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05/04/2012 04:57 AM

Whether to go into a BP relationship?(page 6)

Posts: 67

I saw a line in a book today 'Healing is the process of accepting all, and choosing best'.

Invisiblenyc: Slowling realizing, you are right...I will never really understand. I have to bring myself to a place of acceptance of what's happened. And then choose to move forward and turn this experience into something that impacts my future in a positive way.

The gym - yes. I know that I will feel better once I get back in shape. I'm not terribly out of shape, but even 8 weeks of pregnancy tends to change the body a bit, I find.

I'm also looking into a volunteer opportunity today (not related to mental health) because I know that volunteering has a healing effect on my soul.

And I'm finally getting back out and socializing.

The more I move forward into positive things, the more I can see the gift in his leaving. I know I'm certainly a more loving and compassionate person for having known him. Loving him brought out the best in me, and for that I'm grateful.

I have positive thoughts for him this morning. Teeny tiny positive I hope he' able to find some stability and some sense of peace.

thewarisover: I'm so sorry for your pain. How are you planning on moving forward?


05/04/2012 11:08 PM
thewarisoverPosts: 314


to answer your question on how am i planning on moving forward:

i have been meeting with a chaplain and therapist weekly.

i go to the gym, yoga and ballet every week.

i dont have any friends here but i have been going out of state to visit my family more often.

i have been taking care of medical appointments and getting rid of old furniture.

i distance myself from my husband, because any contact i have with him sends me over the edge and i start to not work on me and just not sleep.

i went and got on meds for when i started to become very depressed and just didnt leave the house. that gave me the push to finally start packing the boxes.

i come on here and post.

i tell myself the lords prayer on accepting the things i can not change and the saying "when u know better, u do better"

my husband has been gone almost six months and he is not better, only getting worse.

i have to make me a priority even though my life was taking care of him, as my chaplain says u dont have to carry that anymore.

i have decided that even though i love him and i miss the guy he used to be, that is no longer and he wont get help so i can not put myself in danger and just wait for him to end his life. he left me, and i waited for his return.

he told me "life goes on". so for him this is nothing. for me it was everything.

i deserve a good guy to love me and not call me horrible names one day and then the next day say im the wife of the year. i used to ignore the bad, but the bad became more than the good. they say when u have to give up who u r to be with someone then u let them go.

he let me go because he didnt want to be the sober, medicated, guy.

05/05/2012 02:06 AM
Posts: 1651
Senior Member

Good for you...your activities and thinking all sound VERY healthy!

"...not call me horrible names one day and then the next day say I'm the wife of the year." WOW that really hit me...that happened to week he said we had the best marriage, he was comfortable with me, he would always be with me and the next week he said we were getting a divorce and I was "the worst wife ever"!

05/05/2012 06:44 AM
Posts: 67

Thewarisover: Really great steps forward. It takes a lot of effort to do what you're doing, and I know it's hard. Do you feel even a little bit better as time goes by?

Yu've clearly made the right decision, and I send you strength so you can keep going and maintain 'no contact' as much as possible. You deserve better. You deserve stability! Hug!

I have seen people say that it's one of those things you will just have to learn to live with. Because you will never understand. That frightens me. Whenever I've had something traumatic happen in my life, I have always gone back, taken the lesson from it, and made peace with it.

Sure there are BIG lessons here...but I just don't know how to make peace with it, you know?

It's been almost 3 weeks no contact. The dreams have started. I dream about him almost every night. Sometimes he's being his amazing side, sometimes he's being distant. Last night I dreamed we got weird.And painful. I feel so, so, so sad this morning but I have NO desire to contact him.

I don't want to be back in the relationship, on that I am clear. Having spent time on this forum, I see now that 'stable ever after' would likely never have happened. He's 47 and it seems his symptoms are getting worse, as he is medicated and is seeing a therapist (imagine him not on meds - wow).

So I bless and thank everyone on here who has delivered that clarity.

Invisiblenyc: you mentioned you cut out alchohol. I had a glass of wine last night after about 9 weeks of no alcohol in my symptom. I feel like garbage this morning. What are the benefits you're seeing after you cut out all alcohol? I'm considering doing the same. Maybe having a drink once a month, or less.

05/05/2012 10:26 PM
Posts: 11502
VIP Member

Warisover, I too am very happy to see your progress. You have come a long way and should be VERY proud.

05/06/2012 05:28 PM
Posts: 22

A month has almost passed since I ended things with my bp ex. More than a month since I started this thread. I think now it's time for me to leave this forum, for a while at least, to help me let go and not keep circling around the same questions or keep fuelling the pain.

I will forever be grateful for the kind support and help I have received here. I can't express how much it has meant for me to have you to turn to and I wish for you all to find a peace of mind and happiness.

Thank you!

05/06/2012 08:09 PM
chelle005Posts: 2604
Group Leader

Denver, I am glad that you are in a better spot. We are always here for an update or a hug. Stay strong and healthy.

05/18/2012 10:09 PM
thewarisoverPosts: 314


i do feel better as time goes by, however if i get a text or an email or any contact with him i will lose sleep or think of sad things. the meds have helped tremendously. i have plans to stay on them until we are divorced, i need all the help i can get until this rollercoaster is over.

its been six months and ive spent maybe six hours with him. he on some days is a monk, quoting the dahli lama, and on some days rambo and says he is still in the desert, and other days he is monotone, emotionless and treats our marriage like a "business transaction and says he is a professional". It is very hard for me, its ground hog day all over, but for him it is a brand new day.

i keep this one text he sent me, i found it in my phone. it sums up my marriage and bp. he told me that the illness keeps him from me and that i have a chance to be free. he gave me money so he says so i can "fly" and be the eagle i always was. he says that his mind turns me into the enemy in his mind, he sees it happen. that to me is very dangerous and i hear him telling me "run from the monster". so its like there is a hint of love saying GO, i will drag you down, you dont deserve this.

but then i sit and think, get proper meds, stop the self destruction. but you know what there is no guarantee he will be on the right meds for the rest of his life, what kind of life would i share with him? being that he has been to war and is still in military?

so some days i feel sorry for him, but soon i feel he will forget me. he tells me he will never forget me and that he misses me.

but i guess i should be happy, that he didnt hurt me and i got out alive. but then again it is sad that he let things get so out of hand and destroy my marriage.

you just have to do things in steps. ive had six months of time alone, and before that he went a little off july of last year and for sure off oct, nov time frame.

i forget the mess, and my family and friends remind me of what my life was with him and how unhappy i was at the end.

its like we think of the good times, and try and forget the bad. and they on the other hand try to exponentiate the bad times and FORGET THE GOOD.

05/19/2012 05:14 AM
Posts: 67

Hi warisover.

Interesting re the text message you shared. My ex and I went to his therapist together on Saturday (he ended things the following Sunday). The therapist told me that on Friday night before, my ex sent him an email saying `I feel like if I stay with her, I will ruin her life and the baby`s life too`.

OK I get it. But like you, I know there are many people who successfully manage their symptoms and do the responsible thing.

On the one hand I think - ok maybe there was something genuine, some real love, and in being cruel, he actually did me a huge favour (long term, this is the approach I will take to get me over it)

On the other hand I think - it was an excuse. Managing symptoms and being in a relationship are harder than running away - and like everything, he took the easy way out. Running from his marriage, claiming bankruptcy and defaulting on his financial responsibilities to the govt and banks, and he even remarked that if he cant pay back his parents, then they will just take the money out of his inheritance. Read: you`re not seeing that money again, mom and dad (and we`re talking over 100K)

As for being the eagle you always were - I`m sure that`s true. I`m betting being with him forced you to become a shadow of your former self. I know I certainly did - socializing less, barely seeing friends, cancelling plans at the last minute, leaving engagements because his mind started buzzing etc.etc.etc. Not making plans because never sure what he`s going to feel like. Also not making plans because he couldn`t afford them. Does any of this sound familiar.

We`re all in this together. Its`great to feel the support emanating from these pages.

I know that you and I ARE better off. You`re right - he could have been on meds and then suddenly snapped in his 50s or 60s. Then what

05/19/2012 11:08 PM
thewarisoverPosts: 314

Success what a great name. It will keep you focused on positive things.

It does sound familiar. I couldn't handle stress at jobs and quit two of them while married to him. He would tell me not to complain about work or to just quit.

I'd never win with him. If we went plcaes he would complain that everything wasn't perfect.

I made no new friends but like one and she moved to the west coast.

I basically wrapped my life around his.

Made my life on what he wanted and needed.

Codependent. Yes we all need each other on here.

I enjoy pm. I ck it daily you are welcome anytime.

I've got friends on here that are like very good friends and I've never met them but their friendship is priceless


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