MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
06/11/2009 07:35 PM

Why do bipolars run from ones they love?(page 78)

sky
sky  
Posts: 270
Member

Hello - It has been quite a while since I've posted. This running from the ones you love subject keeps coming back 'home'. It has been over a year since I divorced my husband. We have now been back together & dating quite a few months. However, both of us prefer this new relationship. It works for us.

When he is 'not himself' and prefers days of total isolation it has almost no effect on me. When we were married I couldn't take that lonliness. Now, we have new lives that include each other but, for me, so much more time and energy is devoted to myself.

Here is a strange thing... I have had a couple dreams about him, and then I find out something has happened. For instance, last week I dreamed I was staring at the back of someone. The hair was short and salt and pepper gray. I kept nudging him to turn around so I could see who it was. He refused to turn around.

When I woke up I was a little sad. I knew it was my ex and I thought to myself that the dream was about him never wanting to show me his true self.

And it bothered me that he seemed so old and frail in the dream.

The next day, he called me and told me that he had spent the day before in the hospital. He had had such bad chest pains he drove himself to the ER.

I asked him why he didn't call me when he was there, I would have gone over to be with him. He told me he had listed me as the emergency contact and that was good enough.

He also does not take care of himself. He has not followed up with a cardiologist like the er suggested.

--- The discussion has been locked ---


06/17/2009 03:26 AM
trying2cope

Hi I'm new here and have been reading this thread and haven't quite gotten through it all yet. But, what is emerging for me as I read all of your posts is a pattern from your s/o with BP. They all seem to shut down and disassociate in some manner and hurt their partners emotionally. I am going though the exact same thing. I have no one to talk too and joined this forum for support and to learn more from the experience of others. I've been with my boyfriend for 9yrs. and he's bipolar - he had a bad episode about a 1 1/2 yr ago and broke up with me after putting me through so much pain. We had such a wonderful relationship and then everything became a problem. Even if it wasn't a problem, he created one and if he couldn't get the reaction he wanted - then he'd bring something up from years prior and tell me he wasn't over it. The worst was the silence and him leaving me. It started out as 1-2 days, than a few days, a week and then a month or longer. He wouldn't answer his phone and shut me out of his life. I cried all the time and hurt till I became physically ill. I tried so hard, but he just totally stopped trying with me and convinced himself that it was better to leave me. In the middle of it all my Dad passed away and the loss of 2 people I loved was unbearable. I tried to repair my life and it was so hard I can't even describe it.

This was a man that was the most loving person I had ever met and cared about me more than I thought anyone could. But when he was down and sick, he was a totally different person. Irrational, hurtful and cold. After 1 1/2 years of being apart, he finally contacted me and told me how sorry he was for everything he ever did and said he never stopped loving me & couldn't enter into another relationship. He helped me heal and we got back together and I gave him a 2nd chance. Things were so good, for quite a while. We decided to focus on our relationship and spend more time together, b/c we wanted to move in together. We spent a beautiful week together on a mini-vacation and everything was great. If we had a misunderstanding we worked it out and I have to tell you he had changed so much. We have a long distance relationship, so when we got back from our vacation - he flew home. The next day, he disappeared on me. No explanation, just i'm sorry i made you worry and that was all. I don't know if he just became overwhelmed, couldn't handle his feelings or if I did something wrong. It's been 3wks since he talked to me and just shut me out and I have no idea why. He won't answer my calls and will only text me a few words here and there. He says he loves me, but he won't talk to me. So now, I'm back where I started and it hurts so damn much. I try so hard and I'm so supportive, but I need support myself and I am so drained.

He's a good man, but his behavior is killing me emotionally. I don't know if this is manipulation, some kind of control or if he just can't help it. They have to know they're hurting the person they love. Is it really that hard to pick up a phone or return a message? I try not to cry or show him that he's hurting me, but it's hard when the person you love won't even talk to you and after awhile I just break down. I try to leave him alone and let him work it out, but what if they need 8 months - do u give them that too while your heart is breaking?? It's hard to know if this behavior is intentional or part of the illness and I hope someone can shed some light on it for me.

--- The discussion has been locked ---


06/17/2009 05:21 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Dear Tryingtocope,

I think the question is not why he is doing the things he does, but rather why are you accepting this behavior from him? If the excuse is that he has bipolar disorder and he can't help himself, that is not a good enough reason.

Those of us with bipolar disorder have to live in society. If we chose to be hurtful to those we love we should expect that those people would react accordingly. Being responsible for our actions is what keeps us healthy.

People making excuses by labeling behaviors as bipolar are enabling the bad behaviors. A better way may be to make the person accountable for the behaviors.

And here is the important part...if you are in a relationship with someone and they are continually rejecting you, examing your motives. You might be the one who needs professional help for staying in a relationship that is unhealthy.

The title of this discussion "Why do bipolars run from the ones they love?" (By the way folks, not all of us bipolars (Gosh, I hate that lumping us all in the same category BullS) run.)

My answer: They run because you will give chase. Just let them run.

I wish the best for you and hope you find peace.

Post edited by: norma, at: 06/17/2009 05:31 AM

Post edited by: norma, at: 06/17/2009 05:33 AM

--- The discussion has been locked ---


06/17/2009 10:41 AM
buhlir926
buhlir926  
Posts: 257
Member

All:

Until you decide that you will not tolerate the types of behaviors that hurt so very much, you will continue to be hurt. One of the hardest things I ever did was to finally let go of my husband and move on with my life. Once done, it was like a huge weight had been taken off my back. As much as I loved the man, illness or not, I didn't love what he had been doing to me and to his children for so long. I finally decided, like Norma suggested, to stop putting up with the behavior. Bipolar disorder is a horrible illness, but it doesn't make a person run away, or cheat on their spouse, or file for divorce. That part unfortunately is the person making the decision to do it. While the decision itself may be made on flawed logic or foggy thinking, it wasn't the illness that made them do what they did.

