Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

My soon-to-be ex husband and I have been together 11 years, married for a year and a half. He told me that his bipolar was caused by drinking and stopped so that we could stay together, further our relationship and marry - after his manic phase happened two months ago I educated myself a bit more on the condition and learned that is not the case. He kicked me out, and did a complete flip in personality. He has always controlled our finances and pretty much just informed me that he stole money from me. He won't identify on what he used the money for. He refuses to identify our current liabilities so that I can file for a divorce. He refuses to get help, get medicated, and continues with behaviors that will only continue his mania (drugs, lack of sleep, lack of good food, inappropriate relationships with women, etc.). He won't even really speak with me any more. Pretty much feels like he has used me and thrown me away. I am getting over it though, I don't want to spend my life with someone who thinks it is okay to treat me that way.

So, my question is this. Why shouldn't I just file for divorce? Is there a moral obligation to stay with someone who is this sick but who won't help themselves? I see so many people who suffer from this but who try and get help so they don't hurt those they love. Part of me feels like I should wait until he is out of this manic phase but it could be years before he surfaces, right? Another part of me wants to hire an attorney and have the soon to be ex pay for his own financial mistakes. I want to move on!!

Ultimately, I just don't want to take advantage of him and I don't want to be taken advantage of. When I made the commitment of marriage to him I meant it, but he has made it very clear that he is no longer willing to uphold his end. When do you (or did you) decide to move on, completely and fully? Any input would be appreciated.

I kind of feel like it is time to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

You have no obligation, to a man who who feels no obligation. I have been married for 18 years and have separated from my husband this month and I am filing for divorce. He has only gotten worse through the years, and he has been on many medications. None of them have made him stable. There are people who find the right medical combo of drugs and find stability, but the vast majority of them don't. Even if they do find that combo, in about 2 years it "wears off" and they are no longer effective.

I would file and not look back. The future for this man does not sound promising. Especially if he doesn't want medicine or help...yikes...not a bright future.

Many bipolar people like the manic phase. As my husband would say, "I feel like the alpha male when I'm manic." Well, to the rest of the world he just looks like a destructive ass.

Anyway, I could go on forever. File asap. You do not want to be tied financially to him, if nothing else. Emotionally, you will be glad you did.

As a side note, my husband quit drinking for 10 years of our marriage. He's picked it up again, along with illegal and prescription drugs. I cannot tell you the heartache of over 2 years of begging him to stop and then thinking my love could change him. He's cried and promised to stop, then he goes right back to it. Love is not enough. This disease is too overpowering. Many of them want to change, but they cannot. Try to go through some older posts and read stories. You'll find it interesting how our lives parallel yours. Bipolar people, I find, do basically the same things. Save yourself A LOT of suffering and go now. Don't look back just live and enjoy life...I wish I had sooner.

At a minimum, you should file for legal separation so you can get your finances separate from his. it definitely sounds like you don't want him to be in charge of your money right now.

I have bipolar disorder myself and I believe that no one is under any obligation to help me or stay with me if I am not doing everything that I can to be stable. I have no right to ruin anyone else's life with my selfish desire to remain sick. That's just my opinion of course.

I don't see any reason why you should stay with some who a) steals from you, b) makes no effort to help himself, c) won't speak to you, d) refuses to cooperate and tell you what he used the money for, e) is controlling.

Catbaloo is so right about bipolar not being an excuse to ruin other peoples' lives. In order for a relationship to work, it MUST take BOTH people working together, and it sounds like he's not willing to do that. Will he come back? Maybe. Don't put your life on hold for "maybe."

At the very least, get your finances separated from his.

Post edited by: sallyo, at: 04/27/2012 10:20 AM

Thank you guys. The week after he kicked me out I worked really hard to close the joint checking account and separate finances as much as possible.

I asked him to get on medication just so we could amicably resolve the situation, I said I would pay for medication and therapy and he just refused. He even is saying he doesn't have bipolar, it is "manic depression". I told him it is the same thing and now he just says he "has problems". He is extremely controlling, I didn't realize it throughout our relationship but I see it now. I kind of had to live the life he dictated and once I took some steps to live my own life (I went back to school) it seemed to tweak him out.

Catbaloo I really appreciate your perspective too. I have issues with anxiety and I have gotten help for it so I don't affect others as much. I just didn't know if someone in a manic phase could make a decision like that to get help. In reality though, he has known he needs to maintain medication and therapy for the past five years, regardless of what he told me. He had made the decision to not get help a long time ago. He made the decision to lie to me, over and over, outside of this one manic phase. My therapist said she thought he had some other conditions but I am forgetting what she said they were. I need to talk to her a little more about what the lies and manipulation were all about.

Thanks again guys. If anyone else has an opinion, I am still all ears.