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12/20/2009 01:46 PM

hurting so much- need advice re upsetting thoughts(page 2)

GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

My name is Sarah. I'm going to call my doctor first thing on Monday. I have also talked to my parents and my dad says he may be able to bring me in.

So I will see him soon. Maybe he will have some advice. I am still struggling but determined to get through it.

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12/20/2009 02:32 PM
Dit
Dit  
Posts: 13730
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

You've had a lot of productive caring feedback, not sure what else to recommend to you but one thing that comes to me is that you are a member here at the bipolar forum and we are all here willing to help. Glad to see you posting and remember, once your meds get in order, all this will pass and always remember, the depression does go away. My heart goes out to you, sending "get well" wishing your way (((Hugs)))

12/20/2009 03:08 PM
BipolarSurvivor
BipolarSurvivor  
Posts: 16
Member

Hi, GreenChick,

My name is Michele and I am new here, but not new to the thoughts and feelings you expressed. You've already gotten such good advice that I really don't think I can add to, but I just wanted you to know I support you and have been where you are now. I can promise you that it does get better on the other side of this - I tried to kill myself 5 times, but for the grace of a loving God I wouldn't be here. And now my life is so happy, and I have been stable for a long time. So how do you cope with those suicidal thoughts? I talk to them (no, I'm not crazy), and say things like, "This too shall pass," or "I know you're just a bipolar thought, an irrational thought, and even though I can't help thinking this, I know it's not real." Things like that. And I agree with everyone about talking to someone - fear loses its power when it's spoken. I'm living proof that it IS possible to get through the suicidal thoughts. You can, too. If you need to talk, email me at bpsurvivor@gmail.com.

Blessings and prayers for you,

Michele


12/20/2009 04:09 PM
Pyxie
 
Posts: 53
Member

Green, I am currently right where you are. It is very scary to have those type of thoughts...I think instead of suicide we just want the horrible pain to end. To get out of the blackness we are always in and keep falling deeper into. Like the other good folks on this board said, you need to get in on an emergency appointment or if he has an emergency number call him or have him paged. I HATE HATE HATE this time of year. AND New Years. Do you have family around you that can take you for an emergency visit? You can always email me (and the rest of you guys) at dalisnightmare@hotmail.com. Big hugs to you. Keep talking to us, we want you here!! Smile

12/20/2009 05:21 PM
Jillannfloyd
 
Posts: 17
Member

The fact that you are having suicidal thoughts is of great concern to me. The holidays are a very high risk time for suicide. What exactly do you mean when you refer to suicidal thoughts? Do you have family or friends from whom you can get support right now? I highly encourage you to call a suicide hot line asap or to go to a hospital to be evaluated for possible admission. Any time anyone mentions suicide it is to be taken very seriously. I am retired from the field so I am not just spouting off. Please take care of yourself. Everyone is important in this world.

Jill


12/21/2009 04:22 AM
GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

My suicidal thoughts were very strong over the past week, to the point where i actually had a noose around my neck at one point. The phone rang and I decided to answer it. I was not completely committed to suicide at that point- I think I would have chosen to struggle out of it at the last minute.

However, although the depression has gotten worse, the obsessive suicidal thoughts have faded a little. I am sure they will be a struggle to overcome in the next few days, but I want to stay out of the hospital for Christmas, also I think the problem is the Geodon and I want to give it time to work.

I had a dream the other night that my best friend had died, and it was the most horrible and vividly realistic dream of my life. Unlike most dreams that end when I something bad happens, this one went on and on and I felt such agony and grief that you can't imagine. I woke up sobbing and immediately called my best friend, telling her over and over again how much I loved her. She told me that that is the way she would feel if I killed myself- and I realized I must not give in, under any circumstances.

I think that dream came from God.

I am hanging in there, but will continue to check in on this thread throughout the day. I am in a great deal of pain- this morning I was rocking back and forth on the bed sobbing, for no good reason. It comes and goes in intensity but is really bad.

Please keep me in your thoughts.

Edit; It turns out that I can't go and see my counselor tomorrow, I have no ride. I don't know how I'm going to get through this, it is so hard. I want to die. I know I have to fight those feelings, but they are so hard to fight. Thank god my friend is coming over today.

Post edited by: GreenChick43, at: 12/21/2009 04:54 AM


12/21/2009 03:56 PM
churry
churry  
Posts: 15
Member

Do you have a crisis line you can call? I have one where I attend counseling and sometimes it is just good to have someone listen.

If you are suicidal, get to a hospital soon. They can tweak your meds, counsel you and possibly save your life.

It wasn't more than a month ago that I was in your shoes. I know, or at least have an idea, of what you are going thru. I ended up in the hospital and felt sooo much better after I got there. I knew i was with caring professionals and they would do what was best for me.

You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things turn around for you soon. We are all in this together.


12/21/2009 04:16 PM
YorkieLove
YorkieLove  
Posts: 7033
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

If you are having any kind of suicidal thoughts, you should get help right away. All it takes is one unguarded moment of agony to act on the impulse to harm yourself. I know, because I attempted in April of this year in an especially bad moment.

Can't your friend give you a ride to the appt?


12/21/2009 04:31 PM
GreenChick43
Posts: 53
Member

Good news, was able to get a ride. I have spent much of the day on the phone to different people, talking, and they have really helped me keep my mind of things. The night will be harder.

Yes, I am worried- you are right, it only takes one unguarded moment- but I really can't bear going in the hospital on Christmas- if I did, my mother, who I depend on for many things, would absolutely kill me. I'd never hear the end of it, she'd take it out on me all year. I am expected to be there and to be normal or there will be hell to pay. It is easier not to deal with that. Some how, I wll have to get through this until after New Years.


12/24/2009 08:03 PM
Jillannfloyd
 
Posts: 17
Member

I think you should worry about your own wellbeing right now and not your mother's reaction. From your previous post about the noose around your neck that tells me you had a concrete suicide plan. Whether or not you actually went through with it does not matter. To go as far as putting a noose around your neck constitutes a danger to self to me. Please consider yourself. Perhaps wanting to please your mother before yourself has something to do with your current situation above and beyond the Bipolar. I will have you in my thoughts. Please be safe! Jill
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