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05/22/2012 12:26 PM

Oh help, help help!

zillaberry
Posts: 7
New Member

Where to I begin?

For four years I thought I was in a relationship with someone.

I thought we could work out our problems rationally.

I thought that he had commitment issues.

I thought he was afraid.

I thought that I need to explain things better.

I thought that he was unsure.

I thought he needed time to sort things out.

I thought he yelled at the kids because they did bad things.

I thought he hated his ex because he was a horrible person.

I thought that his yelling was because he was stressed.

I thought that is hateful name calling, projection, and wild swings between love and hate were crimes of passion.

I thought that he tried to drag me out of he bed one night when I wouldn't stop talking because we was stressed at his job.

I thought that his attempt to have me removed from the house by the police was because of his shame.

I thought that I was in danger because he thought he was in danger because of his toxic childhood.

His heroic attempts to get me back, I thought, were driven by his sincere love for me and a desire to build a future together.

I thought that he asked me to marry him because he wanted to be my husband, my partner.

I thought he bought me the rings because he wanted to celebrate our union together.

I thought that he smoked pot to have fun and feel creative.

I thought that the EMDR, shame, abuse therapy was working.

I thought that trazadone was a miracle drug because it brought my fiance back to me full time.

I thought that we had finally put all that behind us.

I thought that it was safe for me to move to another country to marry him.

I thought it was safe for me to sign a prenup.

Then I was forced to think some more.

He went on a pot binge. He went back to yelling and projecting. He told me he didn't want to have a ceremony because he didn't want to make a big deal out of it in case we break up and he looks like a two-time loser. He told me that I'm trying to control him. He screamed at me because I "interrupted him" during his day.

I went online.

Then I learned.

I learned about bipolar II.

I learned about grandiosity, the wandering eye, the reluctance to tell his family that we are engaged.

I learned about enraged entitlement.

I learned about hypomania, and that him suddenly being able to juggle everything in his life, oh, so expertly was probably a manic episode.

I learned that he has just been diagnosed with bipolar II.

I learned that his therapist doesn't think it's a good idea for him to get married.

I learned that 90% of bioplar marriages end in divorce, many when the ill person leaves in a period of mania.

I learned that by signing the pre-nup I was giving him an excellent out.

I learned that sometimes he thinks I'm helping him, and other times he thinks I'm controlling him and making stuff up.

I learned that he is delusional, not in disagreement.

I learned that we do not share reality.

He will not give up the pot even though I asked him to, and since I've noticed it amplifies the mania. He is about to start lithium, and I don't want any X factors screwing up the process of finding meds.

I have him an ultimatum. He gave me the silent treatment.

I am about to give him the boot and have the rings sent back.

BTW, this return to the disease and diagnosis happened just last week. I am in crisis.

Sad

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05/22/2012 12:42 PM
Silverlock
Silverlock  
Posts: 3234
Group Leader

I am sorry to hear about your crisis. But you are making the right move. our loved ones have to work on their condition. If they do not, if they dont want to take their meds, or stop the activities that make them unstable, then there is nothing we can do but look to save ourselves.

My wife wanted to smoke her pot, she wanted to drink her wine, she wanted to mess around with her meds. Then one day out of the blue, I found out she had gone manic while I was out of town. She went on a drinking binge and picked up a guy at the bar. She started bringing him home and having sex with im in our bed, with her Kids (my step kids) in the house. In one and a half short weeks, I lost my wife and family to a manic episode. I did not know about the possibility of a change in personality when a person goes manic. But my wife did, and she still fooled around with things she should not have.

Dont back down from the ultimatum. Remember, he will lose you. You cant look at it as losing him. You have been there for him. He needs to be there for you and himself.


