JR1
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Dear Lovemywife, I don't know what's common to BP attitudes--we are all so different when it comes to beliefs, attitudes, and reactions. I do know that I spent a lot of time projecting the feelings I have for myself onto other people. To explain projection let me say: when I didn't love me, I told you that I didn't love you; when I didn't understand, I accused you of not understanding; when I was angry with myself, I accused you of being angry with me; when I lost my temper with you for no reason, I blamed you; when I couldn't stand the chaos in my own mind, I blamed the kids for making too much noise; when I spent too much money for something I felt compelled to buy, I shifted the burden onto your shoulders by telling you I did it for you; when I lost my job because I couldn't deal with the people who worked with me, I blamed them for sabotaging me; when I relapsed because I was unwilling to change my attitudes, beliefs, and reactions, I told the doctor my meds weren't working. What ever I couldn't bear to face in my own nature, I projected onto you, until finally I came to believe that YOU, not ME, were the problem. That was the delusion of my denial, my inability to face the truth about my disease, and the inability to escape the deeply rooted guilt of being me. Finally when blaming you didn't work, when you stuck by me asking "What's wrong?", when you had forgiven me a thousand times--when the blame game failed, I had to run away. I switched my tactics. I succumbed to the ultimate feeling of guilt: "I am not good enough for you. Surely," I pleaded, "you can see that I am not good enough for you...." I languished in the sweetness of my suffering, and you stood in the way. In final desperation, I sought to make you hate me as much as I hate myself. Fear, anger, resentment, remorse--the four horsemen--kept ME sick and punished YOU for my sickness. But NOW, you see, I understand all that about myself. NOW I am responsible for how I feel. NOW it is my job to manage instead of blaming you when I can't manage. But I think you know all that already, don't you? There is a clue to your dilemma, however, which you gave in the phrase "temporary happiness." I can say with certainty, my friend, that ALL happiness is temporary. Happy moments come and go--moments mixed with pain, struggle, boredom, defeat, success, love, death, and taxes. All our tomorrows are built moment-by-moment on the moment at hand. How many moments at hand have I wasted? ...impatiently and faithlessly worrying about what tomorrow will bring, and when I will be happy again!? So here is a little gift to you of patience and faith. The trick with gifts, however, is whether you are willing to accept them. The magic of gifts, on the other hand, is whether you are willing to use them to make someone else's life a little better. So take my gift of patience and faith, won't you? Believe in the magic! With kindest regards, Jim James A Rist
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