Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

First of all, I want to say "Thanks" to all of those who have posted on this site. I have found refuge in the stories shared.

I have known my husband for a little over 2 years and married 1 1/2 of those years. Although we didn't know each other for a long period, in 9 months he showed no signs of mood swings, disrespect or mean statements. It wasn't until 2 days after we were married did it all begin. I often describe my married life as having more fun than I have in my lifetime while shedding more tears than I could have ever imagined. The term rollercoaster is simply an understatement to what I have been through. I walk on egg shells every moment of every day. My husband tells me he loves me 50 times a day, buys me flowers every week, tells me I am beautiful, says I'm the greatest wife in the world, tells me he has never had this much fun in his life - it would seem that I lived in a fairy tale until the 'other side' shows its colors. It's then that I am a hateful bitch, that he hates being married to me, that I will soon be his ex, that there are plenty of other women who would trade places with me at any time - I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture.

Christmas Eve was one of the worst days - after he went ballistic when my sister ate a piece of bacon, and then screamed at my mother when she offered to cook him more - I had enough. We had it out - I have packed most of my things and am ready to move out.

We have been to marriage counseling in the past & I have been to therapy. He doesn't see that he has a problem and states that I am too sensitive. I told him that I was making an appointment with a psychiatrist. He will either go and get help, or I am leaving. From the advice of my therapist, I have sent behavior patterns and mood swing details to the doctor to review before our appointment.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach our appointment? He has agreed to go but has stated that in order for him to get help, he has to believe that he needs it. My reply was that if the doctor said he was fine and that he didn't need it, that I would finish packing this week. I simply can not live the rest of my life like this. He also stated that I needed to be nice and that he wasn't going for us to argue. He is a very smoothe talker and can convince any one that he is stable and that everything is fine.

Any tips that have worked for you in the past would be appreciated.

Thanks.

The smooth talker convincing trait is a trait most of them share. Make sure that the doc read your letter and see if he/she brings things out during the discussion. If not, I think you need to bring it up without making him feel defensive...which he will anyway. Stay calm....look like you are the reasonable one and not the crazy angry one no matter how much he attacks you. In a calm manner just point out to the psychiatrist some of your husbands behavior just like you wrote it.

good luck

sadsad

Thanks sadsadhubby - It amazes me how well they are able to control their mood swings and hide it from everyone. Fortunately, the 'demon side' has shown it's horns around a few of his family members that had never seen it before. For whatever reason, I took that on as a victory to know I wasn't the one who had issues.

Thanks for your advice scblondie - I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. I'm sure my packing has gotten his attention. I have threatened in the past but haven't gone this far. Although it shouldn't be different, when the disrespect transferred to my mother and sister, another line was crossed. WWIV should not come over a piece of bacon! It's just crazy.

hello WTHAMIDOING, welcome to our group! I understand the piece of bacon upset..the stupidest things set them off! Then it's still everyone else's fault! Like you, my jekyll and hyde showed itself the 1st week of marriage. From then on out it was walking on eggshells everyday. I see many similarities in your story..mine was all loving, overly loving to me MOST of the time..generous , whatever he could do to help..until he got mad..one of my last stories was him flipping out over my 16 old (at the time)peeling a bananna in the car on the way to church..yep..oh what fun! hopefully he will be willing to get help, at least you are getting his attention! best of luck to you!

My straw is currently b-r-e-a-k-i-n-g. His illness is making me crazy. My life as I knew it is over. You can only put yourself last and be a caregiver for so long, ignoring the elephant in the room. Here is the problem: he is unemployed currently going on 2 yrs related to his illness, ego shot, and has defined himself by his diagnosis. So needless to say: we don't have much in common at all. We have 2 awesome boys....he just seems to be a bystander....not a participant. I have come to realize that we will probably NEVER be the couple we were before this illness reared it's ugly head. I am now trying to figure out....how to not be in this emeshed situation. I pay for everything, insurance house, etc.... Will be willing to put him in an apartment if he will get a job and deed his car over to him. This just sucks! As well as the fact that if he ever knew @ my thoughts he will probably try suicide again. I have that fear daily....starts to wear on you. So when everyone says...take care of yourself....yeah right. When he kills himself....I will never forgive myself. All b/c I wanted to be happy. co-dependent...ya think?!

nothing changes

if nothing changes.

Southernsky, at one point you have to realize that you can not continue to be held hostage nor responsible for his actions. If he chooses to kill himself....can't be blaming yourself for it. You can't be living and walking on egg shells and be afraid to make a decision because of what he may or he may not do.

That said, my wife tried to kill herself three times and would hold me responsible for the way she was feeling. At that time if she would have succeded...I would have felt eternaly responsible because I did not have an understanding of her disease. It was not till I saw how distorated her thought process was that I realized....it was her, not me responsible for her actions. Its not my fault if she stopped the medications....what was I suppose to do when I ask if she had taken her meds and she would tell me its her body and none of my business.

At the end, I was the lucky one. She kicked me out of the house by getting a restraining order against me falsly accusing me of abuse. She did me a favor, because I know sooner or later what goes up will come down...except next time if she succeeds there is no way I will feel guilt nor feel that I could have done anything else to help her..She is no longer my problem.

My best,

sadsad

Well, I’m not sure how I would classify our appointment. The Doctor pulled me aside a couple of times – She said that she had read over my letter and asked me if I felt threatened physically. I told her he has never made any type of physical threat towards me. She said even if he hadn’t in the past, it doesn’t mean that he won’t in the future. She said that she had been doing the same profession for 20 years and although he may have several bi-polar symptoms, she said that he mainly suffers from a personality disorder. A personality disorder cannot be treated by medicine – it’s just how a person is. Obviously, that wasn’t the information I was hoping for. She said they can try to treat the mood swings by medication, but that it would not change his attempts at manipulation nor control. She said that I am the one that will have to resist that by choosing to do things he says not to, no matter what his wishes are. She said there is a chance the ‘Chill Pill’ that she is prescribing will help him calm his desire to be so controlling, but there is no guarantee. She said we will just have to see how the medication does. She asked him if he was willing to take it and he said yes. He still doesn’t understand that he has a problem, which we all knew and she confirmed by asking him in the office. She said that I should not to threaten to leave – she said if I make that decision, I need to do it quietly. She said threats could trigger a response of violence, which makes sense – although he didn’t show any violence when I was packing my stuff Christmas Eve. She said it was a good sign that he was willing to come to the counseling. He made another appointment for 3 weeks from now. She said that it was also a good sign that he stated he was going to take the medication. She said most with personality disorders would never come to the appointment - much less agree to take the medication.

I'm not sure how quickly it is supposed to work, but this morning he couldn't find his belt. He calmly asked if I would help him look for it so he wouldn't be late for work. Once we found it, he said, "I can't believe I didn't flip out". I was thinking the same thing, because it has happened in the past. I am thankful he recognized it - it may seem like a small victory, but at this point I will take them however I can get them!

Baby steps. =) I am happy for you. =)