Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

Basically, I'm feeling extremely frustrated that there is no one who knew both my ex and I to whom I can talk to about the aspects of my ex that I so very much enjoyed.

I have come to terms with the fact that I can't save my ex from herself or her disease. I have come to terms with the fact that trying to alert anyone in my ex's life about her mental illness would be opening Pandora's Box regarding my ex's diseased brain: my ex's BP is so severe and she has such little impulse control that she might lash out at me or someone who knows me or try to injure herself if I contacted anyone in her life about her BP. As much as I want my ex to both get help and be held accountable for her lying and her emotionally abusive behavior towards me I also know that at this point no one can point a finger at me when the day comes that my ex melts down in an epic fashion. I doubt that I will ever be fully at peace knowing that I am the only one who knows about the depth and scope of my ex's mental illness. Separately, if I walk away from this situation, if I "Let go. Let God." then I will know that I cannot be blamed for my ex losing it bigtime via my shining the truth on her mental illness even if I were to do so in large part out of concern for both her and the people she will undoubtedly and eventually hurt at some point in the future.

In the end I just wish that I could sit down with someone who knew both me and my ex before she experienced the psychotic break that destroyed my friendship with her. I just wish that there was someone who would understand me when I talked about my ex's laughter or smile or kindness.

I am thankful to have this place to share my thoughts. Separately, yesterday I realized that I've come upon the one place in my healing process that cannot be healed by writing posts about my situation or going to a therapist or a real world support group.

I can live with having lost my ex. I can live with the bittersweet fact that the experience of dealing with the fallout from my ex's BP has made me a stronger and wiser person even as it has taken from me both a woman I loved and a few pounds of psychological flesh. I can try to live with the fact that I may never meet another person who gets me in the way that my ex got me.

As much healing, contemplation and learning as I've done during this process I never foresaw that I would feel so frustrated about not being able to talk to someone about the manners and nature of the person my ex so often was before her mental illness took that person away from me.

This is a weird place to find myself after 2+ years of healing. I have no doubt that I'll get past this sense of frustration. You know, I just realized that writing about how I'm feeling has in fact made me feel better about the situation. Still, it really would be nice if I could talk to someone who knew what my ex used to be like before her BP blew up.

Oh well.

Thanks for reading this. Have a good day.

Post edited by: invisiblenyc, at: 05/08/2012 08:38 AM

I hear you.

What we're dealing with is a death of sorts. But when loved ones die, there is always a ritual to celebrate who they were. A place to gather, people to gather with, to remember them and what was good.

We don't get that here. We don't get that ritual to mourn. We don't get the validation of being the 'significant other' in this person's life. Our love, commitment and dreams are all lost and forgotten - suddenly, sharply - it's a shock to the system. And no socially acceptable way exists for us to mourn.

For my part - in spite of all the pain - I have the desire to validate the love that we shared. There is a legacy he leaves behind. For me - it is the realization that there are things in my life that need to change. I've always been the sort to make excuses/put things aside. I've always wanted to contribute more, but always found a reason not to.

No more. I honour that love by taking my life and making it the best it can be. I know the man who loved me would want that. He'd want me to do my best, and be my best. And so that's what I'm going to do.

I know you're light years ahead of me in your own healing process. But I'm hoping something I've said here might help.

It's tough. Ever so often I find myself lapsing into anger and resentment. Then I remember to TRY to act from a place of love.

tell me about her, and all of yours.

Doesn't that question make you crazy?

Your words express a sentiment that is common to so many of us who find our way to this forum.

chelle: You're a sweetie. Thanks. It's not that I don't want to share with you or the board the postive things about my ex: it's just that I wish that I could talk to someone who remembers the person my ex used to be, who experienced the kindness she used to show to the people around her.

Where I'm at right now is not just about letting go of the pain and the notion of reaching out to someone in my ex's life but it's also about mourning the passing of someone who used to make me feel a lot of really nice feelings.

Your description of your daughter's behavior regarding her father was really touching.

vigilante: I can relate to what you wrote. Due to the timing and circumstances under which I met my ex she didn't get to meet some of the people in my life who have heard the most about her after the fact.

Well, when I woke up this morning I had the thought "I have post-traumatic stress." Although I've had this thought before and my PTS does not relate soley to my BP ex my thought about my PTS made me realize that my trying to to reach out to anyone in my ex's life is likely to worsen my PTS and depression and so I think that I need to come to terms with the fact that if my ex has a guardian angel who is going to help her with her BP it's not going to be me. I've got too much sh*t in my life that is demanding my attention and I've already wasted years of my life routing my existence thrugh the damaged psyches and brains of some of the people in my life.

I want to move on from my ex. I want to let go of the pain she caused me. I don't want to relapse and be hung up on my my ex. The truth is that I don't think I am hung up on her. It's just sad and painful to know that it is highly doubtful that she will ever get the help that she so desperately needs. As I wrote that last sentence I had a flashback to a photo of her in which she was smiling while at her parent's home. F*ck.

Post edited by: invisiblenyc, at: 05/09/2012 06:44 AM