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02/17/2012 09:43 PM

Moving on...?

DrDiva
DrDiva  
Posts: 2929
Senior Member

My husband has made no effort to contact me in over 6 weeks. I honestly think I have lost all love and caring for him other than as a faded memory of what used to be. I really never thought that would happen, but it has. I think he has burned out that part of my mind by being so very hurtful and awful to me in his mania.

I am presented with the dilemma of what to do with a possible new love. I am not divorced yet and I need to do it, I know. I was hoping he would come out of his mania and realize what he was throwing away. But it has just been too long and he has been absolutely evil to me. The last thing he said to me was "I want my money". I am afraid to move on a divorce because I'm afraid he will do as many have described and try to get money from me in a punishing manner that leaves both of us utterly broke, or worse, in debt. I am by no means flush, and he forced me to spend a lot of money on a lawyer and debt repayments of his already. I have absolutely had it with him. I have this beautiful new man in front of me. I really would like to have a relationship with him. He's 11 years younger but I feel like there is no age difference. He wants me to move on the divorce now. He knows that I will not so much as hold his hand until the papers are filed and the motion is complete. That's just how I feel an honorable person should act.

At this point, I feel like my hands are tied! So frustrating! Any advice?

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02/17/2012 10:48 PM
marriedtoit
marriedtoit  
Posts: 11205
VIP Member

Dr Diva. I am glad you have someone who makes you feel special and loved. But my honest opinion is that you are not ready for a relationship yet. Aren't you afraid you might be on the rebound and might hurt this great guy when you bounce out of the rebound?

I think you should separate from your husband officially (if you have not already) and file for divorce at the earliest possible date. I would refrain, just my opinion from being 52 and not unobservant, from getting into any new relationships that are deep now. You aren't ready. You have to mourn and heal first.

All this is my opinion. I also know how great it feels to be loved and desired after a rejection. The problem is....if you are doing it on the rebound, you will just be paying the rejection forward. And that just makes the oil spill from your relationship more toxic, if that makes sense.


02/17/2012 11:01 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

Diva Girl, six weeks is not that long.I know he is doing his fling thing,but there is no rush. My lawyer told me to wait for an official divorce 3 months before my next wedding yah right,been there done that,but just have fun being single,get to know yourself again. You just met this guy last week.The divorce class I started and realized I was not ready for nor was this a normal break up, said to wait 1 year for every five you were together. If you are not healthy and have not recovered you will not be able to have a healthy relationship in the future. I am not saying you are not, i am just going by what I felt at the 6 week mark. I was angry,hurt, and wanted revenge. Around 10 month mark,angry hurt want revenge. I am still a work in progress lol

02/17/2012 11:12 PM
DrDiva
DrDiva  
Posts: 2929
Senior Member

I totally get where you guys are coming from. I told him that I need a lot of time to heal and get past the divorce. We have agreed to be friends as we have been for almost two years. He just cares about me and doesn't want to see me continue on in this horrible situation. He knows it will be a while before I can be with anyone. I haven't lived with my husband in 6 months, and he has been having an affair for a year and has lived with the OW for the past 6 months. I didn't think of it as a rejection that I need to get over. I tried so hard to understand and be there for him, but this is the way he has chosen. It is truly awful to be in my position. And don't worry about me, I will be a good girl and keep my hands on the table. He is getting out of a long term relationship now, too, so it's not quite going to be let's get stupid drunk and jump in bed time. That is not in my belief system anyway. Building up tension is nothing but good. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I can file for divorce any time now. BUT, what about the financial repercussions? That is my worry in filing.

02/17/2012 11:24 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

If he is still in the mode and finds out you are with someone else, he will nail you to the wall. I misread your post. 6 months is better, and knowing him for 2 years is good.In my case it is not the rejection either, that is the disease, it is trying to trust my self and my decisions, healing from the words and trying to remember which way is up. I got so lost and confused in his madness, i lost me. The kids and I decided today that spaghetti sauce in a jar is better then his homemade. Little things like that i can finally decide on my own with out his control. I don't know if he was controlling, but i was not allowed to have a thought of my own his dinners,his movies, his clothes for me,god forbid i show some cleavage or leg .In my case these are things i need to relearn about me before i can go out there again. it is tempting. i miss having someone to hold me.

02/18/2012 10:13 PM
DrDiva
DrDiva  
Posts: 2929
Senior Member

I miss having someone to hold me too. I have a warm puppy though!

I talked to my psychologist today on the phone, she called me! on a saturday! just to check on me.

She encouraged me to go ahead and file for divorce. I feel a little more bolstered to do it now.

Just not knowing what will happen when he gets served papers is very difficult. I am planning to go talk to his Dad maybe Monday about it. He will be in my corner if things get crazy. I can't go on living in limbo while he gets his bimbo. I have actually stopped caring since we have gone no contact. I am here to tell you, no contact WORKS. at the month line, it was like, poof. Of course it doesn't hurt to receive attention from someone else. Even if they are just good friends. Soon I'll have two roommates. It will be weird. My first thought is: I need more pajamas! lol


02/20/2012 11:33 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

My puppy pees. Has to stay in her kennel for now.

Would those be Victoria's pjs or target clearance?


02/21/2012 07:32 AM
DrDiva
DrDiva  
Posts: 2929
Senior Member

target clearance all the way!!! Although vs has sonera surprisingly comfy and non see through stuff too! ( ;

02/21/2012 12:49 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

Who knew???

02/22/2012 08:40 PM
DrDiva
DrDiva  
Posts: 2929
Senior Member

Even vs has clearance twice a year. I usually score some cute stuff then.

Roommates are moving in tomorrow. This is real. Should be fun to have some young guys around to tease and watch movies with. One likes to build stuff and cook, one likes to lift stuff and eat. perfect. Lord knows I need to keep my mind off all the crap my hubs is trying to stir up again.

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