05/22/2012 01:43 PM
mem2514

I second Silverlock...stand your ground and be firm and strong. You can look up my story in my profile and as I look back my biggest mistake was not to be knowledgable enough about this disease and not to have taken steps to put my foot down and say enough is enough. I was in one big denial thinking it was going to get better and things will be the way they used to be.....was i wrong!

sadsad


05/22/2012 02:00 PM
success
Posts: 67
Member

oh sadsad...if there was a dollar for each of us who said 'I should have looked it up, I should have done the research, I just kept thinking things were going to get better'.

Yep me too. Luckily it didn't take too long before mine bailed. big sigh of relief and sadness.


05/22/2012 05:50 PM
Silverlock
Silverlock  
Posts: 3234
Group Leader

I kick myself every day. I thought I knew a bit about bipolar. Extreme highs and lows right? I had no clue about personality changes that can happen to a manic person. Grrrrrr.

05/22/2012 08:13 PM
zillaberry
Posts: 7
New Member

Now he's angry with me because I pushed this on him. He's angry with me because I put my foot down about the pot. He's saying that I AM THE ONE WITH THE MENTAL ILLNESS. He's saying that his therapist thinks he is borderline bipolar. His therapist told him that the lithium can cause a lot of horrible side effects. He's accusing me of trying to get him medicated so that I can marry him and feel safe. He's saying that I am not safe to marry. He's switching doctors, now, to another psych who specializes in medication. I thought his psychiatrist was the one to do that.

I am seriously questioning my own reasoning here.


05/22/2012 08:47 PM
lifeishard
lifeishard  
Posts: 1651
Senior Member

Sorry for being blunt but I have been hurting so bad that I feel compelled to warn you. If you are not married then you have no obligation to this man and you need to end the relationship ASAP! The dating and engaged phase is a persons 'best foot forward' so if things are this terrible now, you can only expect things to get worse! If anyone ever blames YOU for their abuse (any kind) towards you you need to run the other way because why would they ever stop the abuse if they think it is your fault?

You can tell me to shove it, but I strongly urge you to leave this man and thank your lucky stars that you are not married!!

Post edited by: lifeishard, at: 05/22/2012 08:51 PM


05/22/2012 09:05 PM
zillaberry
Posts: 7
New Member

lifeishard, I will not tell you to shove it. Thanks for your feedback. I want blunt! I want truth! I want help in making the right decision!

He thinks that I was trying to trick him into taking a medication that will put his life at risk. What if he really isn't bipolar? What if I was trying to get him stable? Why should I have to insist that someone be stable and normal and not yell and scream at me when I want to ask him a question?

Oh my oh my, my whole life has been in the company of people with a variety of mental illnesses. I have been the caretaker for some of them and continue to be for one. Is it possible that I just have the kind of personality who attracts crazy people? Maybe I let all the really really really really bad red flags whiz by because I have grown up with it and I mistook love for familiarity?


05/22/2012 11:21 PM
lifeishard
lifeishard  
Posts: 1651
Senior Member

Have you thought of individual therapy to help you sort out these emotions? I find it to be invaluable! I think you may find that it really helps you process all your thoughts and emotions so you can make the best decisions for your life! It takes time to find a good therapist, but well worth it!

Keep posting, we are always here to support you! Smile


05/23/2012 03:02 AM
qtbugg21
Posts: 8
New Member

I would suggest to get out now. People with these disorders have a hard time having interpersonal relationships and you are walking into something where you will give and give and give and he will take and verbally abuse, and make you think YOU are the crazy one. I too started thinking I was crazy and saw a counselor. Turns out that the things I know and feel are the things I should trust, not what my husband says. I would give you the same advice. You are smart, capable, and deserving of someone who wants you because of the wonderful person you are. Not someone that you have to talk into marrying you. I stuck with my husband who would treat me like he couldn't live without me but the next minute wouldn't tell his family we even dated. Now we have two kids and I am learning more and more about his disease and I wish I would have gotten out back then. Love yourself, it is key. I know breaking up is hard, but trust me, a life full of confusion, pain, sadness, etc is not worth it. Good luck!
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