I stopped sharing things with my husband. Then they accuse you of keeping things from them or not talking to them or being cold.

In my case there was about two to 3 months out of a two year period that are good and like things were when we were fist married and it is bliss ! Then we start into another cycle of grouchy, high moods, low moods, loving, hateful, back and forth. There are times in public they embarrass you and others, belittle you in front of others. Your first reaction is to cry but over the years you just get hardened and tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. Then within a couple of hours they expect you to be all loving and expect you to act as nothing happened.

I have felt like my life has been out of controls and not my own for over 10 years. I made a vow to be with him in sickness and in health and that is what I intended to do.

The person who loves the bipolar person needs lots of support from understanding friends and family. It is often difficult to find these type of people but the first step is to educate people you know about this disease. Don’t degrade or talk badly of the bi polar person. It is a disease and they are tormented with this everyday of their lives. It can be controlled with medications. And you have to let the person know you want them to take their medication so you can love them to the best of your ability and you want to help them and that you will love them even in the bad times but they have to do their part to control this disease as much as they can.

This disease affects the loved ones just as much as the person that has it but in different ways. When they suffer you suffer! It is hard to have to commit a person to confinement that you love. You will question yourself, whether you did the right thing or not. Other people will not understand why you have to do what you do. They will tell you “I didn’t see anything wrong with him or her!” and they will blame you for committing them. They didn’t live with this person. Your loved one could hurt themselves or others without even knowing what they are doing. They may cause an accident because of their lack of concentration and really hurt someone. When in reality the person with bi polar would never hurt anyone normally. If it did happen they would never forgive themselves and may never come out of an episode. You have to do what is best for the person even if it hurts and you feel that you are betraying them. They may even accuse you of betrayal and tell you they never want to see you again. This is the time to take a little break and not see them if they are in the hospital. You can go to see them but if they refuse just tell them “I’ll be back later to see if you are ready to see me then but I WILL BE BACK because I love you. This will do more for that person than getting angry or taking it personally. It feels personal but you have to remember after an episode there are a lot of the things they say and do they don’t remember. Which is good as they would never forgive themselves. It is easier for you to forgive them once they come back to being their loving selves. It takes a strong person to deal with all of this. It takes an unselfish person to think of their needs first.

Just imagine if everything that has ever happened to you or everything that has been said to you just kept cycling through your mind at all times what it would be like. Actually we can’t imagine. The normal human mind stores these things deep in the background and you may never remember them. Bi Polar people don’t forget things in the past. They think of them all the time and bits and pieces get put together in the wrong way sometimes and they remember things differently than they really happened. They take everything very personal and think people are against them.

When the bipolar person is in a bad mood they many times try to start an argument with you just to release their tension and prove they are right and ok. My experience with this is NOT to argue. You will never WIN an argument in there eyes and things can be said that are hurtful and the bipolar person will never forget and recycle it over and over in their mind and make it a lot worse than it was which only adds to the tension of the relationship. In other words you have to overlook many things. It takes two to argue and if you don’t do it there is no one for them to argue with!

The family member or person close to them must understand the way this disease really works. It is the disease talking most of the time not the person.

You have to remember that many bipolar patients will cycle through moods. It is wise to keep a journal of these moods. If the patient will agree to do it themselves it is a great way for them to control and understand the disease and how it is affecting them. Many times they will not do this. Loved ones can keep track and never hold it against the person but just so you can be in tune with the person . This also helps the Dr. or councilor to know how to treat the disease and if they have to be hospitalized it can help tremendously.

Many times officials and Dr. won’t believe or discuss it with the loved ones, or wife because “of privacy acts” This really gets in the way of treatment, I believe. At first no one would believe me when I tried to share the facts. They just thought I wanted to “put him away”. So many times I felt helpless. Finally when the Dr. learned that I was only concerned about my husband the started to talk to me. They realized that he was saying anything to get out of getting help mainly because when the bipolar person is having an episode the truly believe they are ok and don’t need help. Their mind is going so fast(in a manic episode) and they fell good like having a “high” when in reality they don’t sleep for days and days and fail to take care of daily needs etc. This is hard on their body and when the mind doesn’t rest they get very confused and the thought process is all over the place from one subject to the next and are very hard to follow their train of thought. They will get upset with you because you may not understand what they are trying to tell you. All I can say is to be a patient as you can. Yelling at them does not help. You have to remember the torment they are going through. Believe me this all is a very trying exhausting experience. I was lucky in the fact that we have good friends that would take him places for an hour or so that I may have a little rest from it.

My loved one was first hospitalized for 3 month until they diagnosis it as being bi Polar(really back then 25 years ago they called it manic depressive) . Now it may take a lot less time initially because there are so many new better medications. He then didn’t have an episode for 20 years. He took his medication every day and was ok. He was always moody at times but nothing that wasn’t manageable. He was a loving parent good husband and a hard worker.

Then one day he started getting manic and saying that Jesus told him to do things like take money or do strange things. This is a known fact about a lot of bipolar patients. They think someone either God or even the Devil at times are telling them to do things. In my loved ones case he never remembered doing these things or that anyone told him to. He never remembered some of the hurtful things he said to me and others . He would drive and never remember how he got someplace during an episode. Many times he would have done things to get himself in jail but I would keep track of where he was and detour him. I knew in his normal state he would never do these things as he was an honest loving person. This can really be hard on the people looking after them. You get the point where you can’t worry about what others think of you or him. You can apologize and move on. If you can just remember that the most important thing is to care for the bipolar person.

It is very hard to get them to sign themselves into a facility for care. The law states that they have to sign themselves in and can sign themselves out. This is why it is so important to not scream and yell and upset them but let them know you love them and you want them to be with you like the good times in the past and that is why you want them to get help.

My loved one was never violent but would get angry because he wanted to be in charge. Sometimes I had to just drive them to the hospital not telling them where we were going and when we would get close he would say” you’re taking me to the hospital aren’t you?” I would say “yes because I love you and want you to be home with me as soon as possible and we can get on with our lives” This usually worked for me however each case is different and should be handled according to the person’s personality. I’ve known patients that can be violent. Never force them to do anything. If you have to get police help do so. I had to one time. The police understand if you tell them the situation and what is wrong with this person. They will help you. Never just accuse the person . Always let them know you are trying to help them. Every time after the hospitalization and he was recovering at home he would THANK ME for taking care of him. That made it all worth the pain and trials.

I never could have gotten through any of it without God and his son Jesus Christ. I would pray for strength, and the right words to say and the right people to come into our lives at the right time. It was always taken care of! It gave me such peace to know I wasn’t alone during these times.

One time my husband had gone quite a ways from home about 70 miles and would call me telling me off the wall things. I got him to tell me where he was and I drove there and talked him into coming home. His driving was terrible as he couldn’t concentrate long enough to watch traffic. He wouldn’t leave his vehicle so I was following him home. He was taking an exit ramp at a fast pace and I could see that he had pulled right out in between two semi-trucks. I began to pray “God take care of him Please” Just at that moment before my very eyes he went ,what looked like, under the semi and wound up on the other side of the truck and was safe. He would have had to go through the truck as he was in a big dual pickup that never would have gone under the truck. He was smack dab in the middle of the two trucks so he couldn’t have gone in front of or behind either truck. I totally believe that this was a miracle from God. There was never a scratch found on his pickup and the trucker that pulled into the truck stop where we met didn’t feel a thing. There have been many miraculous things in our lives but none quite like this. We got back home and this time he wouldn’t go to the hospital on his own. I had to contact the police. This was such a hard thing to do. But he was endangering himself and others by driving. By this time he was so bad he was just babbling and making no sense at all. They took him into custody and to the hospital for being a treat to himself and others. We had to go to court. It was very hard thing for me to do. I sat there looking at the one I love that I had put there. I doubted myself so much and told myself I was terrible for doing so. But in truth I knew I had to do it. The judge asked him if he took his medicine and took care of himself and he looked at me and told the judge “She makes sure I do and takes care of me, because she loves me.” That is when I knew I had done the right thing by calling the police to help me. He really wanted help but his nature was to want to be in charge and not give in. They sentenced him for evaluation at the mental hospital and would be treated and then re-evaluated often.

I was there everyday to see him and to talk to the Dr. about his progress. There were times when he was worse and didn’t want to see me but just knowing that I wanted to see him helped in his recovery. It was hard when he would say “I don’t want to see her” I would just leave and come back later and he would see me and be very happy I was there. There were times when he’d say I want a divorce. I told him we’d talk about it as soon as he got better and was at home. When he got over the episode and was at home he didn’t even remember it and said “I don’t want a divorce.” It takes some time to get the medications correct. It is a fine line between not enough and too much. It has to stay consistent and the family has to be patient. Just remember it is harder on the patient than on you. I worried and was on edge a lot of the time because you just never know what mood they will be in. It makes you tired, and worn out. I feel like I aged 10 yrs in one year’s time.

Try to remember the good times you have together and know that they are possible again. Also remember that the bipolar person usually strikes out at the ones they love the most because they know that you will love them unconditionally no matter what. They need someone stable in their lives that they can depend on.

This disease has made me as a loved one be a stronger person than I ever could imagine. I now no longer have him to take care of as he passed away. I miss him something terrible I don’t miss the episodes of the disease but I remember the good times and the bad times fade as time goes on. I have no regrets for anything I did. I know that I took care of him to the best of my ability with God’s help. It is such a comfort to know that he is with our Heavenly Father NO suffering, NO tormented mind, Such peace! The first time in my life I no longer worry about him. I cry for ME as I miss his smile, his teasing way, his big heart, and his hugs but I don’t cry for him because he is finally at peace.

First, you begin with a whole lot of over-generalizing about bipolar people. You have all of your info from your experience with your husband, not ALL "bipolar people" specifically. So for you to came on here with this post is probably sending heads and eyes rolling because you are speaking from a subjective rather than objective point of view. He was living a particular set of challenges that not all people here can relate to. We each have our own lives and our own particular types of challenges. You assume everything you say is fact about your situation, like "How to Love a Bipolar Person" like you are an expert on the subject. I am a born-again Christian and I tell you this is only pride running amuck. This is what you do, and that is what you do. No one wants to listen to that. Also, my husband would not have put up with me lashing out at him, and I would never do it - it has nothing to do with being bipolar. And not all people can conveniently forget what we've done. I live with the words I have spoken and the actions I have taken. Not all bipolars are like your husband. Actually while I am sure you truly love your husband what is truly obvious to me as a Christian is that you have a problem with controlling and manipulating. Search your heart and ask God if it is true. Finally your worst sin here is causing your husband to be in a place of submission to you by your being the head of the family. Again search your heart.

God's Blessings to you

Sammy

Post edited by: mariel24h, at: 03/05/2010 10:42 PM

Post edited by: mariel24h, at: 03/05/2010 10:45 PM

The response that I am going to give you is full of smart assery the likes of which you have never seen before. Just a warning.

“A lot of times a likeable person that acquaintances see as fun loving and a good person. Most times they are but to live with this person day to day and loving this person can be a challenge that others don’t understand and don’t see”

Woo frickin’ hoo. That is the condition of every non-comatose human being that has ever lived. Who knew that we could act differently towards different people?

“You have to remember that their brains work differently than yours does.”

Yeah, but get this- we do normal stuff, too!

“you build a wall around yourself and tell yourself that it doesn’t matter because they will change in a short time and they will be the kindest most loving person around.”

Glad to know I’m like the weather in Killeen, Texas.

“They make you feel unworthy a lot of the time and you have to steel yourself against these feelings and tell yourself YOU DO Matter and you are worthy.”

Psst. We need to hear that sometimes, too. However bad you feel about us, we feel infinitely worse.

“It is a known fact that the bi polar person lashes out at the people they love most because they know you will love them unconditionally no matter what”

If this were true, I wouldn’t read sentences like “I’m afraid he/she will leave me” ALL THE DAMN TIME on here.

” At this time I stopped sharing things with my husband. Then they accuse you of keeping things from them or not talking to them or being cold.”

Unhealthy Relationships 101. I’d ask you to teach it, but Georgia universities are about to tank anyway.

“Don’t degrade or talk badly of the bi polar person”

That’s rich. I’m talking creamy milk chocolate rich. Or Bill Gates + Steve Jobs rich.

“Bi Polar people don’t forget things in the past. They think of them all the time and bits and pieces get put together in the wrong way sometimes and they remember things differently than they really happened. They take everything very personal and think people are against them.”

Not forgetting things but forgetting things is kinda contradictory. Also, what you’re trying to describe (or what I think you’re trying to describe) also happens to all people. This is not Bipolar Exclusive.

“It is the disease talking most of the time not the person.”

Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. I may be under the influence while I’m in a mood, but I’m still accountable for my actions. It’s called responsibility.

“Many times they will not do this.”

Have you visited a mental hospital lately? Myself and the other bipolar patients at the last hospital all keep excellent records. Additionally, many people on MDJunction self-report. Quit generalizing.

“Many times officials and Dr. won’t believe or discuss it with the loved ones, or wife because “of privacy acts” This really gets in the way of treatment, I believe. At first no one would believe me when I tried to share the facts.”

Actually, you can talk until you’re blue in the face. You can share the “facts” all you want. However, unless your loved one has signed a release, the care team responsible for your loved one can’t disclose certain information, even if you’re the person who admitted the patient.

“Now it may take a lot less time initially because there are so many new better medications”

New medications do not an easy road make.

“It is very hard to get them to sign themselves into a facility for care.”

Once more, you’re generalizing. Countless individuals are admitted voluntarily.

“This usually worked for me however each case is different and should be handled according to the person’s personality.”

Give the gal a medal!

“The police understand if you tell them the situation and what is wrong with this person”

I can see why you’ve had such a easy time, seeing as you view it as your husband having something “wrong” with him.

“They need someone stable in their lives that they can depend on.”

Once more, you’ve stated something that applies to all people.

I’m sorry for your loss, but you really seem to have an issue with generalizing a single case beyond its capacity. Also, you talk about people with bipolar disorder as though we’re another species entirely, but many of the things you’ve said applied to all people- across cultures even! It seems very high-handed for you to come here on your first post to “educate” people on what it means to love YOUR HUSBAND. His case applied to him, just as my case applies to me. I understand that we can all learn from one another, but you seem to act like you’ve written the definitive guide to loving someone with bipolar disorder, and you haven’t.

Okay, I'm new to this site, and I think that this person has shared HER experience.

If you think she's being disrespectful, reread your judgments. Sorry, but while the title and some statements maybe generalities, they ARE her personal experience, and can be helpful to others.

You could have just said, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" and it would have been more considerate. If I were to weigh the level of respect between her initial post and the ones that came after, I'd say hers wins.

If you don't want to be judged, then don't judge. Period. Seems like a WHOLE LOT of the pot calling the kettle black.

And just so you know, my father was dx'd with BPD, and I'm going to get checked for it, so you can't really place me on one side or another. I'm trying to be as objective as possible.

I think she should be commended for the lifelong love she gave to her husband, and also for sharing her story. If she turns out to be a troll, so what? She gave me a lot to think about; things to consider regarding my SO who has BPD.

Anyone hear about copy right laws? Welcome to the group!

Edited for Formatting

Post edited by: ApRiLGeTsAngry77, at: 03/06/2010 05:17 AM

Welcome to the group. I apologize for the negative responses that you have received here. While I found your post touching, some here were obviously offended. www.mdjunction.com/bipolar-in-the-family might be a better forum for your post. Take care.

I am sure you were writing this from a good place but I am not liking the fact you are saying that ALL bipolar people are like what you are describing.

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. The death of a mate is one of the most stressful things a person will deal with in their life. I am very pleased that you were able to find a way to co-exist with your husband and his mental disorder. I am also glad you have positive memories which will be with you forever.

Unfortunately for you, because this was your first post, you must not have realized that you were posting "How to Love a Bipolar Person" on a bipolar persons support group. We do know how we need to be loved! I think what you meant was How to Cope with a Bipolar Mate. JMO!! I think you have very good coping stategies and BP in the Family would be an excellent place for you because many people there are struggling with their bipolar mates and would benefit from your experiences.

Post edited by: tinlizzy, at: 03/06/2010 08:15 AM

Post edited by: tinlizzy, at: 03/06/2010 10:47 AM