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11/13/2012 05:07 PM

I am so lonely. So depressed. I need a friend.

McKenna
McKenna  
Posts: 24
Member

I don't know where to start. For YEARS I have been dealing with this illness, but only now have I been diagnosed. Since I was a child I saw and heard terrible things, went into powerful mood swings and cried a lot. I broke things, threw things, screamed and injured myself. I once got into a verbal fight with my N mother because I came home and my stuff was strewn about the lawn because it tickled her fancy...I couldn't get in to get my stuff so I kicked the window open...WTH does that? Needless to say my foot was a bloody meaty mess. At anytime of day (especially at night though), I'd be so terrified of the things I saw that I'd crawl in the corner and rock until I feel asleep. In my mind I had many friends, and as well as enemies.

I'd hear several conversations throughout the day. I told my grandmother about all this and all she'd do is ignore me. A few times she dragged me to church while the pastor yelled at my "demons" to come out. Of course, after that I was even more traumatized. For years I just prayed and developed my own coping mechanisms. I became active in sports, dance,acting and much more, not only because I loved it,but because it was a distraction. As I got older, I somehow managed to drown out the voices most of the time. I don't hear the running commentary or conversations much. I'd even hear a man telling me about his day. It drove me crazy sometimes, and sometimes I would just listen to him, lol. I'm 30 now and while things aren't nearly as horrifying as they were, I still hear and see things when I'm psychotic. I lie still for hours. I get manic. My obsessive thoughts keep me up for hours, even days. I still fly into rages and cry for no reason. At night I'm terrified that someone or something is out to get me. I don't sleep cuz I'm in the corner on the floor waiting for that "thing" to come. I have fears that my dress form and wig stand will come alive. I long for the day because it's easier to handle. I just get so scared.

The worst manic episode I ever had was when in my second year of college I was finally free from my controlling N mother. I went on a week long spending/drinking/partying/drug binge. Although the only drug I've tried is weed. I spent the whole time raving and literally floating from party to party. I felt good, I was sexy and extremely intelligent,I was wild and untamed and crazy. I never slept and was always on. I was one with the music and everything around me. I made out and fondled men and women. I had plenty of sex! I was high and a high roller. I spent all my rent, utilities and grocery money! My room mate found me wandering nearby our building babbling about how I was made of earth and was going to invent a food that would never spoil (think never-ending gobbstopper, lol) and that Madame Curie was funding my endeavors. I told her that I was apart of every living being and how God gave the gift to touch the world and how the colors were so vivid.

The most frightening episode (I've labeled "The Fear"Wink I had was last year in October. It started at night. My thoughts were racing, and I was terrified that someone or something was coming for me. I closed all the shades and windows so "they" wouldn't come in. I was terrified to even use the bathroom. I peed in a cup. I covered the mirrors with tape so "they wouldn't come in". I was TERRIFIED. I just knew that inanimate objects (like my wig stand)were gonna come alive and "get" me. I had all the lights on and the TV. I couldn't sleep. I was wired and scared. I started off on my bed in the corner. I ended up on the floor in the corner with a butcher-knife. This went on for three days straight. No sleep,food, bath, nothing. Just me in the corner with a knife for protection. My S/O was out of town so I was alone. I'm not sure if that was a mania or a mix of psych/mania/depression although I WAS depressed at that time too.

[Post edited by Liamacker as per T&C's] No one would miss me because I'm not needed. I live in mental despair daily. I've expressed my [Post edited by Liamacker as per T&C's]feelings to everyone so they'd take me to a hospital but they brush it off. If anyone is wondering why I waited so long--lack of insurance, for one. The other reason is that I got so used to no one else caring, I just learned not to care. I found a Psych through LA County (job loss) and while she's sweet enough...she's overworked and just wants to give me meds. I told the closest family members and fiancee of my feelings and recent diagnosis, and no one seems to care. My mother didn't want to hear the symptoms or what I'd learned-instead she threw scriptures at me. My aunt just shrugged and suggested that this was the manifestations of all my bad choices and that all I wanted was attention. Isn't that strange? I mean I feel so alone, and that I will have to deal with this alone for the rest of my life. I don't pester anyone with this, I mean no one visits me or calls so it's not like I am or will be a burden. I mean family isn't supposed to give a damn? I love them and would do anything for them and have done so much for my family without prompting, I am there for them at the drop of a hat, but now I've never felt so alone. Why would they do this to me? I have no friends but I am a warm, giving, and loyal person. I'm so lonely. I can't stop crying. I'm angry. I'm mentally exhausted. My apologies for rambling but I had to get it all out. Please somebody tell me I'm going to be ok. I need a friend. I am truly dying inside. My mind aches. I notice that when I respond to BP folks needing a friend, no one ever writes back. What's wrong with me? I am good at acting happy so I won't bother anyone...Oh God...

