Bipolar Support Group

hi all,

this is my first post and i guess it may be a little winded but I need a little help from others with this disease. I have been married to my wife since 2002 and we have been going out together since 1996. We have two kids one four and one almost two. After my second child my wifes illness began to surface. She was first diagnosed with post partum and given anti-depressants which make bi-polar worse as you might all know already. Now here comes the questions I need a little help with. My wife is now a cutter she slits her wrists, her stomach, thighs etc. I was told by the first psych we went to this a bad coping technique but it is acceptable as lng as she dont cut too deep. We both agreeed not to see this doctor because that advice sounded crazy. But the night we went home from the doctor she tried cutting sagain and i didnt call 911 because they were not deep cuts was I totlally wrong? Now onto the bigger problems while in rehab she met this guy alcholic, drug user, suicidal trouble with the law etc. And now after 12 years she just wants to up and leave me and the kids and move in with him. I tried to resort to something I dont know is right or wrong. Allowing this guy into myu home for a few weeks in order to try and salvage what we have. Should I even allow this man into house? Will it actually help her and us or will this actually make the whole problem bigger? She says he is her emotional support and just a friend. I dont know what to do should I just let her go? I dont want to she says we are getting a divorce and that our differences cant be worked out she says there is no love left in her heart for me. She says I am the trigger that sets her off. I will say the last year has been trying I am a corrections officer on second shift and she needed me home at night to try and cope with this whole situation. I was unable to switch shifts i took off as much as possiblr and her mom helps out alot alot. Her mom know that this person she know is is not the person she was as do I but if I dont allow him in she said they will get an aptartment together. Was it right for me to tell her if she dioes that what little chance of our marriage getting back is through? I love her but years ago she cheated on me. I told her if she gets an aptartment with this guy it will be over. I just need to know what should i do with this guy I am not overly mad at him or at her I am mad at the disease she has but I try and understand it everyday. I goto meetings with talk with her doctors. I just dont know what to do here I dont want to lose her but even her mom says dont make it easy on her either. Her parents are both against this and she is isolating everyone around her. Thank you all for reading this and i will try and answer any questions you all might have.

Brendon

Dear Brendon.... I think her Mom is right. Having a male "friend" move in with you is just too much. I know you are real close to the problem but, if you heard someone else telling you this story what would you tell them.

Make a stable life for you and your kids. Your wife might have to find out the hard way about making bad choices in life. Some people just have to do that. I would fight to keep the kids. Her living with someone who is a drug user and alcoholic is not a good environment for the kids. A four yr old and a 2 yr old need a stable homelife. She doesn't sound very stable. I would not allow overnight visits with the drug user alcoholic in the picture.

Get some help for YOU. Go to therapy and get some help developing coping mechanisms. Do some soul searching and see if you are an enabler for her behaviors. Sounds like she wants to move in with the "friend" to have someone who will allow her to continue self-destructive behaviors. YOU put your foot down and just make it very clear her behaviors are not acceptable. If she goes, then she goes, and you take care of yourself and the kids. You can't help someone unless they decide they need help.

Keep posting here Brendon...we are here to help...glad you joined.

Hi Brendon, I'm glad you are here. I myself can't answer your questions. I have BPD (amongst other things) and can only say that I've done alot of things to alot of people that I wish now I could take back. Can't say it's because I'm Bipolar though.

There are alot of people on here who are spouses living with a BP person..

My thoughts are with you and your family

First of all, let her move in with this guy if she thinks he is the solution to all of her problems. Help her put her boxes in the moving truck. As soon as the truck is out of the driveway, get yourself custody of your kids. That is the solution to your problem. Now we can talk about why....

Just because people have BP doesn't make them cheat. It took me a little while to understand this. Since I do have a BP girlfriend that cheated. Then I read things that said it can be a symptom of bp during mania. And not hypomania. Full blown mania. What happened to my girlfriend, I can see it now of course this made NO sense then. Is that she was miserable. There was no diagnosis then. She was just miserable and angry then really angry then REALLY miserable. She blamed EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. About three years ago she said to me "Have you ever thought that there was someone out there that you were meant to be with?" I was shocked and said, um you? But that isn't how she was thinking. Her reasoning was that I am the reason she was miserable. If only I, If only I, If only I....on and on.

It rotated between me and her job. But it was definately her "situation" or so she believed. So it WAS because of the BP that she had an affair, she felt that I was making her miserable.

I flipped out of course. The pain was unbearable. I told her to stay with her if she wanted to (it was far uglier then this but that was the just of it) and she swore she didn't want to. She wasn't out of her mind when she did it. When she was lying to me. She knew what she was doing. What she discovered is and this is my favorite quote "She pissed me off too." LOL Of course, she did. We went to therapy where she was misdiagnosed and put on lexapro which made it FAR worse. Only a few months ago we got the actual diagnosis. She is participating in therapy, going to her pdoc and taking her medications. She is no different then the day I met her. Every time she starts a new pill we stand there for a minute like, is this one actually going to do something?? It hasn't yet. And until it does the therapy won't work so well. One of the problems she has is not being able to indentify feelings other then anger or misery.

The problem with liars is that you can never tell when they are being honest. And she has disappointed me more then once. She is a liar. She is capable of hurting me beyond belief. I will not feel safe in this relationship until I see some change and understanding of what happened on her side. I get it. I doubt she does.

If you scroll through these boards you will see lots of stories of BP's that cheated. Plenty want to come back after a little while. I am sure that it's because they realize that wherever they go - there they are. Just as miserable as ever.

If she insists on going, and won't see it as a sign of needing to see a new psychiciatrist - let her go. She's an adult. But take care of your kids. When she realized she made a horrible choice and wants to come back. That is up to you.

thank you all for your insight. This is a difficult and trying time right now and I appreciate all your comments and posts.

Brendon

Keep coming here hun, very good group here...please let us know how it turns out

i finally thought about it all the whole situation and told her how is is going to be from now. I know I have made some mistakes in the past and sure for the last few monthes I have fallen a little outta love for you but I also tiold her I cannot allow this man into my home. She keeps telling me i am wrong he should be allowed to come with her and see the kids and I tell her he cant. He cant even see his own kids unsupervised. I told her that if she leaves with him and stays the night even as friends it is over on tuesday. So Tuesday maight be a rough night for me. But I wil have to learn to continue living without her and hope for the best. I do love her and i hope that I made the right decison in the end. Thank you all once again for your insight

Brendon

Hey Brendon,

Good for you. She is making some bad choices. Just do what is best for you and the kids. If the boyfriend can't see his own kids unsupervised that says a lot about him.

Tuesday if she decides to leave, make sure you get custody of the kids. She does not sound like she is stable. Protect your children at all costs. One day she may come to her senses, but, as for now she doesn't seem like her judgment concerning her boyfriend is very good.

Keep us posted...you are not alone. Bless you...