worrying or not minding my own business

I know so many people believe, as do I, that sometimes someone has to crash and burn before they admit to a problem and get help.

My ex and I got divorced in January, he moved out in March. He is in total denial about his bipolar diagnosis, and many many issues pertaining to his behaviors and mood swings are what led up to the divorce (are in my previous posts), but I still really care about him.

He is the father of my child.

He has been my friend for 22 years.

It has been very rough watching him turn into an alcoholic, and it was too hard detatching from his mean moods and rages. Now that he is out of the house and I am not surrounded by it, I DO feel a lot better.

Anyway, he has learned he has a benign tumor in his head, that must be removed, because it can give him an absess on his brain and destroy his hearing.

What do you think happened when he found this out?

He went on an even worse manic spending spree than he has ever been on. I am just the opposite. I would have been trying to pay my bills ahead so I didn't have to worry about things when I was out of it for (who knows how long) after the surgery. In the past 2 months, he has spent approx. twenty two THOUSAND dollars, much of it stuff he doesn't even need. For instance, he had a perfectly good 50 something inch tv that is only 5 yrs old, he bought a gigantic plasma flat screen tv that has to costs a couple thousand dollars. So he stuffed the other tv in his garage, with his other massive piles of things.

It has also caused his drinking to escalate. He even comes over here with beer when he wanted to swim in the pool, drank a six pack in an hour&1/2, and was then going to drive himself home. So I told him to watch tv with our daughter for a while, so he did.

I know for a fact he will downplay how much he drinks to the surgeon when he goes next week, and I worry that may have an effect on the outcome of his surgery.

I know I am divorced and what he does is his business, BUT, I am worried about his health and also what our daughter thinks with his drinking and crazy spending and over the top moods lately.

And everyone is telling me he is going to lose the place he bought and be begging me to take him back when he has nowhere else to go, and all his credit cards are maxed out, and he probably declares bankruptsy again if that is possible.

And, I still care about him and don't want anything really bad to happen to him.

With that said I want you to know that their really isn't much you can do about your ex-husband. As hard as it is to see you need to realize that he is making these desions on his own.

I am BP and a recovering alchohlic for 12 yrs. When I was drinking and unmedicated I was not the rational person around.

Your exs drinking is completly his problem. I'm not saying not to be concered,because that would be rediciouls. I am saying you really need to live your own life with your child and let him live his. I really don't mean to sound so harsh, but it is reality. Sky he is a grown up let him take responsiblity for his own behavior. Take it easy...Jeanne

I don't know if you are going to be able to stop the really bad things from happening to him. Sounds like what you are tempted to do is pick up the pieces if he begs to come back.

We can advise till we are blue in the face but, you have do do what you think is best for you.

We are here for you...

I tend to be a worry freak, and I think of things like him drinking and driving while he has our daughter in the car. She does know better, but I can totally picture her getting him to drive her to the mall or the movies or to a friends house even if he drank so much he shouldn't. Stuff like this is popping into my head, even though it probably isn't even happening...like I said...I can be a real worry freak.

So I am trying to keep busy while she is visiting him for the weekend.

I would NOT let him move back in......good luck.

Also- I did express to my lawyer the concern I have about his

drinking with the visitation and she said basically because our

daughter is 13, and has access to the phone, the courts do not

rule on this. She told me to make sure I tell her to call me if

she needs me to pick her up 'early' for any reason.

I have already made up my mind a while ago that I am not going

to let him move back in if he crashes.

Norma, I told my kids, next summer we'll try to go somewhere!!!

Still trying to get my roof fixed from that horrible storm in May,

after that, some vacation planning

Post edited by: sky, at: 06/14/2008 19:33

You are doing a great job of adapting...and have come a long way in the past few months.

{{{HUGS}}}}

One thing I didn't glean from your posts is who filed for the divorce (and you don't have to share that)? It may seem or be totally unrelated, but if you did the filing and the leaving sometimes there can be some residual guilt and it's easy for us to blame ourselves if something happened to the ex spouse. If he ever did get into an accident or worse, it's easy to start that self-talk that says if only I hadn't of divorced him/her this wouldn't have happened. If he was the one that filed and left, then it's usually tougher being the one left behind and rejected and sometimes we'll hang on to them trying to self heal our wound.

I hope you feel better and get the peace you need.

I was the one who filed when things came to the point I felt my own

health was compromised (lots of stress related illnesses out there)

For instance, whenever he was caught at something redhanded, those were the only times he would agree to go to counselling, or a doctor, for a little bit of time until he felt he 'did enough' and then I wonder if I had been tougher back then and said ,"no keep going or move out!" he might have. On the other hand, we might have gotten divorced a long time ago, rather than this year.

The past is the past and I have to focus more on the future.