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chico Posts: 29
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I'm back. I am a 36 yr. old mother of 2 boys. I am sucessful, attractive, fun, open minded, compassionate, compromising-- I think  I am married to a man who was once all of these things. Now, all I see when I look at him is a helpless little boy living in his own world oblivious to any one around him unless, he wants to be a part. I guess what I need is the truth. I need to know if I am the selfish, controling bitch that I am made out to be. I can take brutal honesty but first let me give you an idea of our lives. I met him on a blind date. He was younger then me. He tried to cancel but his best friend wouldn't let him. We hit it off(I am not sure why looking back) I did not hear from him for 2 years! He called one day, we went out and took up like we never stopped. He wasn't working, living with his mother and her dysfunctional husband. No school, no work, and hibernating in his room. My senior year of college he moves up with me under the premise he was going to school. He signed up, paid and dropped out 2 weeks later. He spent each day in my apartment and never left! Engaged when I graduated, a son 2 years later and another son 3 years later. If it weren't for his family owned buissness he would have probably been through several jobs. When I began to be concerned is when I would come home from work early to find all the curtains drawn, my 2 yr old wandering the house(full diaper) and him sleeping on the couch. Seclusion began. My youungest was being watched bby my sister and she would call me to say he had missed school AGAIN. My husbands day off would be the day he missed. She went to my house and found my 3 yr playing alone in the livingroom, no one answering the door and him asleep in the bedroom with the TV on and air conditioning blowing. I am supportive still.I can fix him! I am a therapist afterall!! This is when he began to miss days of work. No call. His family would call me. I later found out how I was the blame. each episode he blamed it on something different. I began to escape. I put kids to bed and then found every excuse to get out of my home!!! Each episode would be him sleeping for 2 days straight!! then he would roll into work b/c his father would threaten him. Then he would call me sobbing begging me to help him. I would leave work drive around trying to find him. When I did he would be out of it and look at me like I was a stranger. So many tears I have shedded. So many counselors, day program where he skipped and go hide. Inpatient b/c he barracaded himself in our home(his family discharged him b/c it wasn't a place he needs to be). Last year at this time is when he was hospitalized. He also came out that he has a memory of a man's genitilia(this hasn't led to anything other then letting him off the hook for another episode)This is the time I began to die. I have lost my spark, my spirit my love for the man I married. Iam tired and I WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!!!!! In march we seperated and for the first time I could breathe. 2 weeks later he begged me back and promised he would never let this happen again---wanted to forget everything!! 1 week later I found 3 letters written to me and my sons telling us goodbye and to please understand. I trully died this day. He said they were nothing and would never do that to us. Well, it's been a year- he has had episodes but bounces back. However, I had to pay a 400$ cable bill from downloaded porn at all hours of the night, he goes to our basement every night and stays down there until well after midnight. He says he is cleaning on the weekends when he goes down there and yet it is trashed. We don't talk about the illness b/c he feels all we do is dwell on it! He lies about things(small things) Sleeps constantly, complains of body aches or headahes, he spends time with the boys but he is really not there. There's a body but nothing else. I do everryhting! we had topay 700$ 2 months ago b/c his car was repossed for unpaid parking tickets. Last week, his car was towed again b/c of outstanding ticket. He does nothing. I am the sole responsible parent/adult.The latest, he was to take my children to school, I just got a call from my mom that he called her to watch the boys b/c they are sick at home. He doesn't see anything wrong in leaving them, going to work and calling my mom and expecting her at 70yrs old to jump in the car drive 15 min!!!! He wanted to know why I was angry and then said--your always mad and quite frankly, I am getting sick of the way you treat me. I feel like I am going crazy. That maybe I am a bitch and have created this man to be this way. I want out, but I don't know how and I know that it is inevitable that one day he will find a way to leave us. I am sad and I find myself constanatly looking at men and wanting them to rescue me~ Please respond and if you feel I am at fault I want to know. I am no angel, I like to have agood time- I probably have placed my friends higher then him b/c they get me,I like to spend money(not hundreds and hundreds--our bills are paid maybe not on time) I invite him each time I have plans and he nevers wants to go. I honestly feel the only reason he gives me grief is b/c he then has to be responsible for the boys. I later find out from my oldest that dad spent the entire time in the basement. My kids will be put to sleep in the clothes they wore to school!no homework done. Please respond |
