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MzJ Posts: 5
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Hello, I'm new to site as well and also thankful for an outlet. As I've read other stories, I can really see that I'm not alone with up hill battles and that helps so much when you feel like you are all alone, and no one could possibly understand what you are going through. I'm trying my best to come to grips with my BP Husband and our dissolving marriage of 9yrs. I will try my best not to rant to much, but it's truly hard trying to sum of 9 yrs in a few sentences, but, I'll do my best... I'm still coping with my husband leaving yesterday on New Years Eve, which coincidentally was also his birthday. He was diagnosed this May with Bipolar after having a complete meltdown and had to be admitted to a mental hospital. He blames me and my family til this day, and says he hates me and my family for doing that to him, which hurts me to my core because none it is true. In his mind he felt like me and my family are witches/warlocks and that it was us under some kind of voodoo spell that made him act like that and he was the normal one. That's where his thinking is as of now, but I didn't really see the signs of him being BP when we first met 9yrs ago, I was swept off my feet and blinded with love. We were married about 4 or 5 months after we met on job. Certain people on the job felt he had a few issues but nothing major. I didn't pay it any mind, I thought I'd found Mr. Right and everybody has a few issues, nobody's perfect. While we dated I began to notice certain things a little off, but he convinced me he was fine, he'd just been through a lot as a child, no father, abusive step dads and poor upbringing... As far as I saw he'd overcame all that and doing well in his career. After about 5 years of just gradual signs building up, I still didn't see him as being Bipolar...but by then I did see he had a very band angry streak and a controlling streak over me, which by then I was completely under. I was doing what ever he asked to keep him happy and not mad at me. And one of those things was to quit my job and let him take care of me. He convinced me that I could just be a house wife and only thing I had to do was keep him happy. At first it was hard because I was so independent before we got married, but his wooing me, finally got me and I quit to stay at home and take care of him while he worked and took care of the bills. Downhill spiral began, 6 mos. after I quit, he got injured on the job and had to take a leave. He hadn't had a steady job since then (almost 5yrs later) I loved him so much I dedicated most to all of my time trying to help him and his dreams because I felt like it was for us not just him. I thought If I help him make it big with his dream, then we could live comfortably ever after right!.... Wrong! Two years ago he thought he'd got his dream job of a life time after so many years of trying to get there. Turns out it wasn't and it turned out to be a ponzie scheme instead. This was the straw that broke the camel's back with him and the real symptoms began to come out tremendously. This was also emotionally devastating to me as well, all our hopes and dreams where involved in this. After he left his particular job, he began to show signs of paranoia, that those people where suddenly after him to take him down, then it just snowballed from then to now. His personality has changed tremendously. From him believing my family and his family are witches and practice voodoo, to I want listen to when he tells me what to do...It's just so much to try to explain, but the bottom line is I gave up my life to do what I thought was right, being a good supportive wive. Left, feeling lost, confused, and know I need to get some help for myself as well. I tried my best to stay sane when he went on his outlandish rants. It has just taken such a toll on me. I'm weak emotionally, confused because I wanted to make my marriage work no matter what, sickness and health, rich or poorer,etc. But it really hurts that I could make it work because of his disorder. He left yesterday to go live with his mother because I'm a witch, how do I handle that. Oh! We've been living in hotels and now family for the last 2yrs. So now I'm left to just pick the pieces of my life up the best way I can. I know this rant probably sounds crazy but I'm just trying to focus and get my life back on track. Oh he refuses to take meds because he thinks everybody else is mentally ill, not him. So that's out of my hands as well. And The main thing I didn't mention in the beginning is that I'm a Christian, so I've been Praying that the Lord would heal and change him. I still believe he will, whether me and him are married or not. I know for a fact I'm going to have to have some sort of counseling for myself because of all the verbal, and emotional turmoil I've been through. And I'm trying my best not to be selfish and just think about my self. Because I've been the one to take of him and still feel that responsibility as a wife to do so. But honestly, right now I feel sort of relived, which I thought I'd never feel being away from him. I'm not even just sad right now because it hasn't really sunk end that this could be the end of my marriage. Not because I want it, but because of Bipolar making him think I'm the problem. That hurts me the most. I did a few times almost crack under all the stress and pressure he put me through, but I can truly say by The Grace of God, he kept me sound mind. I just had to get this long rant out, and ask for Prayers in my situation. (Lost,Confused and sorta feel Hopeless) 
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"Md Junction to me is my safe place. A place where I can feel safe to just open up talk about everything without burdening my wife. With all my health issues its nice to know that I am not alone, suffering form fibromyalgia,depression, and costochondritis with anxiety is a nightmare. Having the great people here at MDjunction is so great its hard to put into words. I dont think I would be getting through what I am going through without this great resource. I think everyone should know about mdjunction!" (Fmsdaddy)
I'll be fine if the hot flashes don't kill me first....