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Bipolar Community Bipolar Support Forums General & Support I've upset my partner during a cycle of depression
 

I've upset my partner during a cycle of depression


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06/22/2008 07:20
celli22
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 My partner gets severely depressed and worries that his mother worries as well. We've only been dating about 2 months and its long distance (we met on the internet); however, things have moved very rapidly and he often tells me how much he loves me. His latest depression has his therapist worried so she asked to speak to his mother (he's 25). His therapist did at his approval and asked her to come to a meeting between the three of them. He was so mad because he felt that his therapist had upset his mother. I haven't dealt with bipolar ever before now. I have lots of questions and bought a few books; however, my partner complains that the books don't help because every individual case is different. He's been depressed for a few weeks, but he has good nights or good afternoons when we laugh and talk like the real him. I called his mother to let her know that he was doing fine and that he talks to me and that I would tell her if there was anything to worry about and asked her how long this cycle usually lasts (he lives in his parents basement). I told him last night and it really sent him off the deep end. He says he doesn't know what love is so he can't love me and that I should run far away. He told me to lose his numbers and that he doesn't want to talk to me. I want to make sure he's ok and safe, but he told me that if I call his mother again to check I should never call him again. I thought I was doing what was the best thing to do to help him, and don't know if I'm allowed to call his mother again to see if he's ok. Please help me; I'm so upset that I've done this.
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06/22/2008 07:30
zinnia
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 it sounds like he feels like you invaded his privacy. when you're bp, it often feels like you're under the microscope. everyone is concerned about how you're feeling, if you're taking your meds, etc. it sounds like you had the beginnings of a good relationship with this man. perhaps you could email him (as i understand you, he won't accept your calls) and acknowledge what you did (invaded his privacy), apologize without any conditions and tell him that you respect him and will refrain from doing anything like this in the future.

i don't know how he's feeling so this is all just a guess, but it's worth a try.

good luck and peace.

zinnia

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...

"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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06/22/2008 08:20
norma
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 If he lives in his parents basement sounds like his parents are his care-givers. Unless he asks you to take part in his care I would back off.

Your calling his mother and trying to become a caregiver without his asking is presumptious. He is getting help and on meds. He is trying to manage his bipolar on his own. I have a son that age who was diagnosed at 14 yrs. He would feel it was an invasion of his privacy if a girl did that to him. I asked him. He also said to tell you that if you back off things might get better. But, it would be a good idea not to call this guys mother unless the guy asked you to do it.

"In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan





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06/22/2008 11:27
lobo
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 Hey, sounds like a challenging situation for sure. Many handicapped people want to be treated just like eveyone else and not stand out. Most or many of us BPs feel the same way. It also sounds like everyone is talking about him and not talking to him directly which is dehumanizing, "Hello, I'm right here". Right now it sounds like lots of people are focused and drilling down on his disorder and I respect him that he's setting boundaries...that's a good thing. By him setting boundaries with you is actually a positive sign because if he didn't care he would cut you off completely, but it sounds like he's still receptive if he said if you talk to his mom he won't talk to you again. We will also test someone's resiliance and acceptance of us so you could be getting a little testing right now as well as him seeing if you'll respect his boundaries.

Best wishes.

Post edited by: lobo, at: 06/22/2008 11:30

"A man is not defeated when he loses, he is defeated when he quits" Richard M. Nixon

"If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on earth" Abraham Lincoln
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