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peach Posts: 267
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Whoa Chico! Sounds like it is he who has the problem and you are probably not a controlling bitch at all. Sounds like he needs some good help. You are doing good things for yourself, like going out with friends--that's super important. Is he willing to go to a doc? It's time! It sounds like more than a therapy-alone issue and he may need some meds. Remember: you can't fix him. You can help him though and being here's a good place to start. I am thinking of and praying for you. Hugs and peace, peach |
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catlover  Posts: 7
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Hi, You are not at falt, and it is supprising to read your story. It is the same story I face day in and day out except for the kids part. I do not have any children, but the cats are our children. I to am exausted and at my wits end. This is all new for me as this just started in August, but now that I look back it has been going on for the past 2 years. They hiding out in the basement, sleeping all day, complaining of headacs all the time. Life is not about me. My feelings are never a factor in his eyes. So I understand what you are going through. I have no advise as I don't even know how to deal with any of it. I am here to listen if you want to vent. April |
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heatherr Posts: 395
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*HUGS* You live my life. I think the only way to save your sanity is to establish some good communication. Let me ask you a couple questions...has he been diagnosed? does he take meds? is he making any attempt to improve himself? Dont sit back and wait for it to get better, Im here to tell you it wont. If he wont communicate and get help, you have to think about yourself and your kids. I accept a lot of bad behavior because mine is attempting to better himself. He's on meds, he's trying new treatments, he's trying to communicate with me about it and its a work in progress. This place helps me to deal with the things I have to go through. We are here for you, keep talking...it helps. |
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chico Posts: 29
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Hi, thanks for responding. I guess I left out the part that yes he is on meds. we started Welbutrin that was awful, he went without any for awhile and then relapse so backto the doc(a different one) he was put on adderal and lexapro. We didn't notice a difference. He then went on effexor and adderall. He went on this for about 2 years with many episodes in between but I hid it for everyone. He was finally dx about a year and half ago. I think I knew all along it was bi polar. Oh, the best aprt, his uncle committed suicide when he was younger. No one ever talked about it or acknowledge it until the dhospitalization. His father finally acknowledged that he thinks his brother(my husbands uncle) had depression---ya think! Then, his mother proceeds totell me that when my husband was 15 he came to her with a plan to kill himself---he had a figgin plan!!!! They took him to one session and that was it. Of course when he met me they were thrilled because they knew I was strong and could deal with this living hell!!! My husbands father actually came to me and told me that if I serviced my husband more that would cure the problem! His family has no idea about the letters(he wrote one to them too) do you think I need to tell them? we use to talk, we set up safety plans, code words for when he feels down. You name it we did it. He went to the hospital and they referred him to a partial day program. He lasted a day and half. the following month was the barricading himself in our house- he went inpatient. I was leaving for a training for work that I needed! He wanted his momma to come and stay. his family and me decided he needed to stay at least 1 week before discharge- I was no sooner in the air when they called and told me they went and got him because he didn't need to be there. His sister would come with us to counseling--wouldn't ask, just show up and then would take over in session like she was his wife!!! This is when I relinquished my care and control over his diease. He and I can talk about a [plan but as soon as he meets with his family our decision, our decision as husband and wife- is overruled by his sister and dad. When we seperated, he went to stay with his father. When we got back together his father wanted to have a vow renewal ceramony and then hugged me sooo tight saying how happy he is that we are back and how scared he was when we seperated--what does that tell ya?? The only reason for the treatment he got was because of me- I went to every appointment so I could "help him talk and piece together info" when I couldn't go, he would say he went but I would later find out he didn't. He lies to me about communicating with his family. I am to the point now, that I think they have a conspiracy againest me-- that is how this situation has gotten out of control. His mother said vicicious vicious things about me to his family- to my face she would say how thankful she was I was in his life- then would turn around and say she was going to rescue him from a wife who doesn't love him and has made him the way he is!! He would lie to me about talking to them because"you will get upset and I can't handle the constant tension". The more i write the more I realize that I have scars so deep that I don't believe I will ever not get over. I look at him as a child- I believe I have mourned, I am now stuck- I am afraid of what it will do to my boys, I am afraid their father will leave them and they will blame me. I am afraid of having to deal with reality that I will have to bury him. I have so much anger and resentment. I look back to when we married and I don't recognize that girl. I defended him- and when his mother did what she did do you think he stood up for me! Not once- in fact, he has never defended me. I am broken. I dream of love and trully knowing what it is and how it feels. I dream of being so happy with someone that I don't want to leave my house. I dream of hearing laughter and not laughing to mask the unbearable sence of saddness and hopelessness that exists in our house. I dream of my boys going to bed every night with the security that mom is happy and not sad with the man down in the basement. Thanks for reading. |
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damselndistress  Posts: 13407
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Wow, I kind of know what you're going through. Thank goodness my husband isn't always in that place or I wouldn't be able to handle it. It seems obvious that he had a plan when he met you and that he is depending on you to take care of him. I'm sorry that you are in this situation and I think you'll just have to follow your heart and do what will be best for you and your kids. It's so unfair that they put us in this kind of a position. You know people get divorced for reasons much less than all of this. Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 10/26/2007 14:15 4 more days of school-yipee! |
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jlh1956 Posts: 396
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My heart goes out to you - your life sounds exactly like what my mom went through with her marriage to my dad. His family would lie to other people about her and then act nice to her face. That is so atrocious when you are just trying to survive in the marriage. She finally had to leave him, but she waited until after I got married. I think she was afraid she couldn't support 2 kids without him, but I didn't care -I would have rather lived in a 1 room shack than spent 1 more day with him. He would never see a dr, always blamed her for everything, never held himself accountable for anything. Made our lives pretty hellish, and now I am considering seeking therapy for post traumatic stress disorder because I don't want to live the rest of my life trying to come to terms with the way he treated me all by myself. I have been married to the same wonderful man for 30 years. We have 3 beautiful children and life is good. Life isn't supposed to hurt. It doesn't have to be that way - just know that. Good luck to you and I wish you well. |
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mommaj Posts: 15
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I'm sorry! I know how you feel. It's funny how you think your alone in this and then you hear other people's stories and it's like your writing the story. My husband has had two suicide attempts in the past year and several plans. And yes he had attempts as well in his early twenties before I met him. I feel sad and right now he's o.k. Taking his meds,accepting his illness, and staying sober. But It's been a very scary cycle and I want to beleive he will get better. I don't want to lose faith. So I understand and I hope we both find the happiness that we deserve. take care. |
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Laur Posts: 74
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Hi Chico- You are living the same sorrow as me. If it weren't for people (like my adult children from prev marriage, who grew up in the house with him) my husband would have me thinking I am crazy. Our own daughter says she can't stand him. He is sneaky, drunk most weekends, obsessive compulsive about so many things I feel like I'm in a rerun of the Odd Couple from the 70's. He refuses to believe the dr. or try meds. I am to the point I think if we stay married we might lose our home and I might lose my health from stress. When we met 22 yrs ago he seemed really shy but other than that, OK. He had this room in his house that he never had the door open. I said what's in here? He said NO DON'T!! But I already had the door open. There were THOUSANDS of newapapers stacked neatly in rows about 3 feet high FILLING THE WHOLE ROOM! I realize now I should have run FAST, but I was clueless, 24 yrs old, with 2 kids, and divorced from a real mean SOB, and he was SO NICE, I just put up with the oddities. (The next time I went over to his house a couple weeks later that room was EMPTY.) So what , he's a packrat, there are a lot of them out there. As the old saying goes, if I only knew THEN what I know NOW. Now he is like living with a spoiled toddler. Silly here yelling there. Everybody is wrong, he is perfect. His collections and crap can be stacked up to the rafters , but if somebody else has a shoe left lying around you would think it's the end of the world. I am so sick of the drama. No normalcy, and I really need some! ANyway, you are not alone. I think you must do what is best for yourself and your children. Take care. ((((HUG)))) Laur |
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