Bipolar Spouses Online Support Group

invisiblenyc - you are so right. I'm not healed yet. And yes, now would likely be an inappropriate time to volunteer in the mental health field.

Thanks for the perspective - truly.

Moved one step forward - made it back to the gym today.

hi, I'm new here. need people to talk to because non of my friends or family know that my boyfriend suffers from Bipolar Mania. He is on meds...and I have yet to see any symptoms. but I'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around prior incidents that occurred before we were together. Sometimes it seems that he's not telling me the whole story. Or should I say pieces of story are given to me, but in increments when these discussions rear their ugly little heads. Is it possible that he may not always remember details or is he downplaying the situation?

any info would help

Absolutely. My husband has bipolar I and his memory is fuzzy about what he has done (some selective, some real). He would also downplay anything that had happened. Remorse is not something he would consider: he could never wrap his mind around why his getting drunk/smoking pot/staying out until morning/acting like an ass - affected me at all. In his mind he wasn't "hurting" anyone. He would just mean physically, because he was an as*clown.

Hi radiance08

There are a few people on here with more knowledge and experience than my own, and I'm sure they will pipe up soon enough.

For my part - my ex BP SO had been medicated for 10 years. He is 47 so I guess he was formally diagnosed in his late 30s, but he suspects he had symptoms for much of his life.

Even on meds, he did questionable things. Once he called and broke up with me at work, and then said some strange things to me when I tried to reason with him. He claimed later that he didn't remember the incident. He cycled often, even on the meds. He said he as taking them every day - I didnt count his pills, but I do believe me, as he kept a stash at my place and was constantly re-filling.

I think maybe there are time they forget. I think maybe there are times they choose to hide behind the disease.

Read some of the stories on here. Maybe give us more details about these particular situations. I will say this (and forgive me if I offend anyone) - if you are able to remove yourself from this relationship now, it may be wise to do so. For the most part, the going is very very difficult. If you ever want to raise kids in a stable home/financial stability/some sort of normal life...rather unlikely you'll have it with him, as there is no cure. Only management

There are people who manage their symptoms and lead a relatively ok life...but it's a wildcard. And the stories you see on here are a great example of what could go wrong.

For my part I'll say this - given my short lived but devastating experience, I would not go back there again if I had a choice. And if a friend was in a similar position, I would give them the details of my own experience and encourage them to end the relationship.

Its up to you and the heart wants what it wants. The good news is, you have people to support you here. No one will judge you. And people on here 'get it' because we've been through it in some form or the other.

BP is a illness that will destroy lives. I am with a BP for 35 years . Had been aware of his illness for 15 years. This does not go away its a very diffucult life to lead. you stop being who you are so that you can give your total support to someone who can't do it themselves. I have been thru hell and its never ending . His thinking his personality is not the man I married 35 years ago. He is not abusive physically but mental is more of the way he is. He is obsessive with me I never had this problem but I go to work and come home everyday to make sure he is ok. I have no life outside this relationship due to his personality . All our old friends do not want to be around him . He has a cycle he goes thru almost every month. manic to depressed to sleep. He can be the sweetest person then he can be the biggest jerk you will ever meet. Please remember BP does no go away and in most its very hard to keep managed it takes lots of work and most are not willing to keep it up. I would never do this again and if I had not been with him before this happened and knew the guy he was I would not be with him but its been 35 years and i feel like I am the only one he has no one else will help him if i was not here I seriously think he would be dead or in prision. Somehow I feel like i keep him at least mostly sane. The last year has been rough and I am reaching a point of not knowing if I can keep it up I am seriouly considering counsling for myself it takes a great toll on you as a person . Good luck

Hi All

As I inch through the healing process, there are so many things I don't understand:

1. He was on meds. He claimed he was stable. HOW could he have had such intense symptoms while on meds?? Wellbutrin, Lamotrigine and Seroquel.

2. Before we got together, I know he drank socially maybe 2-3 times a week. He'd drink maybe 2-3 glasses of wine, or martinis - never seemed to be drunk. Didn't realize he was self-medicating. But once we got together, he cut off alcohol, caffeine, tobacco and reduced sugar. Started keeping regular sleep schedules. Told me he wanted to 'get better' so we could have a stable life.

3. He sees his therapist regularly - frankly, the more I think of it, the more he's the poster child for 'well managed bipolar'. HOW can his symptoms be so out of control when he's on meds and in therapy?

4. Financially, he's a mess. About 400K in debt and has just filed for bankruptcy. His poor ex wife has to sell the house, due to his bankruptcy claim. I wonder if he'll be able to pay her alimony. HOWEVER - he's an extremely successful salesman - last year made 285K (showed me the paperwork). HOW can he be so high functioning with bipolar? He's well regarded in his profession.

5. He spent on random items before he met me. Went on shopping sprees, drove a car he couldn't afford. Once we got together, he stopped spending, as far as I could see. In fact once, he bought something for our home that we didn't really need. I gently asked him if he could return it, because we were saving for a vacation, and he happily complied and thanked me for understanding him and treating him with respect. What the heck happened??

6. The week before he dumped me the following took place in his life:

- Decided to file for bankruptcy (him, not me. Finances totally separate so I am not impacted thank god)

- Had to trade in his high end german luxury automobile for a nice - but not quite high end - Japanese car (note - that car was the only thing that man him feel like a man, I think. It was integral to his identity)

- Had to let go of his assitant as he couldn't pay her anymore

- Found out I was pregnant - he already has 2 other children with his ex. (I know he feels he failed as a dad to his 2 girls.)This was a HUGE shock as he had a vasectomy over a decade before.

I guess this could have all triggered a massive episode that caused him to dump me and run out of my life, never to return. However, at some point, doesn't it wear off? Don't people come to their senses and then realize what they've done? Don't they then have a conscience an apologize?

He has been randomly dropping off my things at my concierge - so I know he's rational and functioning. He is able to drive to my condo, drop off my stuff, but he is not able to send a simple 'I'm so sorry I hurt you, I'm so sorry our baby is gone'.

I don't get it.

On any given day...no one would ever know he has an illness. It's NEVER something that is on my mind...at all. But in the last couple months, the 2-3 spats we've had stem from past incidents that could affect our future: i.e. getting a better job, renewing his license, etc. every time, some new info hits me square in the face. He was so honest and open about his illness when we began dating. I did some research, asked questions and had to determine if I wanted to continue to see him. But with new info, comes more questions from me. I speak calmly, allow him to say his peace, but of course, it begins to take on a different tone. Todays early morning "discussion" turned and since 7 am... I am without a significant other. He's packed up and left once before, but came back within the day, I'm not so sure this time. I ask him questions so that I can be informed about the disorder, but I guess that was a mistake. I've been thinking to myself, was there something else I should have done, or another way I have approached it. I'm still trying to understand a little better how their psyche works.

Ms. Naive????

radiance: Welcome to the board. I am sorry for your pain.

success: Regarding your last post:

1) Triggers. Trigers. Triggers. re: what recently went down in your ex's life before he ran out on you.

2) You wrote: "He has been randomly dropping off my things at my concierge - so I know he's rational and functioning. He is able to drive to my condo, drop off my stuff, but he is not able to send a simple 'I'm so sorry I hurt you, I'm so sorry our baby is gone'."

Regarding the underlined part of what you wrote, stop and think about what you wrote and then contrast it with the fact of where you wrote it. So, no, your ex is not rationale and he's functioning only in regards to what it takes to keep his life from falling apart/dealing with his BP.

In respect to the duality of the behavior of a person/brain with BP check out this post that I just wrote in another thread.

BTW, it's good to hear that you made it back to the gym. It took me 2 years after my BP ex melted down to start taking care of my body again.

Today is my 40th day without alcohol. In some ways I feel so much better than I did 6 weeks ago.

Post edited by: invisiblenyc, at: 05/03/2012 02:00 PM

bipolar won with my husband and marriage, too. i always say to him "you win". no one is happy.

I saw a line in a book today 'Healing is the process of accepting all, and choosing best'.

Invisiblenyc: Slowling realizing, you are right...I will never really understand. I have to bring myself to a place of acceptance of what's happened. And then choose to move forward and turn this experience into something that impacts my future in a positive way.

The gym - yes. I know that I will feel better once I get back in shape. I'm not terribly out of shape, but even 8 weeks of pregnancy tends to change the body a bit, I find.

I'm also looking into a volunteer opportunity today (not related to mental health) because I know that volunteering has a healing effect on my soul.

And I'm finally getting back out and socializing.

The more I move forward into positive things, the more I can see the gift in his leaving. I know I'm certainly a more loving and compassionate person for having known him. Loving him brought out the best in me, and for that I'm grateful.

I have positive thoughts for him this morning. Teeny tiny positive thoughts...like I hope he' able to find some stability and some sense of peace.

thewarisover: I'm so sorry for your pain. How are you planning on moving forward?