Post edited by: liamacker, at: 12/13/2012 06:28 AM

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11/13/2012 05:43 PM
lblauser
lblauser  
Posts: 462
Member

McKenna, You don't have to act happy...we love you for just who you are. I'm not a group leader or a senior member, so I'm not sure what to write. I just feel so awful about what you've been thru. Please don't cry. I'm sure you're going to be ok. And I most certainly will be your friend. I am bipolar, but have experienced nothing like you have. Please PM me...I want to keep in touch. Are you seeing a doctor..are you on any medications? Hang in there ... I'll be waitinng for a private message from you or post something...I'm worried about you. Lynnie

11/13/2012 06:06 PM
uncertainone
Posts: 754
Member

Hi McKenna,

Welcome to the group!!! I'm sure that you will find many many people here who can share a lot of the experiences you have gone through. I want you to know that you are not alone.

I think that it is good that you finally have a diagnosis. It explains a lot I bet. It is sometimes a difficult diagnosis to get. People (especially family members) don't want to believe it. Bipolar disorder is genetic (meaning that usually an immediate family member has it - Mom, Dad, Aunt, Uncle, Grandparent.)

I can tell you that when I had a severe episode, I was scared too. I could barely leave the house, not able to work, crying constantly. I can't even describe it enough. Just really horrible. But, I've gotten better!!! Now I don't have symptoms. (Slight insomnia that's about it.) There's no reason that the same can't happen for you.

I'd encourage you to get into counseling with a psychologist. If you have a psychiatrist, she should be able to refer you. Also really try to take care of your self. Eat good, exercise, sleep. They can really make a difference. Try and learn as much as you can about bipolar disorder. A really good website is psycheducation.org. It is run by a doctor and he really understands and is pretty current on what works and new ideas.

Also bipolarnews.org also has good updates.

Don't give up. You will be ok again!!! Really!!!!! Take care, Maria


11/13/2012 06:13 PM
McKenna
McKenna  
Posts: 24
Member

Lynnie thank you for your kind words! I'm tired of crying. I do want to be happy. Truly happy because pretending is exhausting. Thank you for loving me the way I am. I've never heard that before. I'd love to be your friend. How do you handle ur BP? How do I PM u? I'm verry new here.

11/13/2012 06:14 PM
paditrainer
paditrainer  
Posts: 487
Member

I can sympathise with the psychosis. Its a debilitating disease for sure and affects so many different aspects of our lives. Im sorry that you are going through this. Are you seeing anyone regularly to just vent and get it all out? If not, keep posting here. Sometimes it just takes a while for someone to reply coz we are all in different time zones. I truly do hope that things start to look up for you. Keep posting, we all care, and we all have different ways to help. All the best Smile Peace and hugs to you

11/13/2012 06:21 PM
lblauser
lblauser  
Posts: 462
Member

McKenna, I just sent you a private message. It should show up under messages on your side bar. Just respond and I'll get it.

11/13/2012 06:26 PM
mayravm1
 
Posts: 334
Member

Mckenna I also sent you a private message. I am here too if you want to talk.

11/13/2012 06:32 PM
McKenna
McKenna  
Posts: 24
Member

Maria, you are so sweet. Yes, I do feel relieved to know what's been plaguging me. I was misdiagnosed quite a few times (Schizo Aafective, Borderline Personality, etc). I'm glad you're better. That gives me hope. I know insomnia sure can suck, I've had it since I was 5. And yes, although it's never discussed, mental illness runs rampant in my family. My dad-schizo, mom-narcissism, brother-depression,

cousin/uncle-bipolar. And that's just the immediate family. Ill be sure to check on that website. I neeeed info! I see that you are into more natural rememdies for your BP, that's! cool. I just got a job so maybe I can finally get some help. Thank you!


11/13/2012 06:39 PM
McKenna
McKenna  
Posts: 24
Member

PadiTrainer, I just got ur hug and it felt great! Thank you for caring. Yes psychosis is horrible. What did you do after your first episode? (If you don't mind my asking).

I know my post was and I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond! You and everyone here are real gems!


11/13/2012 06:46 PM
illhangin
illhangin  
Posts: 1274
Senior Member

McKenna,

I am on this site because my teenaged son has bp. I struggle with ptsd, depression, and anxiety. I am no expert, but I do care, and I wanted you to know you are NOT alone. There are so many compassionate, REAL, and caring people here! I have found a lot of great resources on line: check out bphope.com and google NAMI. there are some great articles, meetings, and resources that I've learned about. My son has been psychotic a couple of times and it is very very frightening. I can ONLY imagine how terrifying it is for you. I am so sorry you have had this road to walk. With a proper diagnosis, you should be able to get on the path to stability. I know it seems like pdocs just want to give meds, but good ones will really help you to learn about wellness, stability, and long-term success. I have a friend who was hospitalized 20 times inthe 80's. She has not had a major episode in TEN years now. She is a pillar of the community. Her illness is really managed quite well. It takes time and patience, AND, support. Please continue to reach out here to folks who do understand what you are going through. There are such strong and loving people here. (skilled, too!) There are a couple of memoirs that you may enjoy reading, as they were written by strong women who have learned over the years to really take charge of their health. (and, they've learned a lot of strategies for rolling with the difficult ups and downs....) One of the books is called An Unquiet Mind, and the other is Madness. Manic is another good memoir. Again, I do not have bp, but I have watched my teen-aged child suffer. I know it is very, very difficult. BIG hugs! I will keep you in my prayers. KEEP REACHING OUT TO OTHERS!!! OX Illhanin (I'll Hang In---I won't give up!)

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