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09/28/2008 02:18 PM

Why do bipolars run from ones they love?(page 65)

Bluefins
Posts: 28
Member

Yes, basically. And honestly, I think he's dead right. It's funny, but the things you ruminate about but can't control can drastically affect your mood. It was men who became part of my main triggers for my manic episode last year. I focused my happiness on finding "the one" and only found out it was a huge delusion that caused a psychotic breakdown... funny, eh?

LOL.

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09/28/2008 04:12 PM
denise5691
denise5691Posts: 155
Member

I appreciate and understand what you are saying bluefins....but I simply don't know how to stop thinking about this person that i consider the love of my life that i just moved 3000 miles to be with. It went from wonderful for many months to a total blank in the course of a few days. I'm trying so hard to stay busy - and it does help - but this pain is something i simply don't know how to deal with. More than anything, i want to talk to him - but fear i will push him away further. I'm 43, so I have a decent amount of life under me, as we all do, and this is the #1 most painful thing I've ever been through. I'm not even crying so much the last few days - I simply feel numb...
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09/28/2008 05:41 PM
Bluefins
Posts: 28
Member

Denise -

It's almost always easier said than done. Honestly, I struggled with this problem for the past, I don't know, six years??? And look at me now, I'm still struggling! Yet, I've learned better STRATEGIES to cope with my pseudo-addiction to "love." Those strategies have helped me lead a fairly functional life (although I must say my life would be much more efficient if the problem has all together ceased, lol).

More important than strategies, is a will to stop thinking about this person. You definitely need to be willing to let go. In fact, if you put it in another perspective, perhaps in letting go you will gain MORE. He will respect you more because having a full life and your own piece of mind can remind him of your own inner worth. He will appreciate you more for the cognitive and mental space you give him because he knows your life is full of other important things and he's not at the center of it.

Sadly to say, but I do think there is a tendency to take people for granted. A lot of times men and women take each other for granted once they know that they've established a 'meta-territory.'

So perhaps: a. will b. strategy

Think about when you were really immersed in your life... what was it like? How did it feel not to think about loving someone but just yourself? Think about a time when you were open to the world and the immense possibilities to realize the potential within yourself.

Numbness is not good. Sorry, but it's not good.

It's a very dangerous sign about the future of your relationship with this guy.

So, for the relationship's future's sake or for your own sake, stop thinking about him!

If you want to talk to him that badly, TELL HIM. If he truly respects who you are, he will respond. How he responds is up to him, but at least you're not sitting around wondering how numb you're feeling, right? You've done SOMETHING about the situation. Smile

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09/28/2008 08:28 PM
denise5691
denise5691Posts: 155
Member

Everything you say makes sense bluefins and in fact is probably what I would tell a friend of mine going through the same thing... Thank you for shaking a bit of sense into me! Anyone that reads this since I started posting a couple weeks ago must think I'm pathetic - but surely we've all been there.

One of the many reasons he fell in love with me was because he felt I was the strongest woman he'd ever met and I know the last few weeks, I haven't been acting like that. I don't like it and it surely can't be very appealing - bipolar or no bipolar.

Numb was probably a bit of a strong word for me to use. No, I'm def not numb and in fact when I went out last night was actually laughing at the movie - just when I allow myself to start dwelling on this, I feel like I'm getting kicked in the stomach once again.

You are right, I truly must find a way to let go and allow time and God to work on both my b/f and me....and time will tell what is to be. I guess I have to realize in letting go doesn't mean I stop loving or having hope - but perhaps find a way to compartmentalize that stuff...

I haven't called because a mutual friend of ours told me that I really have to respect his wish for space right now and give it some time. This friend feels like after a few weeks (and this mutual friend having a big influence on him getting back on his meds) that things may very well be back on track. We shall see...but the fact of the matter, this friend has never been wrong about my b/f's actions or reactions.... They're very close.

Thank you bluefins - how much do I owe you ?

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09/28/2008 09:08 PM
Bluefins
Posts: 28
Member

Denise,

You don't owe me anything, yet, lol. Smile I think one point you made was rather important:

"....in letting go doesn't mean I stop loving or having hope - but perhaps find a way to compartmentalize that stuff..."

Perhaps he'll feel more at peace with you and you with yourself once you regain the inner strength of that strong woman that's inside you. The peace will allow him to breathe and utilize his rationality to figure out how to sort through his life and, perhaps, a life with you.

It will be your inner strength and will to let go, your wisdom in knowing what you can do and can't, and your unshakable will to see things through that will allow both of your to flourish in the future.

Remember the popular phrase: "God please give me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can't" (something along those lines)... "and the wisdom to know the difference."

Compartmentalization is an important life skill. It's about mentally deciding to use your wisdom against the tides of your emotions. Smile

I'm very glad you think letting go is helpful to you. Trust me, you will feel so much better. You will smile more, laugh more, and live more - for yourself, most importantly.

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09/28/2008 10:35 PM
amandarae
amandarae  
Posts: 27
Member

I have issues with isolation and staying away from my loved ones. Can anyone give me any advice on breaking that barrier.
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09/29/2008 04:03 AM
Bluefins
Posts: 28
Member

Amandarae,

Welcome to the group! Smile I actually went through and looked at some of your other posts. So, here's my take on it:

A. I'm glad you've joined a bipolar support group! Speaking up and sharing your experiences with them will help you better find out the cause of your isolation and understand better on how to deal with BP.

B. Perhaps you can tell us the reason you're staying away from your loved ones? You have a 2 year old son and a boyfriend, correct? How you thought about asking whether your boyfriend would be interested in going to one session of BP support with you?

c. Anxiety and agitation is a common BP symptom. How you tried various stress relieving activities? What do you do when you're stressed? Why did your doc take you off your sleep meds?

A lot of BP at first is figuring out what you triggers are, understanding that you're fighting an illness and not yourself, allowing the people around you to adjust to your new diagnosis, developing a game plan with them about how to deal with certain problems, and also being very clear while communicating with others about what you need or don't need.

Typically, isolation is a self-protective mechanism. If you find it hard to talk to them face to face, how about emailing them and expressing how you feel (+remind them you love them)? SHOW them your love like cooking or buying a new shirt or toy or something when you find it hard to talk, things of that nature.

Of course, most of communication is non-verbal.

You will still communicate your love even though you need time on your own.

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09/29/2008 05:54 AM
carol316
 
Posts: 36
Member

My husband does, but it doesn't last very long. He has done everything under the sun (except cheating that I know of) that would be deal breakers for most people. I have not always been tolerant, but have always stayed. After years of this I find myself at a crossroad trying to determine if I can spend the rest of my days this way or have to walk away in an effort to salvage some peace. My husband won't address his BP except with alcohol. Counseling and a good support system is critical.
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09/29/2008 11:06 AM
Bluefins
Posts: 28
Member

Carol,

It sounds like you're still deciding what to do in your situation; do what you think will make you happier. Smile

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09/29/2008 12:05 PM
Bluefins
Posts: 28
Member

Another important thing to consider, Carol, is the potential future implications of your decision. I don't have a great understanding of the relationship between you and your husband or what it's like everyday for you. Perhaps it might help to think about how he would react if you left, assess his willingness to change, and then figure out what's best for both of you.

If he is the type that does want to change then there's nothing you can do about it. You can't change anyone, as you already know. Smile They change themselves in response to the environment.

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