Picking through the rubble

Hi, everyone, we've had many conversations on here about what is normal, what is us, and what is the illness..

I've been doing that a lot here recently trying to figure out what is my personality.. what things were me and what things could have been brought on by the illness or created because of the illness.

I find myself questioning my memory sometimes, like when I tell someone you did this or you said this and they deny it.. I know for sure, at least I believe I know, and then wonder if they really did. I've been threatening to get a tape recorder and a video camera and keep it going 24/7. Kinda sad when you feel like you need proof in black and white to prove you are not insane..

Before medications, I considered my memory to be sharp as a tack, recall almost a 100%, except for a few childhood things that I know I have intentionally buried, things best left buried.. while I might not be able to quote verbatim, I can/could come close enough..

I'm very methodical about how I do things, almost to the point of OCD..like transcribing things, you know how the little phonebook you carry or at least use to carry can become all messy, phone numbers change so you scratch out the old, put in the new, etc, till finally it becomes such a mess that you just buy a new one and move everything that is current to a new one? I've got several of them..lol, use to keep phone books for the different areas I lived in, friends and such from each place..and still have quite a few of them.. tools have to be kept in one general location, things that can be considered tools as they pertain to projects with them, etc.. not scattered all over the place, I've been recently trying to transcribe all the information we've had in different books for things like passwords and log ins for the different sites we use, into one book, I like things at my fingertips and don't want to have to go digging for them, trying to figure out where they are.. recently was told I had left something out of the transcription to the new book that was in the old book, I doubted myself on that, I know how I am about doing those kinds of things, but there was the nagging thought at the back of my head that maybe I had left it out.. later it was proven I had not, but just those thoughts have driven me crazy.

Anyone else?

Post edited by: carmen33, at: 07/06/2008 04:45

The question is... WHO AM I TODAY?

Each of us is continiously redefining who we are. Every event in our lives change us a little, even just ever so slightly day to day. These changes, good or bad, effect who we are today. I guess what I am trying to say is that we are the sum of our experiences (don't know if that came out right or not).

I am not the exact same person I was yesterday or 2 miniutes from now. I can through my own decisions shape the direction of some of these changes (sometimes better than others).

I am not the same person that I was when my wife and I got married at 17 years old. I can remember being idealistic. Now the idealistic nature has been tempered with wisdom (or at least I would like to think so). That wisdom has came about through the life experiences.

The things that once seemed so important are but shadows of who we have become. If it had not been for the experiences rendered to us through dealing with bipolar, would we have near the appreciation for such things as stability (that elusive normal, what ever that means), patience (waiting for meds to kick in), friends and family (as we have lost so many, and appreciate those that have hung it out with us all the more), the creativity of mania..... the list goes on and on.

Give attention to those things that are worthy of it, everything else can go by the wayside!

Sorry for the length, just some thoughts from the RED SIDE (FAR SIDE GONE REALLY WRONG!)

I am a work in progress...not finished. If I look at myself in the beginning of my life and look at myself now, I see the same person. Just refined and tempered by living. I am not my disease, my environment, or my family, although all of these have contributed to who I am today. I made a choice a long time ago to live instead of exist. And each day I can choose to have a good attitude and to do the best I can at living this life. It is all about the choices. I have made some really bad ones. I regret some of them. But, even the really bad choices taught me something. So they were positive in a way.

I still make choices today. Whether to drink, go to work, take care of my family, give and recieve love, talk to other people with kindness and compassion, lose my temper or not lose my temper, keep on living with a positive attitude.

Some days are better than others but, all are precious. The rubble as I see it just provides a base for my growth, like fertilizer. It is rich in experience and gives energy for growth.

When I close my eyes for the last time, I want to go home to the place from whence I came, knowing I lived instead of existed.

The memory thing is a big issue. There has been a lot of talk recently that our lives are so busy that as we get older we can't remember so much.

I have had 34 ECTs when I was misdiagnosed, 13 with my first pregnancy, then 2 more courses later. I was told it would not affect my memory. I know it did because it was not until after the last course that I had problems. I went back to my job and couldn't remember the names of the people I worked with or any of the paperwork. That hadn't happened before. Since then I find that I constantly having to ask the same questions at work. I think they think I am just scattered brained and they don't know about BP. The problem for us is that even if you think you are writing down all the important things but there is always something else you didn't. I totally denied signing a legal document which I had.

I think I give myself more breaks now. It affects my work but does not put anyone at risk. I can't go back to my masters because I can't read and absorb journal articles (that took 10yrs to accept). The shame of it is I don't remember any of my kids childhood up to age 4, and then memories before that back for several years. My hb will say, 'do you remember that weekend we went to .... where we did this wonderful.... and this wonderful thing happened', and I say, 'nup'.

I did find however when I got off Epilim recently that I had some flashback memories and my working memory was improved, but didn't last long because I had a panic attack and had to go back on it.

I try to give myself a break not to have to remember everything.

I'm lucky I have photos and videos of my kids and I have to be consistent to keep taking them as that my memory if poor.

I accept the limitations of my working memory and choose jobs I can get by with (and my son beats at chess because I can't think more than one move ahead).

I gave up my desire that go back to my masters.

I feel very sad and angry about it but try to sit with that (I think about that all the time but this won't help).

I write down what I think is important and hope I got the right things.

The thing about lots of notebooks in different places started at different times I have not solved, so if anyone has an answer to that I would love to know.

I know this is long but it is one of my major regrets of the whole thing and I wonder if I was diagnosed earlier with bp that I wouldn't have had ECT.

It's also important to keep using your memory to prevent further deterioration with memory activities.