Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Hello everyone!Reading all the discussions here and thought this may be the place for help. Mine is a very long story but here is the basics:

Was engaged for 3 years. Never saw anything "manic" but he did tell me he was BP and it was under control... I never saw any signs to show differently other than some sadness from time to time but nothing I worried about. We had a wonderful loving relationship, got along great, he was consistent, has a great job, good with finances, overall great and caring. THEN...BAM right after the enagement conflict set in, he started becoming "short" with me (I though no biggy) then long stretches between text messages and/or phone calls, then I felt him "distancing himself from me emotionally"...then it just got worse and worse and fighting etc...he literally said to me "my walls are up"....I didn't know what the hell had happened. So...we had a weekend that was great but ultimately ended in him saying "I can't meet your needs and he ends it"...Needless to say I was devastated...and thought well (because historically he had never ever pulled away from me for more than 24 hours)...so I asked the question "is there someone else" (because I was seeing some mania) and he says of course not blah blah...

so HE ENDS IT and I kid you not I did not hear from him for 3 MONTHS! Nothing and FINALLY I email him and he says "you told me not to contact you"...so we "meet" and he is manic,,drinking, talking fast, gambling, etc...tells me "he loves me but can 't give any emotions to me until he gets himself straight"...kind of asks me to "wait for him so to speak" says his "walls are up" but I am the love of his life etc....I am heartbroken AGAIN reading up on BIPOLAR like crazy trying to understand this as I literally saw no signs at all I mean nothing. Now he is not calling, texting, NOTHING...How ?? Why? will he crash? Is this part of the Mania? He IS on medication but drinking excessively. Is very wealthy, successful, young, etc....PLEASE HELP I am so sad and hurt..What am I suppose to do?

You have to wait. You can't help him or make him get help right now. He might crash or only come down a little. It is very individualized depending on different things.

You can seek health and happiness apart from him now. I'm sorry this news sucks. It hurts. I'm sorry you're feeling all this.

but if you look in the other thread, she says "I wish he dumped me when we were dating"

It happened to me. I can't see the silver lining yet. But I do sympathize with what these other men and woman went through for years.

We might be the lucky ones if we can learn to see that things were going to just get harder.

abitlost,

I am in your same situation. My boyfriend (and ex-husband, yes they are the same person) up and left me on June 29. Just came home, said he was not happy and was leaving. He has done this in the past. I believe a bad medication change precipitated this. He had a med change May 9, and by June 1, I saw him slip into depression, then around Father's Day, manic. He distanced himself emotionally, was not home all day, literally only coming home to sleep, texts got shorter, more different. He always told me when he was coming home, and just 3 days before he left, I sent text asking when he was coming home from working on his brother's van, and I got, "When I finish. Love you.". I knew then something was not right. Then he spent $440 in the week preceding him leaving. No explanation. Left on a Friday night and had no money as of Saturday. I have since seen total distance, then talking calmly, but what does not seem to me to be fully rationally. Then anger, even shut off my cable, then turned it back on next day. Then came to pick up my son for an event today, mentioned me coming to his softball game tonight, then did not even acknowledge my presence there. Has asked me not to tell him I love him anymore, and has went on a total self sufficiency, need to be independent kick and thinks "home not good for him right now".

Now, he did this in January for 16 days, tonight will be night 21 without him sleeping here. He is a mile up the road living with his un-diagnosed bipolar son and the son's girlfriend. In January, we had a fight, he left, then said he was not coming back because he was not happy. Then after hashing out our personal relationship issues, he decides he needs time to think again. Then promised to return on a Sunday night to talk, no shows me. Then sends me a text that night saying, "It's over. I am sorry to do it this way, but when I'm around you I want to be with you, but when I'm not around you, I am happy with my decision". Then began the self-sufficiency kick, needing to be independent and on his own, taking care of himself with no one to help him.

When he came home end of January, I brought up the whole break up via a text thing and he said, "Well you KNEW why I was doing it right?" I said, "Yes, because you had your bipolar wall up." He said he preferred to call it his wall of self preservation. So, this putting up walls thing your boyfriend is doing, seems to be a similar theme.

Now he is doing all the same things, we hashed out our issues and he is on the self-sufficiency kick again, does not want me to even tell him I love him, etc.... same patterns as January. The whole asking me not to say I love you is putting up the walls again. I just do not get it, personally.

Post edited by: Zoey2699, at: 07/19/2012 07:45 PM

I have had similar ups and downs with my ex, who is bipolar. I haven't been on this site for a few months and what floors me, like it did when I originally found this site, it the similar patterns. You can fool yourself into thinking this what is happening in just the way things are-a jerk just leaving you-they don't love you anymore-fine. But it's not, it's not that at all. The pattern repeats itself too much. It is the disorder. Abitlost-mine completely freaked out when we got engaged. It spiraled down for 3 years, after a 13 year relationship. If I wait patently enough I know he will come back, they usually do, but for what, a life-time of insecurity. i'm trying to find the strength to say enough is enough. I don't know your story well enough to tell you what to do, but sometimes enough is enough.

Zoey & athingapart

Thank you both for sharing your stories with me. It made me feel better at 3 am reading your posts knowing I'm not so alone. (sorry) but it did.

