MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
03/02/2012 11:42 PM

broke down and contacted my BP ex(page 3)

confusedlady
confusedlady  
Posts: 101
Member

@Invisible: right on. I related spot-on to your post, all of it.
Reply

03/03/2012 12:38 AM
rainflower
 
Posts: 646
Member

A week ago, when the cut off contact was fresh, I was online shopping to distract myself from the pain and confusion. I came across a pair of shoes I wanted. I decided to buy them since finding shoes my size is hard. However, I kept going back and forth for DAYS. I couldn't make myself spend $25 on myself. Why? I felt like I should be saving incase he does pop up again. I was planning on visiting him before he cut contact, so my brain was still in the "us" stage. After going back and forth, I finally closed my eyes and hit "submit" on the last day the coupon I found was good for. I cannot tell you how much anxiety there was over spending freaking $25 on an unnecessary item.

Ever since then, it got me wondering, why exactly did I act that way? Why am I still saving for something that most likely will not happen? Why am I so afraid to spend any money?

Tonight, while speaking to a friend, we were talking about that missing piece we could not figure out. What keeps us holding on. What makes us keep going back. Sure, love... but there must be more. I thought back to my experience with my online shopping and BAM! It hit me! It's my mindset.

I am so used to thinking about HIM and worrying about HIM and trying to hold our relationship together so we were a we, that I had forgotton how to focus on ME. I forgot how to be an individual. It suddenly just became so obvious. I had put him first so much that I don't remember how to put myself before anything else.

I am nowhere near healed. I am just beginning. I broke my facebook stalking addiction. I realize that it's only hurting myself. I don't need to know what he's doing with the future he stole from me. I don't need to see him enjoying something we were supposed to enjoy together. It won't make him come back. If he's gonna call, he will call when he feels like it. I blocked his facebook and I am now working on figuring out who the hell rainflower really is.

Does part of me wait for a call everyone apparently knows will come? Yes. Am I still in the fog? Of course, I still cannot see the pattern everyone speaks of that would lead them to believe he will come back. I still have many moments where I think he is happy, healthy and successful. Just because I know things doesn't mean that I'm suddenly cured. I got lots of "me" work. There are many layers as to why exactly I still hold on partly. Conditioning, self respect/esteem, love, addiction, self identity, and I am sure there's more.

However, I also realize that he had me believing it was something I had done. No, it's not. Just like every other time he's pulled this stunt, I had done nothing wrong. I have to remember that he had issues long before I came into the picture. He chose not to fix them with me so he's going to have them even after I'm not in the picture. I forget this important fact. Proof that I am lacking in my self esteem.


03/03/2012 09:23 AM
confusedlady
confusedlady  
Posts: 101
Member

Rainflower - awesome! You're on the path! "Just because I know things doesn't mean that I'm suddenly cured. I got lots of "me" work." - yes, and you're doing the work!

I'm glad you bought the shoes. Every time you wear them, remember that you "broke the spell" when you bought em. I know what you mean with the fog - the tendrils hanging on - with every thought and contact with him. I think, over time, as as we nourish ourselves (vs. the "we"Wink, it clears. I'm rooting for you Smile


03/05/2012 12:36 AM
confusedlady
confusedlady  
Posts: 101
Member

@NYC:

After this last texting tirade, where he let the narcissist loose completely, I truly got the sense of him having "stopped being that person long ago" too. I wonder if he ever was like that, and is slowly dying to the disease, or if the narcissist was lurking the whole time, softening me up with the "sweet guy" and getting ready to pounce on me?

I still don't have answers to that. I ponder the "can people be evil" question all the time.

And, that really sucks you have to deal with accusations she made in court! WOW. At least mine kept it under the table! Keep your wits about you.

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 3 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved