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02/26/2012 05:34 AM

Seeing I am helpless to this illness that has her(page 7)

recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

It is sunday, I am cold. I hurt. I have seven kids and I have to keep going.
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02/26/2012 01:10 PM
chelle005
chelle005Posts: 2466
Group Leader

Reality will make the moving on process easier.

7 kids ! wow If you count my ex step kid I had 7 also. They don't count me anymore.


02/27/2012 08:36 PM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

Chelle005 you count!

02/28/2012 04:58 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

Its been very quiet to me these last few days, I have tried to not feel anything...my thinking is if I am quiet enough perhaps I will be able to hear some truth that has eluded me. It feels like an endless wrestling match I am in, that has no bell. On any given day I go through Sick Shocked Smile Tongue Wink Cool Angry Kissing Unsure Sad W00t Silly Pinch Blink Sideways Whistling Devil Dizzy Ermm Wassat Blush Sad so being still has felt like a vacation from these.......hearing what you are saying to me...feeling my place in this reality is getting to me in a way I didn't think was going to be possible. I actually am starting to sort of smile at my situation..musing at the fact of how relentless I have poured my life frantically to not loose the woman I love...thinking I can prevent what has already happened. I am of the mind to be pleased by my act of not accepting what I did not want to let be, sort of refusing what I could not understand. Who would want to loose a loved one suddenly???...I am proud I am stubborn and would face anything, like a mother protecting her child from forces stronger than her, but you wouldn't know it by the way she stands there. I consider that valor, that true women have shown to me through life, to be what love is and I honor that love in who I am. Thank you mom for your strong, loving good heart that helped shape my love map. Thanks for the romantic movie writers for your. "love is all you need endings". If I didn't have so many beautiful, honorable, beliefs in love and what I think is right...I wouldn't have the privilege of feeling so much. Thank you for being careful with me in helping me accept......on these posts that I have read here.....I am in awe of your skilled love. I will just sit now....for a while and let in what I have fought so hard not to.........

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/28/2012 05:00 AM


02/28/2012 07:14 AM
forfor
forfor  
Posts: 935
Member

Good morning Recovering. Big hug. I'm trying to keep up with you. Has your wife left? Ya'll still living in the same house or not?

I'm curious about the kids. You havent mentioned thier ages that I know of? How are they doing?

Because I care...I think you sound a lil depressed. Of course that is natural! Are you taking care of yourself in that way? Do you have some support? You mentioned your momma. Take care of you best you can. You can do this. You have all this love inside your soul and I know your children and the rest of this world will enjoy receiving it!


02/28/2012 03:00 PM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

my oldest is 21-b, 19-g, 18-g, 16-g, 13-b, 10-g, 5-g...they are doing well, in all this I have deflected most everything. I am feeling or do or have depressed, been noticing that a lot lately. Especially before I came here. I have mdj and some friends family eeee eee sort of...but mostly mdj.

03/07/2012 10:07 AM
forfor
forfor  
Posts: 935
Member

Are you hanging in there Recovering? I didnt forget about you! you havent posted in a while.......I never know if ppl just dont have time or what.....HEY HOW U DOIN?

03/08/2012 04:23 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I am still here and mostly watch the posts...learning quietly how messed up all this is, I feel if I keep saying the same thing I feel in painful redundant expressions then I am not applying the very pricey life advice I am getting here from those who have gone before me....I feel overwhelmed by my pain but hopeful non-the-less. I am sad though, thank you for checking in.... I feel I have failed myself somehow or something...I don't know really...it just eats at me how my love and kindness got me screwed. I hate how love does not matter or any right kindness has no affect or really how ill placed it is in a relationship with a person who is Ex-Bp....ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

03/08/2012 09:44 AM
Purplelover
 
Posts: 43
Member

4Love,

What you are feeling is what we all are dealing with in some form or another. I have been with my husband for 28 years and I never thought that at this point in mylife I would be trying to decide what to do or where to go. He has us so in debt that I have no way out. He has his good days and bad weekends often. Heis so addicted to his ADD meds that he cannot function without them. Doctor said it is often a symptom of BP is getting ADD. He is on 6 meds daily to control this horrible monster called BP. The thing that makes me crazy (well one of many really)is when he can act totally nice and normal and put on a show for others but then he is an ass to me. It is so fake and it makes me sick. Heneeds to grovel more and beg for forgiveness but no he is too smug! I am so sorry for what you are going through it is very hard but this is a greatplace to come so you can vent to others that get it!!!


03/08/2012 10:12 AM
forfor
forfor  
Posts: 935
Member

Recov.. parden my intrusive blunt rudeness.(smack me later ok). You are more than a little depressed. You are devastated and A.LOT. depressed. I understand what it feels like to be a lot depressed and also know what it feels like to be helpless agains the bp stranger that replaced your lovely wife. I don't know why I have this check in my spirit about u and your fam. I wake up in the middle of the night to pray for you.

Please find some support. Don't let the illness completely steal your joy forever . Goodness knows I know how bad this hurts. Preacher, counselor, family, bp hotline, something. Anti depressant? Dude get a buddy! You are not alone in this. I know there is somebody somewhere that can give you a physical hug.

When I was hurting and hopeless I felt like nobody would understand or agree with me. I turned off my light for a short time. Recov its time for you to turn your light back on and let somebody in. You can do this. Your writing, your children ....you are so smart and loving . Get up and decide on an action plan to try and feel a lil better. If u need it, let someone help you..your thoughts are in a deep place. You have thought it thru over and over...it may change, it may not. YOU ARE SO WORTH IT. Ok you and the others can smack me now!

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