I wanted to explain a bit on what happened when I saw him Saturday- he was 12 hours late meeting me and at that point I was beyond hurt. He showed up half drunk manic and we were "up" all night. I had never seen him manic or been around anyone manic so this was a "first" for me. It was sad actually as I felt we never met. It was like being around someone I did not know. I am also now certain he is sleeping around so there goes that for me. Reading all these posts here has helped more than any book or any advice I have been given.

He was happy and fun and non stop talking etc...he is gambling, buying property, bought a sports car (he is very wealthy) and looks better than I have ever seen him. Girls were gawking at him everywhere we went. The next day he cried on and off all day and I said absolutely nothing. No questions no discussions I was done. I want no future of this roller coaster, none. LIke alot of posts here he is calling everyone he knows but NOT me. I never hear from him now. Haven't for months. He completely shut ME out. Says I'm the love of his life though...but no actions to back that one up. When I witnessed a full 24 hours of the mania it really did scare me as to a future that would be turmoil, hurt and I have not seen the "other" side of mania so not sure what his looks like? For a year and a half he was doing well.. Yes he is on medication but drinking like a fish? It is very hard to understand if they love this much why completely cut off all contact with you? But he has. I did nothing wrong, never yelled, never asked questions but haven 't heard from him since Sunday now. He said he couldn't "emotionally" give me anything but still wants me and I believe this in a way as the mania I witnessed was craziness...BUT someone is getting him? Maybe seeing other women ? Geez who knows now.If they love you why? It just doesn't make sense..He is up 2-3 days at a time but doing great during the day at work..so some normalcy there? He says he wants a "family" so it doesn't add up?? I so appreciate your comments as it is all I have at the moment to help me try and piece it in MY mind. I am not waiting though, I just can't. This would rip me apart and I am already starting to miss work, worry, not sleep, cry the whole bit. I am also starting to think the best thing is to cut off all contact so I can move on - what if I never do hear from him? It seems like a roller coaster future of sad endings..thanks again for lisening to me rant and hugs to all of you out there

Post edited by: abitlost, at: 07/20/2012 03:32 AM

Post edited by: abitlost, at: 07/20/2012 03:34 AM

A, you will hear from him again, the question is do you want this life? You do not have children, just imagine how this mania hurts children. Also, the crying jags and the mania can get worse. Sounds like he is rapid cycling, that means up one minute down the next.

I have set a boundary with my H that he must be under treatment with his Dr to be around the kids alone. He must be stable when coming to visit them. (He is only able to be around them for a few hours anyway at the most now)

My H is also a "runner". Some run according to the seasons of the year, sometimes a life event or stress can trigger a manic episode, or even the wrong medication combination.

Rant as much as you want, but after awhile, trying to communicate with him while he is like this will begin to take a toll and you will feel like you are loosing it too.

At first, I missed him, (He became fully hypomanic around Father's Day), I wanted to find where he was in all that confusion and negativity, I couldn't. Once in awhile, the old husband I knew would peak out, only to run back into this being that talked a mile a minute who loved me, but wasn't motivated to work on our marriage.

It hurt a lot, came out of nowhere and I was in shock. I cried, I became anxious and scared. Then, I finally stopped trying to figure him out. I still have moments of doing that, but then I try to focus on taking care of myself and my kids.

You are not alone and he will contact you again, you just need to make sure you have some boundaries to deal with his behavior while he is ill. If he had cancer, you would insist he got help, this is the same. If you don't insist he get treatment to be with you, this will keep happening and get worse each time.

Hugs,

Zengirl - thank you. I feel I am shock too and not even married to the guy. When the engagement ended he didn't contact me for over 2 months. It went from daily communcation to nothing. That was the biggest shock to me actually. Now we talk and again no communication. Just a quick note from him Monday saying "good to see you" ...really WTF?? So here I am again hurting, in shock, wondering each day "is he with someone else? Will he give someone else the love he didn't give me? Why shut me out??? Did he meet someone else? and on and on...I do NOT want to end up a wreck and now no ties not even engaged. Like I was discarded.

I am feeling very much the same way....totally discarded, thrown out like yesterday's trash. I want to know why also that someone can say they love you, but completely shut you out? I also am the only one he is shutting out right now. He has his walls completely up and is reinforcing those walls by asking me not to tell him I love him. Why? Because hearing me say that forces his walls down? If I do not say that, does it allow him not to feel what he really does feel? I feel like his heart truly wants to be here, but his head is telling him no, to fight that feeling, but I do not understand why.

Why do they shut us out?

Zoey - I feel your pain my friend! I personally have made a choice to end it. I am not married to him, no children with him and after taking a long look at the pain inflicted from him (ill or not) I am no willing to live this way going forward. I love him but love is also an action and I have seen the opposite. I would much rather feel the sting now then live a lifetime of this. I have read these posts, read several books along with knowing myself and what I can handle without losing my home, health, friends, job etc... Everyone around me is like RUN FOREST RUN (just kidding)

BIG HUGS TO YOU

Post edited by: abitlost, at: 07/20/2012 11:34 AM