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03/10/2012 11:19 AM

My last 6 years.

chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

I know that most of you know my story from the various posts but I have never fully put it out there all together. I thought this might help me.

I met my ex in a whirl wind romance. He loved me so much. Could not be apart from me. When we were not together physically he had me on his blue tooth. He could just not bare to be away from me.....What I look back and see now... he was manic and the chaos in his head scared him. He felt safer with me there breathing in his ear,self calming.

Same ol same ol, four years of lots of ups and downs. Learning how to control me, No more manics just lots of ups and down. I put it off as romance changes in time and he was more comfortable with me now and that is why he was not as much fun. But we did love each other very much. We had and still have a strong bond.

Year 4, had a baby. Major depression set in. I felt like it was because he did not love me, I gained weight,he did not love our baby. I asked him after several months of just going to work and then surfing the web all night to go to the dr. Our little one was hospitalized the same day as his appt. He went and got abilify to add to his current antidepressant. He went manic. I was at the hospital for a week with our daughter. He did not come to visit her once.He verbally abused my children from my first marriage. Called my 5th grader a worthless piece of sh#$ and he would take a belt to her next time she disrespects him. (she did not see his car after school to pick her up and then he made her walk home) He called my 9th grader a f$%^ng F@gt wife beating piece of sh#$ who will end up in jail. He would not cook for our children or let them eat anything in the house. He shut off the cell phone for my children so they could not call me. Finally they called me from school. I had been unable to call them because my charger had died and our cell phones were still a long distant number from the hospital.I was appalled. I had no car to go home in and he would not come get me and stay with her so I could go home and take care of my other children. I found a friend that they could stay with until I got home.

When we got home, my daughter had a tube feed.He kept flirting with the home health nurse who was very unattractive. He pulled my daughters tube feed out whenever he saw her. He said she was just fine and did not need it. He continued to drink a bottle of whiskey a day. I found several empty bottles when we got home.

Several days and fights later he left and went to a hotel. He came back the next day with a moving truck and 2 police officers. He emptied out the house. He took everything. The only thing he left behind were the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Go figure, he does not know what a dishwasher is. He took the baby's crib even though I bought it, he took my breast pump that I needed to put breast milk in the tube feed, my bed everything. I told the police who were standing there that some of these things were mine,but they said to take it up with the judge. I hope he enjoyed pumping those big man boobs of his. Asshat. He emptied out our bank account. I had no pump and money for formula. I went to his rental to ask for money. He told me to go to fn Wal mart and steal a can. Things got ugly and the police were called. I was bruised. The police did not care Told me to go get welfare so I would not have to contact him again.

6 weeks later,he started texting me. Wanted to see our daughter. It took a lot of time,but I eventually took him back. He had made some major financial mistakes and we needed to take care of them together. Needless to say,it is still not taken care of and he owes me 20k. During this time we remained in separate households for 4 months. He lost our home and so we all moved into the rental.

I miscarried in Sept.He was awful. He told me to" flush it down the toilet" when i wanted to bury the baby. Eventually we did bury the baby at our favorite camping spot.

Nov he turned 50.He kicked me and the kids including his own daughter out of the house because I wanted to take him out to dinner to our favorite restaurant.It was cold and snowy. We stayed at a friends house for a month. 3 days after he kicked me out he starting texting for me to come home now. He missed me. bs you kicked me out When the sweet did not work, he called and text vulgar things. Told me he put a tracker om my phone and he knew where I was at all times so i better not be fn someone. There is a camera on the phone also so I know what you are doing. Dumb me still did not know mental illness.

I looked for a home Nov.Dec we went back to him.Continued to look for my own home. we worked things out again and I got pregnant again. I spent Christmas out of state with my mom. He did the usual bipolar holiday thing.When we came home I told him I was pregnant again. He was very excited,then i miscarried again.

He was going to continue his lease on the rental until his son graduated High school in May then move in with us. He was always with us at home and things were looking good again.Valentines day, he made a special dinner,roses,flowers cupcakes,diamond necklace etc. It was a beautiful night. We watched our daughter toddle around the new living room. He told me again how much he wanted a son with me. He begged me. That night little man was conceived. All was good for a few weeks then I saw the look again. I knew IT was coming. whatever IT was. Now I know manic. He fought it. I have to give him credit,he fought it really hard,but in the end it won . It took him over. That morning he drenched the bed with sweat. There were puddles. I did not know anyone could sweat so much. He rolled over for his morning loving. I said no. I had morning sickness and he smelled disgusting. He raped me. Told me to just shut up and lie there. He would do all the work. I cried silent tears. He was gone.

He did not leave quietly. He took me to court to get a dna for our daughter so he would not have to pay child support,stole my car, stole more things. Harassed me daily via email because he shut off my cell phone,then told me to get a new phone so he could text me. He made my life a living hell. Told people the baby was dead,etc.My ob wanted me to go underground. I would have to leave my family forever. my bruises were awful. my kidneys were damaged from the beating.Finally his mother came to town and it stopped.I guess she already knew what IT was. She was worried I would file rape charges.

