Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

We have been married 30 years... in the early years, he got moody and depressed, and horribly bad tempered, and verbally abusive.. these episodes would last in those days for about a month.. theyd peak, in some horrible marriage ending show down, then slowly dissapate.. the man i married, would resurface, and loving, and all would be well for months... this pattern has been repeating itself, over and over... and no matter what i do, or say, its my fault when , what he calls THE BLACK CLOUD desends.. As hes aged, it has excelerated the episodes, to the point, just saturday, he wanted to leave, was crying, thinks of suicide, hates his life, and just wants to run away. He has crying jags, that go on and on, and his black moods and short fuse , over anything, little things.. are making me so stressed i can barely function... I have felt, and im not a dr.. that he has a mood disorder of some type.. i have pleaded with him, begged him, to get help, that nobody needs to live a life so miserable, and that his feelings are way off the spectrum.. He wont hear of it.. Hes depressed cause, son made him miserable, or i didnt clean the house well enough, or he has some financial problems, and we are all at fault... I wanted to leave, but with him, sobbing, and eyes so bleak, i can do it.. the kids want me to get out for my own sanity, but i just cant leave such a sick person... So aside from me continuing to convince him he needs help, how do other spouses deal with the constant mood swings and lashing out and anger, and depression that these people dole out on those that love them??????

Have you had any counseling for yourself? I am sorry to here of this situation and although you cannot force him to go to counseling you can go yourself.

I think it would benefit you a great deal!

And welcome to the forums!

Wow your story makes me think of my mother in law and father in law. She really wanted to leave him. Went to college got a degree I guess even shut down towards him for about a year or so but then after she did all that and got established to leave-she couldn't do it. She thought then what? My father in law was never diagnosed. He was able to function as a high school teacher and a pastor. I think he was able to guard himself in certain situations to an extent but it really blows up with the closest people to them-the wife first and sometimes the kids.

Mother in law never uses the word disorder or bipolar referring to her husband. She claims it's the way all of the men are in that family (which there could be some truth since it is hereditary)She claims to have gotten thick skin. I don't know. I overheard a confrontation they had because she went out a bought a new stove. He was horrible to her. I think I would have confronted him more and not just taken the bad mouthing. Like said well this matters to me and I am willing to spend the money on these things myself if you aren't willing. She didn't stand up for herself at all she sat there and took it.

I don't know if it was because it would have made it 10 times worse or if she knew I was in the house and didn't want to make a bad impression.

I was not myself disciplining my own kids there because we were in front of others so I felt restrained from what I could say and do. I didn't want to do anything to make my in laws question me. Instead they just commented that I lacked parenting skills and they thought the little brats needed slapped. Thanks a lot for that-if I would have had a place to go I would have marched out of there at that very moment.

It's just very difficult when you've been married to a person for so long. Not that I think you should spend another moment of your life being tortured that is for sure.

The counseling for you is a very good idea. I think what our partners need is a little feedback. Like wow that hurt my feelings. Just like cognitive behavioral training-perhaps if responses were reinforced over and over they would try to adapt a bit but then too we have to remember that this is an illness and it distorts the way they think and perceive things.

You are sure welcome to join our support system here online. Vent all you want to. We come together here in rough times and better times and just reach out to each other to help deal with the pain and frustration.

You are very welcome to join us in that. Many of us really don't know if we'll stay or go. I'd like to stay if I can-but it depends on how bad it gets.

As you suggested your husband has gotten worse and I have felt like I have seen similar signs. I guess I can trust my friends here to tell me if they think it's just getting to be too much for me.

Welcome to our group,

Damsel

If he is suicidal, you can get him committed to a psych ward in my state. And they make people stay three days before the person can ask for a hearing to be released--and if the doctors don't agree to release the person, he or she stays hospitalized. At least there would be a chance for a real intervention for him that way. My BP husband would want me to have him committed if he was suicidal (or if he has a psychotic break). People can feel betrayed by this, but I think it may be your only option if he refuses to get help on his own. I can't tell from your description if he is indeed bipolar (I mean from hearing things that sound familiar--only a psych doc can diagnosis this), but it sounds like he is at least suffering a major depression. Is there anyone your husband admires and listens to? A brother, uncle, best friend, pastor, doctor? Someone you could talk to who would be discreet and come up with a plan to get your husband some help?

Welcome, and I am sorry you are going through this.

i dont know if hes really suicidal, or just part of his general pattern...He is presently in one of his worst down ward spirals that i have seen in the last 10 years. Im canadian, and unless he actually tries something , i just cant go and commit him....Wish i could.. cant speak to his family, they are in total denial,though recently one of his cousins told me that hubby was emotionally fragile even as a child...its nice to have know, like 30 years later! hes starting again his new pattern, which has been established for 2 years now, this will be the 3rd.. instead of falling apart 1 month out of 3.. it was always the change of the seasons, so that would make it about 4 times a year.. its changing now.. it starts, early april, as the weather gets nicer, slowly builds up to july, escalades into august, and then like a bomb, he destroys the family...spirals down to not talking, wants to run away, does run away... then starts coming back to himself around end of september, and is almost normal, since their really is no normal for him, by november.... sooo, its early april now...what more can i say..and i was considering therapy for my self...since we cant do couples therapy till gets some meds, if ever does..sigh....im dreading the next 4 months, and my daughter is getting married august....

Majority of mood disorder sufferers fight suicidal thoughts nonstop. Not because they want to die but they just hate feeling the way that they do. I am Canadian too and Ill be honest here, our health care system is not very helpful. Ok if u break ur arm u can get a cast in 10 hours but for mental health issues good luck. We have a good Pdoc now but its very hard to get into see him and the appointments are very far apart because of time constraints. In this country I also am Leary about admitting non severe mental health patients into the system. Its very taxed and I feel is not usually effective. Once they go once it tends to become a trend. Yes admitting a mood disorder sufferer will give the family a rest but I just don't see it being a benefit to the patient. Unless its really bad, they are really unsafe and there is a huge loss of reality.

The big issue for you is your kinda alone. And this is what bothers me most about people who are suffering from mood disorder. Your spouse is very very lucky to have you but fact is you could use some help from your family and the people around you. Makes a huge difference for the person with BP not to feel like they have to hide there problem. Its a medical disorder and so many people try to convince there loved ones they can snap out of it, or it will be ok. Everyone just needs to admit, My loved one has a Mood disorder and it is a serious medical problem and we are all will to contribute to help our loved one through it.

Here are 2 books that may be helpful

Choosing to Live by Thomas E Ellis.

And

The Bi Polar workbook by monica ramirez

Post edited by: Loyalty, at: 04/06/2010 10:48 AM

jackandjill, Love is very important in my opinion the most important thing in life But you cannot sacrifice yourself for another, it does not help him and certainly doesn't help you. He needs to do something to try to get some help for himself. You deserve to be happy to.

thank you for the book references.. i will check them out..And yes , i do feel very much alone with this problem.. my kids know, but i try not to involve them too much, they have their own issues with him..and you know whats so ironic??? MY oldest daugher, the one getting married in august just graduated from medical school and will be leaving to the states to do her residancey..in....Pychiatry!!!! Living with dad, has made her a drive to find help with research for people with all mental disorders...God bless her, who knows, down the road she may find the key to mental disorders...

i know, and i working on solutions for myself...

Many of us don't see a true depression-crawling into bed for weeks unable to function wanting to kill themselves type of depression.

What we see is our partners just turn horrible and nasty. They may not have the energy they did before but seem far from suicidal. They start to blame the people around them for making their life miserable and cannot see that the negative feelings are coming from inside. They look for an outside source and usually that is us. We end up bearing the brunt of their depression when they start taking their pain out on us.

I guess I would just encourage you to stay away from him-from that as much as possible until you can decide what to do. Go to a park and read a book. Come visit your daughter in the states. Anything to give you some relief.

My mother in law was able after the kids were grown to set some boundaries with father in law. She is very busy and active. He fears her much of the time so it is possible for you to draw a line but do it with caution for your own sake. I can see too where you want to keep the peace at least until the wedding. We are here for you vent all you want to. Every day several times a day if needed. There is usually some one here to just talk. And it's so nice to have a place to come to let it out and have people understand.

Damsel