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04/16/2012 10:11 PM

Desperately seeking advice, I'm so shocked


Hello everyone!

I am new to this site and I am hoping that different insights can direct me where to go from here. I got married to my best friend and love of my life of 3 years last summer. In the last 2 months, I have lost my job, begun legal action, and my spouse changed overnight...He left for one night, came home and told me he was house sitting for a week to "figure things out". Well, he never came home. I have only interacted with him a few times since he abandoned me a month ago. I have listened to "I love you so much" "It was just never there, I never fell in love" "I love you deeply" "I love you but I'm not in love with you" "I'm not attracted to you" etc etc. It is like talking to a new person every time I do converse with him. He has turned into something I never would have expected, and I am concerned. He wanted to separate (I did not) but never acted on it, and I finally took it into my hands and packed his things and separated financially from him. He has a storage unit and is sleeping on his cousin's couch. They have a hectic life with 3 kids and I know he has to be wearing his welcome out. Everyone knows that this is not the loving, compassionate, gentle man they know and love, even his family. I know through EXTENSIVE reading that moving to a new place and marriage and job loss can trigger episodes, but he does not seem to want to come home, and I have not asked him to. At one point he said "My bipolar is cured and my depression is gone". That was my first huge eyeopener to how serious this is. We have a counseling session scheduled with a psychiatrist that has treated both of us and the only idea that has remained consistent is his need to see a counselor, even though he leans towards our marriage ending and this being all he can offer. Any advice on what I can do to help treat bipolar first, reconcile with my husband and maintain a stable, healthy relationship would be graciously accepted. Please help!


04/17/2012 03:45 AM
Posts: 7
New Member

hi bopolar guys are different from normal and they have no remoarse or regret about what they do. half the time they dont even recall properly to fight about. he will get worse not better. If you stay too long with him you will develop post tranmatic disorder and anxiety. he will not feel sorry for what he did to you. I married bipolar guy for 7 years and he left me and my kids . I met another guy 10 years later only to find out he also is bipolar after I got married him 1 year later. second time I got out of relationship quicker. I love my second husband but he hides things from me so much and I cant trust him or go back since he doesnt accept or acknoledge or even admit anything he does to me. smoking pots and history of arrest due to attcking ex girl friends and hallucination and more abnormal behaviours. I wish I could help him but to late. I got out of relationship when my doctor put me on antidepressant. thats it. no hubby is better than wrong husband

cheers up

04/17/2012 05:33 AM
Posts: 2828
VIP Member

wow , sounds more honest, must do something to ego.

Post edited by: lken, at: 04/17/2012 05:34 AM

04/17/2012 06:24 AM
Posts: 938

This disorder is no respecter of persons. It affects all of us, men and women alike.

04/17/2012 08:48 AM

It is just so out of the blue, I guess I am still in shock. He has never been this way since I have known him. I found out he stopped taking his medication and I assumed he had a horrible relapse. I'm torn because I love the man I married, but this is not him, and there is no knowing if it ever will be him again. I hate to give up, but I am unsure if I should see what counseling with our doctor produces or just go ahead and file for divorce. I have so much stress on me already, I am not thinking 100 percent clearly on anything. It is correct that he does not remember saying and doing things, and he is incapable of feeling anything for anyone except himself. He has isolated from everyone.

04/17/2012 01:19 PM
Posts: 95


There probably isn't much you can do except to continue to encourage him to get back on his medication and protect yourself. It is actually possible that he will come to some point in his (un)natural cycle when he will decide that he wants his marriage or when he realizes that he needs his medication. Sometimes people with bipolar get overwhelmed and run away and after a while come back begging to come home. He might do that eventually, but you really can't do much to speed up the process.

What you can do is make sure that you protect yourself and try to go on with your life. Try not to be confrontational with him--you can't really reason with crazy. If he insists on divorcing, go along with it. It may happen that being apart from him is the best thing for both of you and there are people who have reunited and remarried after one of these episodes so that's not impossible.

There is hope, but you do have to take care of yourself.

04/17/2012 04:41 PM
Posts: 134

I am very sorry for your situation, and as you know, there aren't any easy answers. Forfor is so right, bipolar is no respecter of persons. I've read gut wrenching stories from both men and women on this blog. It's sad that you were such good friends and now he's gone. Bipolar people do have remorse (my experience) after the havoc and mania is gone. However, it quickly fades when another manic episode comes along and they feel invincible. That must be why spouses hate the manic phase the most and the bp spouse loves it the most. It is during these manic episodes that suicides happen, legal issues "happen", financial issues happen, and relationship issues happen. I remember my husband saying to me, "You just like me depressed, because you don't like me to be happy." Uh, no, I just prefer the nice gentle sad you over the a*@hole aggressive destructive you.

Your husband will return, I'm sure. He'll be sad and may even cry genuine tears over the grief he caused. But don't get too comfortable, because this ugly side of him will return as well. Thus is life, living with a bipolar spouse. Not fun, not pretty, and not safe in many many cases.

My husband has nearly destroyed our lives in his last manic episode which ended Easter evening. The next morning he was admitted into the Psych Hospital and he is still there today. He is very remorseful. He is crying and begging for forgiveness. He'll get it, and even some sympathy. He just won't get us back. Not this time.

04/18/2012 07:05 AM
chelle005Posts: 2620
Group Leader

Hi , there is nothing you can do.Even though you want him to take his meds he has free will. Yes it stinks. Just hang in there,take care of you, get a good divorce attorney and prepare. It may not come to that but try to think one step head an always remember to protect yourself,financially, physically emotionally etc. I know it is so hard to lose your best friend. Been there done that,still mourning that.

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