I found his wife's autopsy report. I also found several papers. She transferred the money from the sale of his house to her mothers account.Over 100,000dollars. 2 weeks later she was dead. He said she was trying to kill him, but it backfired. I think he killed her. I have no proof, just what I know about him. His use of projection.He went after me with a vengeance for 6k. In a mixed episode he can be homicidal. I am lucky to still be here.

I then found you here and you have helped me more then you know. I thought I would die. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy.

I am staying strong. I will not let him see me or the children without the rules and may not even then. He is gone.He thinks his baby is dead,that the devil talks to him,that his cars talk to him. I do not know if a brain so severely damaged can come back. I go between complete hatred for It, pity for IT and love for him. He can hide it from others for a while, but I know eventually he can not hide it. He has had a string of new girls,fiances whatever. They think he is the best thing since sliced bread. He will never get the help he needs.So here I am,less then a year from a major breakup a c section and another surgery picking up the pieces,running a family on my own and he is engaged. New girl must be very desperate and low self esteem to know a man is a liar,cheater, deadbeat,and engaged to her in less then a year.

What i have learned is that my ex is bipolar1. He is in full psychosis and can not remember much of anything. I am learning that it is not my fault. I did not cause this,I can not cure this and I must move on to happier and healthier things. I have learned just because someone tells you something enough times it does not make it true. I am not crazy,he is. I am not a bitch, he is a bastard. I am not a whore, he is. His ugly projections are not me, never were or will be. I was naive, stupid and did not follow my head. I did not read the red flags. If there is a next time I will. For now, I am healing,I do not want to be with anyone now,maybe ever, but that is my choice. I will try to take each day and not be so hard on my self. He did this to me. He knew he was mentally ill and never shared this with me. For that he will answer to his higher being.

What I would like for those of you out there reading this is to reevaluate your relationships,If you are the new manic fling, listen to what they say. Soon enough it will be you who is crazy, a bit@# etc. Look see.

For those of us that were the steady look reevaluate. Is a second chance going to change anything.

He was never medicated. There are times I would have liked to have tried it with meds. He is weak. He likes crazy. He will not change.

This is not the life I thought i would have nor he the man he pretended to be.

Post edited by: chelle005, at: 12/03/2012 05:46 PM

Reply

03/10/2012 05:55 PM
taylynn
taylynn  
Posts: 1866
Senior Member

wow chelle..you have been thru it! IT is a scary thing. I hate mania..it's sad he doesn't want to be medicated..but either way you are much better off without him! doesn't make it any easier though, does it? scary about the wife..scary stuff..

03/10/2012 08:02 PM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13302
Group Leader

For those that come here

and begin their post with these words :

I think my boyfriend is bipolar

and he left, do they come back ?

We have been together for three months

he is my soul mate

READ THIS THREAD (above)

"Wat I would like for those of you out there reading this is to reevaluate your relationships,If you are the new manic fling, listen to what they say. Soon enough it will be you who is crazy, a bit@# etc."

THEN CHANGE THE LOCKS

or

come back and post here about how screwed up you are

wondering

if he really ever loved you

saying it is not his fault he slept with another woman

he is hyper sexual and needs meds

he wont take them

and you are not sure if he is

and he has put holes in the doors

abused your children

asking us IF and WHEN he is coming back.

Your choice.

Good post chelle.

thx

Post edited by: livinginablender, at: 03/10/2012 08:06 PM


03/10/2012 10:42 PM
DrDiva
DrDiva  
Posts: 2929
Senior Member

I know I got off easy. I was his first wife. The next one might not be as much of a fighter as me. She gets what she deserves, and yet I still have compassion for her. She doesn't see IT coming. Desperate people call for desperate people. Chelle, you are wonderful and inspiring. You have a great sense of humor about it all. No, none of us knew what IT was. But IT ate us alive. The operative word being ALIVE. We were the lucky ones.

03/11/2012 08:57 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

Alive,yes diva,alive

03/26/2012 12:33 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

bump for Denver....this is my story. maybe it will help

03/26/2012 01:48 PM
Denver80
 
Posts: 22
Member

Thanks Chelle.

03/28/2012 07:18 PM
shjihm
shjihmPosts: 175
Member

Funny isn't it? I never put two and two together either. I was so used to the constant ups and downs that it never occurred to me it wasn't normal. I just thought we weren't a good match.

Now I know better.

I hope I never forget.


03/28/2012 08:18 PM
hythloday
hythloday  
Posts: 414
Member

That was one intense narrative! I'm glad you and your children survived it all!!!

For me this whole thing has been so much more gradual.


04/11/2012 09:44 AM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

bump
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