Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Hello all, I just joined and I am glad there is a place like this to talk about things I feel uncomfortable talking about with anyone else.

My husband's bipolar manifests itself with extreme sadness and exhaustion and the need to be left alone. He is never angry or mean to me, but there are times when I feel so lonely. He will often come home from work and go directly to his music studio. I give him the freedom to play his music because I know it is therapeutic for him, but it often makes me feel neglected.

The worst part is the decreased libido. I am not a sex-maniac by any means, but there are times when we go for months without any intimacy. I sometimes try to initiate things but get turned down, and this hurts even more. I have told him a couple times he needs to be more physical when he feels good and that I will let him do the initiating, but I don't want to be nagging him about this because it ruins the mood. Sometimes I hint at it and he agrees and says it will happen soon, but then nothing happens. It could be related to his meds but they are always being changed, I don't even know what he takes anymore.

I have learned to read my partner's moods and try to be as supportive and loving as possible. He is the best man I've ever been with and I love him dearly, but I feel like what I need (both emotionally and physically) can be secondary to what he needs. I don't know what to do anymore.

Do any of you have experience with decreased libido in your partner? What can I do to make my point clear without putting pressure on him and making us both uncomfortable?

Somegirl: Decreased libido???? Ummmm, that would be ME due to all the name-calling and insults I've endured over the years... You say he's not insulting to you and comes home and goes off to be by himself???? Wants to be alone? Thank your lucky stars, dear girl.... Sorry, but I'm never lonely anymore... in fact, love it when I'm left totally to myself...

You don't know what he's taking for meds????? You're not involved with his treatment? Your needs will ALWAYS be secondary to his.... until you decide that you want your life to be otherwise....

Hmmmmm... My husband's libido goes in spurts. Sometimes, he wants it a lot. Sometimes, not much at all. And I'm with you Warhorse! My husband has been working from 4-11 a few nights a week, and I LOVE the me time!!!

Sounds like your husband has more depressive than manic moments.

Some psych meds can affect the libido. What meds is he on?

I know that I am lucky, I have a good man, and when we started living together we agreed that when his depressive moments happened he would sequester himself away so his mood would not affect me. I suppose that I am new to this whole thing, we've only been together for three years and I joined this group because I am willing to work through anything to keep what is good about our relationship.

It can be hard feeling alone when you are with someone. I know that recently his meds were switched to Wellbutrin combined with at least 2 other pills, one may be Lamactil. I would have to check to see what else he's taking right now. I would like to eventually go to therapy with him, but I am so non-confrontational sometimes I don't know if I'll overstep my boundaries, sometimes it seems the best thing to do is let him ride out his own mood.

i guess my question arose because I read so many stories about increased libido and aggression and I wondered if anyone out there has also dealt with the opposite end of the spectrum.

Somegirl: The cross between libido/aggression/normalness doesn't fit for me.... He's worried about not affecting you when he's depressed????? I'd take depressed any day to manic....

What is good about your relationship? He ships himself away when he's depressed? This is normal???? You would eventually like to go to therapy with him????

Honey.... You are currently living in outerspace and have no clue what is going on under your nose.... If you want a 'normal' relationship, then ditch this guy and go find yourself someone who is 'normal'. Otherwise, you need to get involved and figure out what the hell is going on with your guy and HELP HIM if you can....

Somegirl, welcome to our group. When your SO with BP is in a depressed stated it can be very lonely. It can be quite painful when they isolate from you and lack of a sex drive often happens either because of the episode, the medications or both. Unfortunately depreesive episodes often last longer than manic. Do you have friends or family that you can spend time with when your husband it is not available to you? I know it is not the same but it may help you to be less lonely until he comes around. Educating yourself about the med's he takes is important for both of you. If he stays in an episode to long he may not be on the right med's.

Feel free to vent here any time. We all have either been through or are going through what you are so we really do understand.

WARHORSE - Gee, I thought this was a support group, not a way to talk down to people who don't have it as hard as you. I have never been with a BP person before and he seems embarrassed about his condition. I don't want to force him to let me go with him to therapy. I have considered going to my own therapy. I tried to keep up with his meds but as I said it changes a lot and at the moment I don't know what combination he's taking. His case of BP is definitely not as severe as others I have read about but I thought this was somewhere I could still talk about how it's affecting our relationship.

Also his manic episodes usually involve him ignoring me a lot as well while he cleans his whole studio or every contact on his mixing board, or whatever project he's obsessing over at the time. I'm not going to "ditch him" and to be honest, this is the most "normal" relationship I have been in. On a good day, he is loving and we laugh and all that good stuff. But on bad days, which can stretch into bad weeks and months, he barely talks to me. What I am saying is, his depression is more severe than his mania. I try to be the supportive wife, ask him if he wants to talk, but most of the time he just wants to be left alone. How do you help someone who doesn't want to talk and isn't ready for me to be in therapy with him yet? You make me seem like the bad guy here... I want to help but I'm at a loss so I joined this group to get some insight.

I merely wanted to see if anyone else more experienced with a BP who is more depressed than manic and whose depression phases can go on for months, and they can't get out of bed or do anything until mid afternoon, and who then can't do anything but shut themselves off from people.

BROKEN - Thanks for your post. I do have friends I can talk to when things aren't so good at home. Most of them don't know about my husband's condition because he is embarrassed about it and think they will look down on him for it. I joined this group to see if anyone can understand because on the outside they all see us as a perfect, happy couple. I have only a few buddies who actually know he's BP but they don't really understand the condition so they mostly just nod in comfort when I talk about it.

Welcome to the group somegirl,

It really does sound like your partner is dealing with more of the depressive side of the illness and that would effect his sex drive and his desire for sex I believe.

It sounds like where he is at right now he doesn't really have a lot to give to your relationship at times with needing that wind down time after work in his studio.

I think you are probably doing what you can for him by giving him his space and being patient but I can see it is leaving a huge void for you.

When we were first married my husband also didn't seem very interested in sex. I was a bit disappointed so I can relate to how you are feeling with that. My partner also is usually engaged in projects or distractions for a couple reasons I think. As I called it a distraction he needs them to unwind but his mind is so active that he has to be doing things almost constantly. The only problem is like you I was often left lonely and bored and longing for someone that could have a relationship with me. This all happened before we got into any of the more hypomanic or manic stuff with the verbal abuse. My partner was usually calm towards me he was just always doing something or taking off to go do things or visit people. He visited for hours with everyone but me-weird how it works that way. Would listen to other people's stories, secrets, you name it and there was me-either working or sitting there at home waiting for him. It is really frustrating I understand.

I really think these guys are just trying to cope with life and maybe there just isn't a whole lot left for us.

I'd be interested in talking more about this with you,

Damsel

somegirl,

thanks for your honesty. my husband has also been somewhat low in the libido area, but recently i found out that he used pornography the first couple years of our marriage. with that in mind, i have begun to question the deeper issues going on. obviously he wasn't completely uninterested.

i honestly used to be thankful because he wasn't all over me all the time, but now that i know more of the story, i feel a bit foolish for that.

like you, my husband is not as severe: never violent or verbally abusive...mostly reclusive. but, he hides...a lot. right now i am trying to figure out if the hiding is more a result of childhood experiences, which were pretty bad for him, or more from BP. we are separated, so i am not dealing with him daily, which has been very liberating and nice.

not sure if i am ready to continue living a life where the other person's needs are always in the forefront. i deeply crave being cherished and protected by my SO. that has never been the case, and probably never will. it's very sad.