To share what I have learned from my husband: I have recently learned that in 6th grade he started having racing thoughts. He began smoking pot soon after. The racing thoughts continued through high school and college getting progressively worse over time until they seemed to speed up when he entered his mid to late 30s. The hypomania became very noticeable when he reached 37 or 38. By that time his thoughts were constantly racing. He hid many of the other behaviors from me: the hypersexuality with online pornography (which only seemed to fuel it), the drug use (which had become much worse), the spending (around $20,000 in debt before he moved out eventually climbing to $40,000 in addition to a 13 month lease on a $1300 per mth apt with no furniture), the OCD collection behaviors, etc. I also started to see signs of depression after he was laid off from his job. What I also didn't know is that over time, my suggestion to work out at the local YMCA became an obsession, that was further fueled by an older divorcee with the hots for married younger men who also worked out at the Y. Eventually the online porn fueled the hypersexuality that led to an affair with the woman. The woman turned out to have borderline personality disorder and told him that medication wasn't necessary - that I wanted him medicated so that I could control him. Things sort of spiraled out of control from there.

It was my husband who made the decision to give up his family and his life for sex, drugs, partying and best of all no responsibility. for a short time in fantasyland where there wasn't anyone bugging him to take his meds or talk to his doc or to cut the grass - just fun, fun, fun, all of the time. Was he unwell at the time? Yes. Was he under the influence of a dangerous individual? Sure. Was he thinking longterm? Probably not. But, the bottom line is: He did what he did. When he decided that he wanted to get treatment I was there for him. I didn't clean up the mess he made, either. He did - all of it including calling off the divorce, getting rid of the apartment, the woman, paying down his debt and staying on meds. If I fixed it all for him again he would have learned nothing.

I have thought long and hard about the running away - he had a history of that as a teenager. We have talked about this over the last year and I think he was running from his diagnosis, the meds that he didn't like, but most of all the responsibility that he had at home as a husband and father. He told me that had been hiding so many bad things for so long and lying that he just couldn't do it anymore. Like he was living two lives. To him, feeding the hypomania felt so much better than accepting the diagnosis and taking the meds. That really was the bottom line. It was a sad, lonely time for him.

He is well aware that any return to those behaviors will result in my shutting him out for good. He doesn't doubt that I will do it because I did it before. As much as I love the man, I will not put myself or my kids through that again. I know he will be depressed sometimes or hypomanic and say things that are mean or that hurt, but it is just the illness talking. It is the conscious effort of doing things that changes the playing field. It isn't easy, believe me, I know that. But it is necessary. Walk away. Things that are meant to be, will be. Take heart in that.

--- The discussion has been locked ---


07/10/2009 01:06 PM
sheria
Posts: 25
Member

denise, I love that answer, made me smile, from an otherwise sleepless night-who knows? Whatever>>>>
--- The discussion has been locked ---


07/10/2009 01:11 PM
sheria
Posts: 25
Member

love your post, you sound so healthy, see,,,I am bp1, but I am not doing anything morally that I shouldn't do, why? Because I take my meds, make choices, get help if I'm screwed up, etc. I'm not boasting, but we do have free will and yes, we all learn from our mistakes, (hopefully)
--- The discussion has been locked ---


12/29/2009 11:00 AM
buhlir926
buhlir926  
Posts: 257
Member

Good for you Sheria. Stay well.
--- The discussion has been locked ---


12/29/2009 11:52 AM
cptblack
cptblack  
Posts: 12381
VIP Member

jlh1956:

Meds are a crutch? I see them more as like insulin for a diabetic: I need them to stay alive.

You might try that line of reasoning, even tho us BPs can be unreasonable to extremes.

Post edited by: cptblack, at: 12/29/2009 12:14 PM

--- The discussion has been locked ---


12/29/2009 01:04 PM
tinlizzy
Posts: 2378
Senior Member

Why does no one see that all these negative threads assuming that as BP persons we are incapable of being good spouses, parents, friends, valued members to society, successful in secular occupations, etc.. are sooo hurtful?

Suprise! Surprise! We can and often do bring happiness into other peoples lives. We contribute financially to our families, provide support to those in times of crisis.

We have real feelings! If our mistakes are thrown in our faces time after time it is difficult to see that we are loved or wanted. Wouldn't you want to leave a situation in which you are always the sick, problematic person even if you aren't actually making huge moral and or financial mistakes. Some BP people do do those things, many do not!

We are humans first, then parents, lovers, children. We have the need just as you for unconditional love without the assumption that because of our diagnosis we will automatically wreak havoc on your lives.

I am so tired of feeling the need to convince the general population, not to mention the people on the Bipolar support group I am a member of, that I am a good person worth knowing! That I deserve respect. I am very very tired of this horrible diagnosis and the stigma and the negative assumptions that go along with it.

Respectfully and with eyes full of tears

Liz

--- The discussion has been locked ---


12/29/2009 01:08 PM
HelpEr82
HelpEr82  
Posts: 1002
Senior Member

i think most people who are ignorant are bitter at their family members. im sorry liz. it does hurt. its not nice
--- The discussion has been locked ---


Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 78 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved