Bipolar Support Group

I just got out of my therapy appointment, and I opened up about the severe depression-- I have 35 years of faking "normal" and even with the therapist I talk about my progress like it's happening to someone else.- I just don't see anything ever getting better- the suicidal thoughts are non stop. I am back at work and I can't stop the tears- I just want to throw myself in front of a bus- and wondering if 26 Klonopin would do the trick. My partner yelled at me yesterday saying" I can't take anymore of you right now. Buck up. This has to end you hve to snap out of it- I can't deal with you anymore" And I can't. I can't stop crying here- in my professional workplace- and I can't go home because she'll be mad that I can't pull myself together. I have no place to go. My therapist said again that she has to ask around to find someone who can deal with a lifetime of suppressed anger, despair and rage, stuff so unconscious that once it's conscious I can't stop the flood. I took two Klonopin and I still can't stop the panic and the crying. I literally have no place to go. My coping mechanisms, writing, deep breathing, even pills are not working, and I just want to kill myself. It's too much- I feel like hurting myself- I feel like my head is going to split open. Then I think- I can't leave work- I only have 22 hours in time off left and four weeks at the minimum of therapy twice a week and the psychiatrist every other week. I am truly stuck with NO OPTIONS! I can't even walk down the hall because I a a crying MESS It's embarrasing, which makes me rage that I am stuck in this situation in the 1st palce- the rest of the week was okay, now it all seems like sh*t. I just feel so violent toward s myself because I am a grand disppointment. And I still have no idea how I am going to make it through the next ten minutes. I can't go home- my partner will be furious- she said doesn't want to find me dead because last september she was with her grndmother when she died in hospiceand "do I really want her to find my dead body too" that's a good guilt trip don't you think. And I hate that a have a mental illness. Don't companies recycle defective products? Isn't this the same thing. Please tell me how to get through the next ten minutes.....

Honey, it might be time to think of going into the hospital for help. You are not a dissapointment and you are not a defective product. You have a chemical imbalance in the brain that you need some help dealing with...

Tell them you are thinking of hurting yourself...please do this for your self...go to the hospital or emergency room. Have them call your doctor from there.

JUST SLOW DOWN, BREATHE AND THINK OF ONLY YOU ,YOU ARE STRONG,, YOU ARE NEEDED ,YOU ARE IMPOTANT,, DO NOT LET ANYONE DO THIS DO YOU GO THE AHOSPITAL MAYBE YOU NEED A BREAK ,,HEY IAM HERE TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO,,I WILL DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with Norma.. you're going through something bigger than yourself and you don't need coping strategies, right now you need an intervention and a safe, calm place to start working towards being better.

Jet, take yourself to the hospital and do so now, they can help slow down that racing head of yours. sometimes we just have to have help to move beyond there, and thinking about hurting yourself is one of those times, your not defective, your not worthless and you are not alone.. you have people here who understand, I beg you get help and get it now.

Jet, it's all chemical honey and has nothing to do with who you are or who anyone else thinks you are. When it's chemical you don't have control and it's not your fault. On my worst day my truck broke down in the middle of a suicidal thot epic and that almost pushed me over the edge. I carry a handgun in my truck and I had to leave the truck and walk off because the compulsion was to end the pain and it almost got me. That was the most scared I have ever been. I ran to my psychiatrist and he addressed the chemical stuff and got me on an even keel. Please get help because you can't help it...especially by yourself.

Just checked her posts and it doesn't look like she's posted all day...anyone know how she's doing??

Post edited by: lobo, at: 06/06/2008 21:10

I am okay. I called the EAP councelor to recommend a hospital- and got a really crabby guy who made the whole process sound like a nightmare and talked me out of going. Took two Klonopin and cried all the way home in a cab. My partner (woh is very supportive by the way when I am bad off) held me while I cried for an hour until the Klonopin kicked in, cleaned me up, took me to may favorite burger joint, and a huge shopping spree- did I mention I am a shopaholic? So we talked about what really happed in my therapy seesion and how I left broken and "shrunken dialed"- that our new phrase- like drunken dialing, but after see a shrink- LOL My shrink told me that she thinks I need to see someone with experience in "repressed" or "body ingrained" emotional patterrns- 2nd time she said maybe she's not qualified to help me- so I of course freaked that "something must really be wrong with me. okay today. Crazy mood swings. I still have another 3 weeks until the lamictal kicks in and my emotions are all over the place. I think two therapy sessions a week is too intense right now- so going back to one- at the end of the day- so I can just go home and cry instead of being "trapped" in my office. Sorry I scared everyone.

Glad you got back with us Jet...I was worried....sounds like you have a plan for your next few weeks...we are here for you when you need us.

Jet, who is a EAP counselor? what function do they provide? if this person has a boss, I would report them, they are suppose to be there to help you are they not? talking you out of going to the hospital when you feel you need to is bullshit and not to be tolerated, I am glad you are feeling better, but remember you have the right to proper treatment

I'm with carmen, Employee Assistance Program (EAP) reps should not be diagnosing and should only be facilitating your needs.

And, I ALWAYS advocate for people to listen to their therapists so listen to her and find another if she feel unqualified to really help you. It's like when a woman or man tells you, "I ain't good enough for you"...believe them. I know it's traumatic changing therapists, but ask her for a referral to someone she knows.

I'm glad you're okay for now.