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damselndistress
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Being married to a person with disorders like my husbands causes a person to live under certain rules. If you break the rule you pay the consequence. I am not permitted to speak my mind or confront my husband. If I do there are threats and hell to pay. I, the older I am getting am feeling much more confident in myself and outspoken. It makes it very difficult for me to survive living under oppression. I can live with consequences upon myself but it's hard for me that my children will be affected by the consequences also. It puts me in a difficult spot. I am afraid of what my own reaction will be to future outbursts and craziness that comes from my husbands behavior and words. I'm just ready on the one hand to let him have it, but fearful of what we will endure as a result. I have no confidence in my own ability to dialoge in an effective challenging way without triggering a very bad reaction from my husband. I don't know what to do about it. But these feelings are very strong inside me. It's difficult for me to not stand up for what I believe. I guess this is where that famous advice "Choose your battles" comes in handy. If anyone else has any other advice I would appreciate it. Also I should add think if my husband just got withdrawn when he was depressed it would be easier to deal with just having him retreat to the bedroom for several days, instead he attacks me as a person and makes it out to be all my fault that his life is ruined, then comes the threats of divorce the distancing himself from me and his proclaim of loving his family and desire for his children always excluding the woman he made them with. It's enough to make me crazy. I'm just tired of it. Over and over and over again, enough already. I'm tired of being his scapegoat. Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 10/15/2007 15:59 |
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bipolarmomma
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What you describe is what I dealt with as a child. My mother was bipolar and not seeking treatment. There was no other parent in the house or family nearby as my mom was in the Air Force and we were overseas. I couldn't stand the oppression and the demands she would place on me. I dealt with it until I finally snapped at 13 and left to my dad's. The things that children of bipolar parents experience is real and harsh. Because of what I went through I would advise you to remove yourself and your children from the situation. Because the possibility of your children inheriting bipolar is high. If they stay in your current enviroment they might learn to hate their father for various reasons. I understand that you love your husband but as a mother I know that love for your children can override that. Please take care. BE BLESSED!
r
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heatherr
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I hear you! I deal with many of the same things. Its not easy, in fact, some days...Its just downright BS. I was a very strong, opinionated woman before I met this one. Slowly I watched myself turn into this subservient lump with no self esteem. Im battling my way out and trying to regain myself without leaving him. Its a daily struggle and I dont know how it will turn out but Im doing the best I can. *hugs* to you, I feel your pain.
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peach
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I also hear you but from the other end. I seem to have all of these rules about how my husband can talk to me because when he yells at me, it's a trigger, though he will deny it. He doesn't believe that anything he does could be a trigger, which is difficult. But I can see how it is not easy to be married to us with BPD. We do tend to fly off the handle sometimes at seemingly random things or the most benign of phrases. But then, when it is something important to me that I am speaking up about, my husband thinks I am still "flying off the handle" about nothing and it's all just my illness. Very Frustrating. How do you communicate with this fat monster sitting between you? there's a question I don't know how to answer. But ((HUGS)) to you and I hope that things can get better between you. You don't deserve to be treated that way. And even though we know it is an illness that causes it, it still feels stinky.  Take care! --peach |
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carmen33
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Having this disorder or not, you do not have to take abuse, period, if you want to speak your mind then speak it, if he can't deal with it, then that is his problem, you are not helping by letting them get by with it.. Whether it's you that has the disorder or him, you don't have to put up with living like that. I know that the hard way by having done it myself, I am finding myself having to deal with not only my problems, but his too, and have let him get by with doing nothing for so long, that it has come down to either he straight his act up or I am leaving, which today I am going to my mom's and checking out her storage building and seeing if there is room for my stuff to hell with him. he left me a note last night saying that we WILL NOT feed the cats in the house anymore, we have problems with roaches. Since frigging when did he feed them? it would just mean more work on my part to do this, hell he doesn't stop and think about all the times he has left dishes sitting in the livingroom with food on them, or the fact that cleaning the kitchen, livingroom and the rest of the house is left up to me. Don't think he likes my new medication as i am not living in a depressed world anymore, and stuffing things like I have done for so long. I am speaking my mind, and letting him know that in no way will I tolerate his shit anymore. Carmen |
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mommaj
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I have learned to be stronger and not let him get away with things like there is no drinking and if you do there will be consequences. Although everytime he falls off the wagon he will get very depressed and suicidal. So is that how he manipulates me to stay. I told him if he didn't stop drinking to get out and I was very serious. His behavior seems to get out of control after a fight or if i go out without him. If I go to work. It's always when I am not home that he does something. Anyone know why? Also anytime he acts suicidal I call the police and he goes to get evaluated. He is in therapy and taking his meds. Still depressed and anxious will it ever get better? If not I will have to go. I am tired and I deserve some piece of mind. I don't think I will ever get it. |
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carmen33
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Living with someone with or without this illness is tough, they learn what buttons they can push to get us to do what they want, either by intimidation or guilt. If he is still depressed, how long has he been on his medications? if he has been on them for over two months, then it is time to look at either a medication adjustment for the dosage or a addition to the mix, a lot of people end up taking three or more different meds to help keep them stable, set him down when he has a "normal" day and tell him like it is, either he stops his drinking, or you are leaving, it might take a separation to get through to him, I am thinking that it is going to take my leaving my husband for him to get a clue. Carmen
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jlh1956
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I watched my mom go through exactly what you are experiencing. She was, still is a beautiful, loving and wonderful person. From a child's point of view, I don't think parents realize how terrifying and damaging all of this is to them. I loved my mom so much and it broke my heart to see her heart breaking. She couldn't ever do anything right. We never knew if what we said would be an excuse for him to start verbally attacking her or us for an allnight night of terror. Honestly, I just don't know if it's worth it or nor. It breaks you down eventually no matter how strong you are. But, it is NOT your fault, and never has been, never will be. Try to hold on to that when it gets rough. I wish you luck. I told my mom to get out and she never did until his violence had escalated to the point that she felt she was in real danger. It got pretty bad, his rage was uncontrollable and very scarry. I wish you peace and happiness, you deserve it! |
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Jennyyyy
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Wishing that he'd just withdraw when he has an episode of depression isnt exactly a lesser evil than when he attacks you. My ex suspected bipolar bf does just that. He distances himself from me when he is depressed and it left me feeling alone and insecure the whole time. He would never speak up so I could never understand what is going on with his head. Nevertheless, you owe it to yourself and your kids to do what you think is best. If you love yourself, then you would preserve your dignity and self respect by not tolerating his abusive behaviour. This is not a question of feelings anymore. This is about you and how you want to be treated by others. Someone once said to me that we create our problems and it's that phrase that made me break up finally with my ex. I hate being the victim. I know I am not happy anymore so I had to do something about it. It is not exactly an easy thing to do but believe me you will feel so much better after, thinking that you did the right thing, to preserve yourself. Take care and wishing you all the best... |
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