Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

First at all, I am so happy that I found this group, because nobody knows what you are going through when you have got a loved person with bipolar if you are not in the same situation.

My husband and I are married since 16 years. We migrated to Australia 12 years ago. Eventhough our relationship has been great, there were always some times in between (aprox. every 2 years) where everything changed. I could never understand why, didn't know what happened. I just couldn't do anything right, he started getting up in the middle of the night, started buying things we didn't need and lots of other little things.

But 2 years ago he got diagnosed with bipolar. After reading about Bipolar I could suddenly understand what happened all the years before. At the time he got diagnosed he was already so manic, that he had to go into hospital. At that time we were separated but moved back together after 5 month. He was medicated with lithium and promised that he would take the medication. He was reasonable good for nearly 3year - then he started to not take his medication. First he just forgot to take it here and there but after a while he hardly took any. Since approx. 3 month I could feel the manic episode coming, but I could not stop it. I talked to him and tried to convince him to take his medication, but he would not.

Meanwhile we separated, but we still see each other. I really love him - but I could not stay. I am so worried about him but don't know how to help. He is a lovely person, but changes so much when he is unmedicated. He does not want to see a Therapist and does not take his medication. I have got my family overseas and I live rural with no close friends nearby.

He seems to be happy, that I have left. Now he can do whatever he likes.

I don't know what to do - can anybody give some advise? I am so worried about him.

Welcome to the group, Maya.

I don't think you can do anything to help him. He's probably not going to be reasonable while he's manic, so you may just have to let it run it's course. You can have him committed if he becomes a danger to himself or others, but other than that there just isn't much you can do.

When he crashes, which he eventually will, you may be able to get him to agree to go back on meds and maybe even see a therapist. You could make it a requirement for getting back together.

I wish I could be more helpful. Hopefully you'll get better advice from others.

Thank you Catbaloo, I think in my head I know but it hurts so much. As much as I love him I don't know if I could get together with him. There would be always the fear of him going back off teh meds again.

I think I have to try to start a new life, not sure if I am strong enough. Will try to get strength out of this group. I can feel there are lots of people that are in the same situation, some even worse off.

Thanks again.

I'm going through similar now. He left me 2 weeks ago tonight. He continues to shut me out. I am trying so hard to be strong and know he will likely return again. I am waiting for the crash. I am praying for the crash. Refused to take medications last night from what I was told from where he is staying. Hoping for tonight. Once I hear he took meds, I may be able to breathe a little easier knowing, that whenever they kick in, he may return home. I have no idea how long it takes to make him think more clearly once meds start again.

I think it depends a bit on how high or low they are. I really love my husband, but I know I can't do the ups and downs for the rest of my life, at least not if I know he does not take his meds. If he would take them, I would be there. I hope that your husband will take his medication soon, it is so important. Why don't they see it?

Take care.

I have no idea why he won't take his medication now. He is generally so responsible about this. I just do not get it. All I do is sit here and worry and wait.

Zoey2699, I know how you feel, but I think you should really try to do something. Don't just sit there. Go and see someone, do things that are good for you. You have to try to keep healthy and stay strong if you want to help him and you can just do that if you take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

I've been saying my prayers about this (there is nothing else left to do). I tried to help him. I tried to be patient, I tried to understand, I did everything but allow him to continue to abuse me. That doesn't make the pain any easier now. It won't, not for awhile. But if you can endure what you have, you can endure the pain of breaking up too.

Every time I say a prayer (about this awful situation...why me? why when I've tried so hard to choose the right men, to stay single so long, to work on myself only to find myself with a partner that is not fit for me, why why why why am I going through this and have I done the right thing, have I messed up our lives, why why why)

Every time I get back some small answers. It's not always what I want to hear. But every time I pray I get back something sane. I don't know if it's from God or from hearing myself pray it opens up the line to my heart so I can hear myself tell the truth. But I know it's helping with everything else that is healthy that I try to do to help myself.

The answers I've gotten back is he may or may not come back. It's not for me to know right now. But instead of wallowing in the sadness of not knowing and pain of him never coming back, the answer I got back is that I had to go through this now to get the help I need. I had to get my support (I started a codependency support group...and much like the bipolar I resisted this, it's not easy and it's work). I thought about not going after we broke up (only a week ago). But I drug myself there, through the pain and fear of all these new people looking at me and opening up...eventually. Letting them see me after a week of tears, not keeping myself up, my own substance abuse in the aftermath (I'm not an addict in any way but you wouldn't know it by the way I've been smoking cigarettes and taking what I can find just for the emergency relief, I'll get past it). God told me I had to help myself now. Whether it is hard for me to beleive yet or not (it's all my fault) God is not letting me buy it, maybe I'll find I made mistakes too and have to face it but likely it's not the ones I believe I made right now. Only time distance and healthy support is going to help me get the answers I need. His answers won't be right, and my sadness right now won't provide me with anything but guilt and shame for not being better for him.

I have to get myself in order in the likely event that he does come back....or as Oprah might say....he just comes back 'wearing different pants'

He will come back in one form or another if we can't figure out our own patterns.

First we have to forgive ourselves for these situations and him.

Pray, even if you never have before.

I had my first support group yesterday and it was scary and uncomfortable. I took the day off work yesterday too and had a cleaning service clean my house (and take out the garbage where his last bouquet of flowers lay).

Today was the first time I woke up before my alarm, the first morning I didn't try to self medicate my pain and went to work with what felt like the first of my load lifted off me. I also asked Jesus to share my burder with me as it's been too much to bear.

Today, this morning was the first morning I felt better. I can't say it lasted all day or into this evening. But I have to keep going, trying, praying and hoping.

I can't know the future or what he will do. I can only control what I will do. I also have to let God deal with him, as I don't have that kind of power and I already did everything in my limited power...all I can do is hope and pray for him and myself and make my own comittment to stay out of it until the time is right.

I still have a ring he gave me. The door is still slightly open. Maybe in my mind it's too unbearable to believe it's all over so I hang onto this as I move forward alone, that maybe once I'm fully over it I can let go of that maybe and right now it's just there to quiet my hurting heart.

Now I have to take care of myself, wean off the smoking, start eating healthier (or eating at all). Eventually I'll even start excercising again. I'm putting it on the calendar. but at least for the next week or two I owe it to myself to be as nice as I can to myself. To make as few demands of myself as I can (except for the demand to leave him alone). I have to stop beating myself up and give me some rest. I have to indluge a little...to learn...these boards, writing to friends, shutting out the world while I try to heal. Letting myself just be.

I have to be willing to be as nice to myself as I was to him.

Until I can do that I don't think God would let him come back to me, because it would not be in my best interests or his.

Have to keep praying. Sometimes I forget to pray. Things become too much and I find myself praying and being totally honest about how I feel (I do miss him, I do want him back, I do love him...the things I can't admit to friends because it's not logical). But God can hear it, and when I'm done I've cried and the tears are so honest I know it's from my heart. I know I've been heard and usually within a few minutes a weight is lifted from me. Not completley, no. But I feel a calm and I can hear truth, and I get answers that make sense, and seem to come from a love greater than I'm capable in my own selfish pain.

I'm going to try to write a list tonight. Of all the things he did to me or the over reactions he had to me. I'm going to try to write a list of all the bad things I've done. I'm going to compare. I'm also going to ask myself if I'm capable of the things he's done to me.

I think I already know the answers. But it might help with knowing what I did was right...finally

I'm also going to pour myself a glass of wine. And not feel bad about it.