Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

My partner of 12 years is father to my 2 children of 8 and 10. We have suffered really since soon after the children were born. I have been tortured to see this man who I love so much become a monster, never knowing from one week to the next what is going to happen.

At first he suffered from panic attacks and depression. But two years ago I worked out for myself that he could be bipolar. I talked to his psychiatrist who agreed, and put him on Seroquel as well as anti-depressants. In a year nothing has changed. There is a lot of shouting and abuse, just losing control very quickly over litle things, and terrible impatience with the children especially over homework when he ends up being rude to them and belittling them. Its so terrible because most of the time he is a great Dad and very involved in the house and family. The final straw one night was having escaped to my sons room, the kids were asleep he started prowling downstairs and shouting about what a bitch and a shit I am...!

Actually I think I'm a pretty nice person, hard working mum, intelligent, caring etc.. and I dont really deserve abuse like that. So the next day I took the day off work, packed a suitcase for me and the kids, and moved into a local residence. I couldnt believe how easy it was. The kids have been cool because we are so near home and school still, so not much has changed for them, and they have spent a couple of nights back home with their Dad.

I have told all my close friends and family and they are all supportive of me, and most tell me to stick to my guns and not go back, but I feel lonely, sad, terrified, shocked............can there be a better life the other side of this?

Cmjo,

I have to commend you for your bravery! I have been separated from my husband of 5 years for just two weeks now, and I am still an emotional mess. Like you described your friends and family, all of my sources of support tell me how proud they are that I have finally left, and to stick to my guns. My husband and I have two beautiful boys together, ages 3 and 4, and while he does participate in home and family, he constantly struggles with depression and anxiety, attributed to bipolar and PTSD. My husband is a disabled veteran, rated at 100%, and heavily medicated through the VA.

I finally decided to leave when I realized that my role as wife took more energy and time than my role as mother, student, and employee combined. My life has been caring and placating him. For about a year now, I have struggled with an overwhelming sense of numbness; I could no longer take it when I realized that even the joys of being a mom to my two boys brought little happiness. I felt dead inside.

He is not physically abusive. But he has lied, manipulated, and hurt both myself and my family members countless times. There is no boundary where he ends and I begin, so separation has been incredibly tough!

If you don't mind sharing, I was wondering, during the course of your relationship, had you considered leaving him? How do you stay strong, trust yourself, and not go back?

Thanks,

C. S.

Post edited by: cstark, at: 04/01/2012 10:37 AM

CS thank you so much for your reply. I think we are in the same boat. Maybe you are braver than me because you left earlier. I desperately did not want to break up the family or take the children away from the lovely house we lived in where they grew up. But he refused to go, it is "his" house because his father built it. So I had no choice.

The main problem was the anger tantrums and then long periods of silence and no communication, every night he would sit on his bed staring into the laptop. Then one night the abusive ranting made me think, this has happened so many times, its never going to stop unless I do something.

It was actually much easier than I thought, the children seem to have accepted it all very quickly though my son, the younger one is more anxious about the future. My daughter, who suffered a lot of stress from her father's anger in my opinion, does not want to talk about it, but I sense that she is relieved...though they both love their daddy when he is in a good mood!

Your questions, yes in the relationship I had thought of leaving but could not cope with the idea of caring for the children by myself, financial problems, hurting the kids, me being even sadder if I left than staying....another aspect is that I am English and my partner is Italian, and we live in Italy. I do love it here though and am convinced I would never want to go back to the UK or separate the kids from their dad or Grandparents here.

I am so sad and crying all the time, and I miss him terribly now, but I just dont want to go back, I think there is just too much history now, and I dont believe he can change enough to make me happy, but if he really started getting the right treatment, stopped drinking alcohol and started to lead a positive happy life then I would just be happy to see him better. I would like to stay close to him, as long as he doesnt lean on me to help him, he has become a hermit and needs to find other support from friends as its too heavy a burden for me.

Please keep in touch as we are both going through the same thing C xxx

YES YES YES it will get better.once you stop craving the chaos rush,get settled in your own little place, find yourself again yes.

My older kids are so happy and free now. No more verbal abuse.it will be hard at first. the easiest way is no contact. that way you will not get swept up in the drama.

Thanks Chelle, maybe it will get better but I cant see my way out of the "chaos rush". I have written to him to explain why I left and asked him to stop drinking, change doctors, and try to get better, but I havent said that I would go back. And he hasnt asked. He just replied saying that he gets angry because I provoke him and treat him like a dog with no respect and he doesnt feel like a man. I am in the UK now away for a week with my kids and family around me. When I go back its going to be tough. I know exactly what CS said, I dont know where he ends and I begin. We have been so wrapped in each other for 12 years, I cant imagine life without him. I gave up my life for him and moved to Italy. I am heartbroken now.

cmjo

i am sorry that you were abused

it is not your fault.

Nearly three weeks has gone by now, I feel worse and worse. The day after tomorrow we go back to Italy and I will have to see him.

The letter I wrote him backfired.

I havent answered his angry reply.

He posted on Facebook " Happy Easter to everyone and best wishes for the resurrection and new life...!

That broke my heart. He is just saying ok leave then Im better off without you!!

Go no contact with him for now. it will just fuel the mania. Do you haveto go back to italy now can it wait

cmjo,

urrrghhh i posted you a really long post, but it didnt post and deleted it. but ill try and give you the jist of it. i was in the same situation, abuse. it is scary to think of your life without them.

even though no contact seems impossible, its like a diet for your body when you give up soda or chocolate, the return does come.

im telling you i had one month of no contact and IT WAS GREAT, but then i let him back in and it all went down hill fast.

i spent the last week being nice to mine and like clock work he snapped called me every name in the book, said i disrepect him, yada yada.

i said to my therapist it looks so bad to leave him in this second divorce, he said it looks bad to STAY.

i kept my life pretty private, now that is out EVERYONE TELLS ME TO LEAVE.

its okay to worry, you have to go through the stages shock, anger, depression and acceptance. i am so hoping for acceptance.

i had to lay the law down yesterday after he threatened to leave me alive but come after my family, now mind you my husband is in the military and does kill people.

i basically said LEAVE ME ALONE, dont wave or smile if you see me. i told him he was evil and that he had never come after anyone i loved. i can not allow him to threaten my life anymore.

its like if i am nice he bullies over me, but if i am mean he is a kid and nice??WEIRD.

so i dont know if he got it or not, but im tired playing with rambo on one day and a monk the next day. he cycles so fast, drinks, and quit docs and meds, but wants me to be his friend through this separation.

he is OUT OF HIS MIND, and i am out of my mind to ENTERTAIN HIM .

Thank you so much very very useful to hear this. I do have to go back to Italy tomorrow, the kids go back to school and I work.

It is useful to hear this today because today we spoke on Skype, he said when do you get home tomorrow can I come and pick you up? I said I am going back to the hotel, he said why, just come home. I said you didnt even answer my letter or any of the conditions and questions about your behaviour.

Later he emailed me again and said please bring the kids home to their house, and our house, but I wrote back and said no, I dont believe things are going to change. I feel so STRONG!!!!!!!!!