Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Hi.. I'm posting this in both bp forums I have joined. I am a 34 year old woman from the midwest. My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 16. We have a daughter, 9. We bought a business 4 years ago with my family and husband changed dramatically. It was a very stressful time for us all, but he hid away, didn't communicate, felt suicidal, took way too long on projects, etc. We've been through a whole heap in our time- suicide attempt in college, 2 affairs, job loss. last year he threatened suicide again and his folks called the cops. he was diagnosed. Since then he's been at home, not working, blaming my parents, smoking pot and watching hours and hours of tv. escaping, basically. he became verbally abusive, falling into a pattern of blaming others for all of his problems and seeming to feed off conflict with me. he decided I was the abusive one, for what reason I cannot fathom. I expected him to take his meds (he did), see a therapist (he refused- they can't help me!), and work on resolving his relationship issues with my parents (he did not). I called the cops one time when he had a rage and terrified my daughter and me. He promised it would never happen again. He's been case-building and then telling me I'm case building. The twisted nature of his accusations is crazy-making. A month ago he found an email I wrote to my two best friends which expressed my lack of hope. He raged for a couple of hours, stormed in and out of our room, threatened to kill himself, to kill me, to take our daughter away, and called me the absolute worst names and said the worst things I'd ever heard. The next morning our daughter woke me up complaining of a headache and not wanting to go to school. She'd heard at least some of it. I called friends for help and they came over and recommended that I get a restraining order. Broke my heart, but that's what I did. We had to go to court, since we share our kid, and the judge believed me. So husband can't come home for now. He's staying with same friends who came to help. They, incidentally, have decided not to stand by me. They were cruel to me- can only imagine they believed his account, which was that we were arguing and he'd never threaten me. His parents didn't believe me either. Their philosophy after going to a 12-week NAMI class is that we should all tell him he's doing a great job no matter what he's up to. They tried to hold me accountable for his affairs and told me this time that I push his buttons, so I share responsibility. It's also complicated by the fact that no one, except my daughter and me, has ever seen him rage. He's a smooth operator to anyone else.

I hold onto hope that he might be well again and that our family might reunite. We saw a marriage counselor a few times who encouraged me to stop rescuing him, and to let go. He also supported the order for protection. I'm struggling with depression and hopelessness these days. It's awfully lonely... but our house feels safe. I take comfort in that. I've been seeing a counselor and dancing and learning to play guitar- hopeful things that are good for me. I traded in cigarettes and wine and pot, old friends of mine who used to help me get through evenings with him. About once a day right now I want to reach for a smoke and light 'er up.

He watches our daughter after school, so I've been seeing him daily and it breaks my heart. We've written a little. We tried talking on the phone over the weekend and it turned into him saying that I suck at being supportive to him.

Someone recently suggested that being labeled bp hasn't helped him to get better, but has allowed him to get worse. I'm inclined to agree. Denial is an ugly thing, and so is projection. And they're so DEEPLY ingrained! It's astonishing, some of the things he has accepted as his truths. Underneath all that I imagine he must feel pretty shitty. I still want to support, to hold his hand, to be his wife, but I'm on this side of things for now, and can't control what he does or doesn't do. I'm terrified he'll have another affair or do something ghastly. I'm pissed at my friends and his parents. SO glad for mine, who love well.

That's it for now. Blessings to us all on this messy road. In crisis there is opportunity, they say!

Big hugs, XtremeT.

Sorry for your pain XtremeT. I hope you are taking good care of yourself. This is hard stuff. You don't deserve to be treated harshly. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Thanks for the support. It is so appreciated.

Hi xtreme and welcome to the group. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

I recommend getting some books on BP/mental illness and educating yourself on what is happening. The ones that I got the most from are "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy I think and "Stop Walking on Eggshells". The SWOE is for personality disorders, but there are some great techniques on how to deflect and deflate very emotional situations.

I have to see my ex on a regular basis due to shared custody of our kids. I relied heavily on those books the first few months. Initially he would try start fights and play the blame game, but I learned how to get out of those talks.

As for the friends and his parents, this is when you find out who you real support are. We had friends that took his side and it broke my heart. The ex in-laws are in heavy denial and talking to them gets me nowhere. It will all shake out in the end.

Stay strong and take care of you!

Thank you for the book suggestions and the feedback, timeforme. I will look into them. Right now my counselor has recommended "rebuilding" about separation/divorce and "the gentle path through the 12 steps," which he says is a great book for healing all sorts of issues. Sorry to read about what you have gone through. Wow. What stories we all have, and in many cases, such similar patterns in our bp spouses' behaviors!