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05/22/2012 05:40 AM

So done with this crazy ride.

Posts: 14
New Member

I'm new here and just need some advice. The last two years of my life with my now ex (as of mother's day) have been such a roller coaster ride it's almost hard to wrap my head around and I just feel like I need some insight and support. I found out a little over a year ago that my ex was addicted to opiates. He hid it well. It was a horrible year to say the least, breaking up/making up because I would not tolerate him being on drugs around me or my daughter. He finally went to rehab last December and we didn't speak for awhile. I had no idea at the time that he was biplar. All the time we were together, he was self medicating but looking back now, even on drugs, it makes perfect sense.

He got out of rehab and I just assumed that as long as he was sober that things would be great again between us. Boy I couldn't have been so wrong. First he was put on a SSRI for OCD which was definitely a misdiagnosis. At this time I still didn't know that he was on them at first and that he was bipolar and that this would make him worse. All I knew and all I saw is that I couldn't say a word to him, voice a concern, even in the nicest way without him completely exploding on me, lying to me, isolating and withdrawing, breaking up with me and not talking to me for days or weeks until I would finally talk to him. This was the SAME behavior I had endured while he was on drugs. When he finally told me what he was on and that he stopped taking it and was starting to have horrible withdrawls and side effects, I was able to start reading on it and it all made sense. So things became normal…….well, at least for a little while.

Some time passes. We are now almost two years into our relationship and he moves some of his things into my house because he is here during the week every day. His work was closer to my house so even though he still had his place, he was living here. When he was finally honest with me and his psychiatrist and therapist about everything, it was pretty clear that he was not OCD, but bipolar. These docs were so ready to tell him to just take another SSRI which I thought was insane, given what I've read on them and the fact that they wanted to treat him that way even knowing he was bipolar. So we talked about it and I helped him find a place that specializes in the treatment of bipolar disorder and depression. He was willing to do whatever it took to try and get better. However, his treatment of me just kept getting worse. I don't get it.

The last week and a half we were together he broke up with me and moved his things out three times in a week and a half!!! The first time he couldn't sleep and started to rub my back and wake me up. I had been up for several nights taking care of a sick child and was exhausted. I told him to stop rubbing my back, I was tired and he snapped!!! Got out of bed at 2 a.m. and started rummaging through my house to get all his things to leave the house. (mind you, he lost his license due to a DUI and won't have it back for several months so his friend has been driving him to and from work and to other places he needs to go). I stop him. Of course, it's me that has to initiate the conversation the next day to understand what was going on, told him it was ok, everything would be fine, we just have to wait a few more weeks until he can get into this place to be treated and it will be ok. I feel I did nothing but support him and be understanding. Fast forward a week. He started to come home later and later. We were supposed to hang out with my mom here, he never gets here on time. By the time his friend drops him off, my mom is already gone. My daughter is at the table eating dinner and of course I'm upset. I don't yell, don't say anything mean but just say I was upset that he just blew us off. He snapped again but this time in front of my daughter. He went crazy, saying a bunch of crazy stuff, started rummaging the house again for all his belongings and calls his friend to come get him and his dog, all in front of my daughter! I tried to stop him and told him to just take an overnight bag if he wanted to leave but couldn't stop him. I didn't say anything to him for a few days. Of course, he leaves, doesn't ever apologize for days, doesn't call, doesn't do anything. I finally send him email telling him I need to get all my things from his house and the response is just “can you bring the things I left in your garage”. I was pissed off at this point. It was like he has no concern or care or anything for us even days later or any insight into what he is doing is wrong!!! He's done this so many times and then comes back several weeks later telling us how much he loves us. So several nights go by and at that point, I was livid! I sent him long email explaining what this was doing to me and to my daughter and what has happened in last year and that I was going out with my friends that night. As soon as he found that out, he literally had his friend later that night pick him up and drive him downtown to the place where he thought I would be and he found me! It was odd. It's like, ok now you care because you know that I don't have my daughter and I have some freedom to go out and be with my friends without you and live my life and so now, this is enough for you to find me and apologize, admit that everything he had been doing was wrong, admit that he even told him parents what happened and he admitted to them he was wrong??? I don't get it. This is the way it's always gone down. He will admit later that he KNEW it was wrong, but yet had no intention of apologizing or making things right. This is what really bothers me. I know he may be bipolar but that behavior just seems so abusive to me. It seems controlling and abusive.

Anyway, I know this is long and I'm sorry but it feels good to get this out of me. We talk that night. He apologizes, admits that he blew up over nothing, etc. He brings his things back. Fast forward only TWO DAYS! It's mother's day. We planned on going to our families homes. He wakes up, doesn't even say happy mother's day to me, doesn't even acknowledge it, no card, nothing. I got a little upset but of course, my life is walking on eggshells around him so I don't say anything. We're in the car and I finally mention it to him. He blew again. Said “you're not my mother” and started to get really rude. So I shouldn't have to get you a card or say happy mother's day because you're not my mother. Of course, it ended into give me your key, drop me off at my house and I'm calling my friend to come pick me up and I'm moving out. WHAT THE HELL! I finally snapped. He literally started calling his friend to come get him and I just finally pulled the car over and told him to get out at a store on the side of the road. This was the third time in less than two weeks. This is the person who has ruined every single holiday in two years since he came into my life due to drugs, mood, etc. I just couldn't take it anymore. He sat there talking to his friend in front of me LYING TO HIM about what happened right in front of me. It was crazy. He told him I got mad at him for not giving me a mothers day card eventhough he had one and I was kicking him out for no reason. It was insane everyone.

So here I am at my family's house, alone and trying to explain why he isn't with me again. I lost it that night. I did. I came home and all his things were gone. This time it has to be for good. I sent a bunch of HORRIBLE text messages to him and I feel so bad about it but I also know he just pushed me to my breaking point and most people would have been pushed there long before I was. I told him he was crazy, I hated him, etc. In the end, it wouldn't have mattered anyway. He wouldn't have apologized or been the first to try and talk. He would do exactly what he always does, leave, give me silent treatment, etc.

I am really sorry for ranting right now. I just finally am feeling a little more peace in my life for the first time in two years. It's been such a nightmare and a roller coaster ride and I'm trying to make some sense of it all. I can no longer reach out to him and I won't because I can't. He is negatively affecting me and my daughter and the older she gets the worse it would be.


05/23/2012 04:15 AM
Posts: 13484
Group Leader

welcome to the done with crazy ride talking place

we understand

we hear you

loud and clear

05/23/2012 02:06 PM
CatbalooPosts: 6921
Group Leader

Welcome to the group, Madison. You'll find a lot of people who can relate here.

05/23/2012 04:18 PM
Posts: 7
New Member

yeah i totally understand. i had the same thing happen to far as the leaving in two days in a matter of two weeks...and is still up and down.

it does feel better to vent and to know someone out there, even if its one person knows what you are going through. and its hard..becasue you love and your heart aches..

but your mind and spirit are so emotionally trampled that its almost yelling at you to stop loving. i understand.

05/23/2012 10:32 PM
Posts: 959

I think some people ( your ex) are addicted to drama. It's a way of being. It's their relationship dynamic with everyone. Ironically, he does the antagonizing yet plays the victim. He will be that way with everyone. It's abusive behavior. People who are hurting , hurt other people. But that's not a good enough excuse to try to sympathize. If he is hurting he needs to do the work and figure things out. Or not! Don't let him destroy your daughters emotional health with his antics. She is paying close attention. The ways you go about smoothing things over , your high tolerance for bad behavior could cause her to gravitate toward abusive people because she will think that's what your supposed to do when you " love " someone.

05/24/2012 02:58 AM
Posts: 14
New Member

Thank you for the replies. Its shocking to me that all of the stories I'm reading here share so many common things.

05/24/2012 04:49 AM
Posts: 3418
Group Leader

Madisonblake, you are not wrong about so many things being common. It is almost like they have to read a rule book or something before going manic. My wife likes to think she is so unique and "special". It would kill her to know how cookie cutter she is when she is manic.

05/24/2012 06:30 AM
Posts: 28

Welcome!!! It is amazing how there are so many common stories and my spouse to thinks he is super special/unique.

I am sure you will feel more support connecting with others that understand!!

05/24/2012 09:13 PM
Posts: 67

Hi All

Amazingly enough yes - the cookie cutter nature of this is true. All the same. All the same.

Given we're the sane ones, we should take the lead and do what's right for us.

05/25/2012 12:57 AM
Posts: 3
New Member

Madison, I can completely identify with everything you wrote about your boyfriend. It is a roller coaster ride, and in the end it's you who suffers the most. I took my boyfriend back after he went to jail for a dometic violence charge. There was a restraining order, he was on probation and jail really scared him straight. The peaceful, good times lasted four years--we've been together seven total including his time away.

He used to drink, due cocaine and pot. After the arrest and THREE DUIs he quit drinking and the drugs. Then, in the last couple of months he started smoking pot, and I'm sure that triggered this latest manic episode. He denies it of course. He blows up at the least little comment, gets verbally abusive, then says he loves me in the next breath. It's hell. I can't stand the chaos and instability. I suffer with depression myself, and this latest episode has made it worse. He's been staying at a hotel off and on the last week. I don't know when he's coming. Sometimes he just shows up, and the chaos starts up again. I'm ready to call it quits, but I'm 62 years old and counted on this man in many ways, not the least of which was financially, and yes, I loved him too. I just don't know if I even care anymore if he comes back or not. I've had it too and feeling very alone.

Don't do anything that endangers you or your daughter is all I can say. You and she come first. Bipolar people always, always find someone to latch on to. It's the ultimate co-dependent relationship, and they are attracted to the nurturing type. I feel like a fool in so many ways, but we go on no matter what. We're strong. Take care.


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