MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
10/01/2012 04:46 PM

"I Feel Ugly!": Depression?

ZadieBlue
ZadieBluePosts: 4547
VIP Member

My earliest depressive episodes (age 5?) always seemed to start with me suddenly finding that I was "ugly". It wasn't that anyone had said anything bad to me, I hadn't just watched a sad MTV video . . . Just one day out the blue I "hated" my haircut, I hated my hair, so I'd sequester myself in my room, vowing to stay there until my hair grew. And during this time I would look in the mirror and day by day I'd come up with more features that I thought were ugly.

The bipolar depression is very scary in that one day I'll walk into my living room to find that everything around me is different -- it is garbage, industry, wasted money, something I bought because I saw a stupid commercial. And when my surroundings change in quality or quantity, I listen to the roaring sound of silence and I begin to feel that I don't exist, and who cares anyway? I've been stressing and I don't exist, so no worries, right? Then I look around my cluttered living room and develop actual anger towards some of the items around me. And then *whoosh* an entire month goes by. Etc.!!!

Sooooo, I'm suddenly doing it again -- out of nowhere I've started hating my hair . . . and then my skin, the type of eyes I have, my nails, my weight and on and on and on . . . Imagine your mirror as acting as the living room objects I've come hate. I can see myself mirroring in the mirror until I hate myself, until I decide I don't exist and that nothing matters.

It's a pattern. I don't wanna go there. But it seems that there could be some depression in the air when out of nowhere "I feel ugly." Anyone have any experiences like this?!?

Zadie

image

Post edited by: ZadieBlue, at: 10/01/2012 04:54 PM

Reply

10/01/2012 06:17 PM
JGibson8483
JGibson8483  
Posts: 112
Member

I've had the cycles where "a month" goes by amidst clutter and mess and strange small piles that just seem to change in form and location. The "ugly" part is a tough one, have you been diagnosed with body/appearance dismorphic disorder? We care that you exist, we're not there in person but we still care that you exist. In some small way I think a lot of people suffering with bipolar feel connected.

10/01/2012 06:44 PM
ZadieBlue
ZadieBluePosts: 4547
VIP Member

Ummm, well in the past I've had a complex for always being the tallest, most "athletic" girl around -- when I was 9-10 they even stuck me on the boys' basketball team because yes, I was even taller than the boys. I'm now 5'9" and love being tall except when I'm 20 pounds heavier (which happens often while using psych drugs). Then it's too much.

When I'm depressed I've noticed that my surroundings look different: ugly, crappy, fake, insignificant, dead . . . Since I keep people away during such times, I have nothing or no one around on which to project my feelings, so I do so on the items in the room. I'm sure these objects have qualities that I would actually use to describe myself at such times. Maybe I protect myself by this projection.

During that month of depression I mentioned, I eventually came to see my living room as a cemetery, a dead zone. I think my memory (my inability to form and therefore remember memories) was affected.

Maybe I skipped through the projection and went for the mirror -- like when I was younger, and now -- when you stare into a mirror while feverishly depressed you can see yourself into looking like a zombie. I'm struck by this behavior because it seems to come out of nowhere and begin this ugly chain reaction. Depression changes the way I "see."

Zadie


10/01/2012 08:28 PM
ZadieBlue
ZadieBluePosts: 4547
VIP Member

Oh yeah, this memory problem is due to mood- / stress-related (allergy- / fatigue-related) dissociation. The amnesia is intrusive and seemingly autonomous. And when I'm depressed I'm prone to derealization / depersonalization (a sense that the self or the world in unreal). Over the last few days I have been removed from my body -- for instance, when I sing I'm surprised by the sound I hear. I was so miserable with allergies today I looked haggard while grocery shopping, so much so I could kind of behold myself from a step or two away.

I'm anxious and so . . . I'm making myself more anxious . . . .

Zadie


10/01/2012 08:57 PM
NancyBotwin
Posts: 40
New Member

*deleting for privacy*

Post edited by: NancyBotwin, at: 12/01/2012 12:09 PM


10/02/2012 05:09 AM
ZadieBlue
ZadieBluePosts: 4547
VIP Member

Did you experience any loss of memory? I never know it's happening (or maybe I do but I forget) until much later when maybe I'm doing better -- and then I freak out thinking about the loss of control, of what could happen. It's not DID and I don't have a massive trauma in my life, just a collection of smaller stuff. And it only happens during episodes and the episodes often happen during peak allergy seasons such as now. History tells me that the other shoe is gonna drop, which makes me anxious and rather hypervigilent.

Zadie


10/02/2012 11:12 AM
ZadieBlue
ZadieBluePosts: 4547
VIP Member

What is derealization?

Derealization is the sense of the world not being real. Some people say the world looks phony, foggy, far away, or as if seen through a veil. Some people describe seeing the world as if they are detached, or as if they were watching a movie (Steinberg, 1995).

Also see "Dissociative Amnesia" (as it is embedded in bipolar).

Yay, there's no Dissociative Disorders support group at MDJ. I'm tired from searching online, I'm going to cry!


10/02/2012 11:39 AM
mayravm1
 
Posts: 334
Member

Hi Zadie,

I been through the same things you gone through. And like Nancy, I had months were I felt so horrible about myself. I am thankful I don't feel like that right now. Thanks for giving a definition of derealization. Are you taking psy classes?


10/02/2012 12:45 PM
ZadieBlue
ZadieBluePosts: 4547
VIP Member

I worked in mental health for 11 years and got my Bachelor's and Master's degree in psychology -- for a while I worked as a therapist. Then I got really tired of it and stopped. So many problems, so little money, so many sick supervisors to babysit . . . As soon as I can relearn all the math I learned in high school (or pretended to) I anticipate going back to school to study Biology / Marine Biology. I currently work at an aquarium where I still work with people. It's a happier way to live for me.

When I get anxious about my condition I research and then I research more. I'm annoyed that my pdoc didn't spell all this out for me. I couldn't understand why I would suddenly experience amnesia during bipolar episodes. I thought I was epileptic! It seems that people don't often talk about this stuff, maybe because it's widely assumed to be due to trauma? I need all my ducks in a row because I tend to get really ill in the Fall while fighting extreme seasonal allergies.

At this point I'm worrying about becoming ill due to worrying, and it all worries me and makes me feel helpless and tired -- ughhh.


10/02/2012 12:52 PM
smudge2000
smudge2000  
Posts: 159
Member

Yes, I know exactly what u mean. I just posted 'I hate myself' and it is what you said but in MUCH simpler terms. I just dont know how to get through all this
Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved