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recovering4love Posts: 124
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It suddenly came to me that my wife could not have know me and have loved me any more than what was not there in her as a person, that the love I was living was very different than the reasons she could experience. I feel a deep loss at this revelation because it means I have been alone basically in my love dream with a skeptic, a person in loss, in misery. Her projections of life are not the sharing's of love, being one, making the most of moments. Her life is a series of dark projections and disassociation's, she has not loved....not me...not her ...not life...nothing. I have not wanted to know this or see it because I have wanted her to be like ..like..what I thought we were all like but this eventually became an overwhelming threat to her perceptions of self. The wired reactions to her growth in a family of molestation, alcoholism,abuse,neglect,abandonment,rape, are her realities and thoughts, these are her visions of life and the lack of them. She has survived hate and believed in isolation, protection, defensiveness, measuring pain, avoiding that pain, she has learned how to lie, throw away, disregard, humiliate, abandon, avoid, she is a human in hell. I married a person who was prevented from becoming a person. The arrested development caused by her family and life tree, became the synapses patterns plotted out in her brain and became her. She was prone to find the path of least resistance to her plight. I believed in other things, and did not see the reality of darkness until she tried to catch me up in her nightmare as a part for me to play. I believe Bp-polar exists and can be created in the stress of disproportional unloving development through childhood. I think a person can't be what was never developed and does through the one that was, that a series of "triggers" are set in the brain to help the child live in the environment. That these chemical producers are the culprits to the unease we see in narcissistic, borderline, and Bipolar personalities, and that the drugs slow or even block the normal developed path ways...that therapy can help a person develop new ones but the progress is only in proportion to the support given. I think these people are helpless to what was created in them by nature and nurture. The destructive force of their developed personalities can be felt throughout our world. God does not stop babies from being raped or stop the out come of said atrocities from hurting others later in life, it is given to us to make a better world and to stay warm when it is cold. It is a wonder...this life. But I am not advocating staying with a person of destructive nature who is Experiencing Bipolar or the like. Doing my best. |
