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06/12/2008 07:31 AM

the line of saving meand supporting BP loved one(page 2)

bfosterl
 
Posts: 28
Member

I feel so guilty for not going to dinner with her. She knew that my plans were an excuse not to go. Feels like Im not that good of a friend since I avoided her due to her mania right now due to bp illiness. She has an illness. Sad It also makes me worry if/when she crashes she wont reach out to me for help. I know she needs to go to a dr. She quit her meds on her own and I have feeling it will be bad.. Sad

Post edited by: bfosterl, at: 06/12/2008 07:32

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06/12/2008 07:41 AM
bejeweled
bejeweled  
Posts: 1374
Senior Member

You have to let go. She has her own higher power to take care of her and it isn't you. There is a saying "Let go and let God." When people are in their illness and not taking there medications it really is not up to us. We don't have control over other adults and their choices. And it actually might help her (and empower you) if you didn't make up excuses why you are chosing not to be around her. I would tell her flat out, "I cannot be around you right now until you chose to take your medication. It makes me uncomfortable and I care too much about you to watch you self destruct." Every contact you have with her, say the same thing. She might stop calling you, but I doubt it. Yes, it is an illness, but as an adult that knows she has it, she is responsible for taking control of it.

06/12/2008 08:00 AM
bfosterl
 
Posts: 28
Member

if she doesnt believe she is sick would it be helpful to point out in a caring way I believe she is in a mania stage and Im worried. Will me pointing out her illiness just make things worst?

06/12/2008 08:12 AM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

What have you got to lose?

06/12/2008 08:21 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Bfoster...your trying to save her is starting to sound like you are having some issues with co-dependency...you might want to discuss this with your therapist. To be a caregiver to someone with bipolar they have to agree to want you to be a caregiver. Since you are in therapy yourself, it might be that you do not have the stability needed to give care to someone else. I would ask my therapist if this was an activity that I should be involved with at the moment. Your instinct in not going to dinner was probably a good one. Just don't play head games with her or yourself...hugs.

06/12/2008 09:41 AM
bfosterl
 
Posts: 28
Member

your right NOrma... Ive discovered that I do have a codependency on her being the caregiver. Im working on with my therapist. SHould I just be honest to my ex on why I didnt go to dinner.. It was to hard for me. I dont like lying and its not right. Its a big game.

06/12/2008 09:48 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

There you go!!!! Good for you...you are in touch with why you are doing it, and that is the beginning of getting healthy...(((hug)))) Now, learn how to say NO to your wanting to save someone else...your are on your way!!! Letting others make their own mistakes is part of letting go...and letting them accept the consequenses of their actions...

Try not to have strings attached to her...and keep pulling on them...cut them...It means you can be pleasant and friendly but, not tugging at strings.

Honesty is always the best way.

Post edited by: norma, at: 06/12/2008 09:51


06/22/2008 07:07 PM
sky
sky  
Posts: 270
Member

hi bfosterl- I am divorced from my unmedicated bp ex.

I used to tell him flat out why I didn't want to go

somewhere with him. His behavior, drinking, name calling, etc. whatever.

I know you said you've been friends for 6 yrs. My ex & I were friends for 22 years.

I feel like I don't have anyone in my life that I am as close to as I was to him. It is a loss.

But, I am finally finding myself, and have peace. The

emotional ups and downs and dramas are fading memories.

PLease take care of yourself first and foremost.

I discovered that I was in some low level state of depression for so long and didn't even realize it.

Finally doing fun things again like painting, going to baseball games, calling or emailing friends I havent been in touch with for a while.

It is very hard to let go and especially when you care for the person and don't want them to get hurt, but as

many people have pointed out to me, the ex is an adult and is making his/her own decisions, even if he/she regrets them later.

Try to find some other activities, especially where you might meet people. Check your local community colleges and see if they have any intersting or fun courses this summer or fall. Good luck Smile


06/25/2008 07:54 PM
bleedingluv
bleedingluv  
Posts: 30
Member

I can really relate to u and I'm sorry for your pain. I am trying, well actually I'm searching for answers but I am unsure what questions to even ask. What, in detail is a "crash"? When someone is rapid cycling, is there an end? If you really care for that person, but BP is getting the best of them, when do u know it is time for tough love? If I am strong and he is manic, why should I stay away? Is it because there is no getting through to a BP at times? If we are capable of forgiveness and understanding but feel we are taken advantage of, and at the same time feel compassion and sympathy and know this isn't their tru self, how do u stay away? Does forgiveness just give them an open door to keep taking? At what point in a relationship do u say, it will never change or, we'll get through it? Since loving a BP is at times so heartbreaking, where do u draw the line between symptoms of the disease and a hopeless relationship?

06/26/2008 05:07 AM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

A 'crash' is when the mania ends and the person, quite often, slips into depression.

If they are rapid cycling, they just crash and get back up quicker.

When do you know it's time for tough love? It's always time for tough love if they are in denial, untreated and/or non-med compliant.

When they are manic there is no rationalizing with them, for the most part.

At what point do you say it will never change? It will never change until they get treatment and are med compliant. If they are willing to do that, there is hope. If not, walk away.

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