Hi, I am new to these groups and for some reason I found this place and have been reading about all the challenges for BP's and their spouses. I hope my story may help others. My husband and I are in the 10% who hang in there for their marriage and kids - no matter what. It is very hard to hang in there - I believe we are both still just trying the best we can.
One day, about 4 months after the birth of our 3rd child (18 years ago); I could not sleep anymore. I was awake for 2 weeks straight and completely "gone" - there were no symptoms that I can recall specifically. My family informed me after I got better; stuff that I cannot repeat on here. Anyway, my husband did not know what to do and finally took me to the emergency room.
Once he got me to the hospital - I had another sort of breakdown. Next thing; chained onto a gurney with the ambulance doors closing and that was the last time I saw my husband. I was sent to some facility and locked up in a "padded" room. I did not know who I was and I believed I was in purgatory (Catholic upbringing) because I thought I had died.
Unfortunately for me, it took them 3 months to come up with a BP/schizophrenic diagnosis and the right "cocktail" of meds. My husband (in the meantime) was told that he may never see me again due to the severity of my condition and my mental collapse. Truly, frightening for the both of us. I thought I was having some sort of "death" experience. He thought he was going to lose his wife forever.
I decided to write about this to give you the reason why we think we are still married. We both thought that we were never going to see each other ever again. Once we were back together; we realized how lucky and blessed we were and still are now. For that I am truly thankful.
My husband and I have been battling this illness together as best we can. I have had 7 years of therapy with a "miracle" therapist and my notebooks to keep me together. I have been on my meds the entire 16 years since the birth of my last child. I still want to get off of them from time to time; but, I do not dare to.
I experience depression, insomnia and self-esteem challenges every single day. I just retired due to this illness and I am now a full-time mom. My kids are mostly grown now and sometimes I feel as though I have lost my credibility as a parent.
All I can say is as being the BP wife in a "working" marriage; I know that these "moods" and "feelings" can be controlled. It literally is a full time job to do every single day. The energy it takes to monitor yourself is a discipline that I continue to work on. The one symptom that is the worst to control for me is my spending sprees. I am on a "money" diet again and I am trying desperately to learn how to not experience that "want everything right now" thinking.
I am still working on this and would appreciate anyone on here who has a handle on it. This particular BP challenge with the financial burdens that I have placed on my family from time to time has been the down side of our marriage. It causes trust problems, etc. If anyone has more success on controlling their spending and know how to help their spouse with keep finances in control or any ideas would be great.
I am impressed by the many stories of strength and determination on the part of the BP or spouse with so many of these stories. There are many here as BPs who experience denial, etc. on one side to others who are doing their best to stay on meds and keep healthy. I have been one who was not aware of the damage I could conflict with the "whip of my tongue". Over time, keeping a journal, therapy and staying on meds is what helps for me.
If anyone with BP has any parenting tips? that would help too. It seems to be a struggle for me from time to time. If anyone is a BP and has a spouse with cancer - this is where we are at now.
About 3 years ago my husband was diagnosed with lymphoma. I am thankful that he is doing well and responding positively to therapy.
I have a fear in me where I cannot control some of my lightning speed thought patterns. It is awful and so difficult. I feel guilty that perhaps my illness caused him so much stress all these years. Did my illness ultimately affect his health to evolve into his illness? The guilt swallows my thoughts now and the sense of worthlessness, severe depression and just not being a good enough wife to him haunt me every day.
I actually feel like deleting everything I just wrote; perhaps, this is not the time to reach out. But, rather, read, learn and listen.
I am still trying.
