MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
02/19/2012 11:00 AM

Seeing I am helpless to this illness that has her(page 5)

mhedglin
 
Posts: 9
New Member

I agree with forfor.I told my spouse a long time ago that if he refused to take his meds and didnt love me enough to try and stay stable, then we were through...period.We have been together almost 19 years and even though there are times when he still has problems with his meds not being strong enough & he starts hearing voices,he trys his best to be strong.He loves me and takes his meds faithfully and I believe if their medication is right (if the doctor cant make it right,find a dr who can)then it is up to them to decide if they want a relationship with us.If they dont care enough to do that when they are thinking right,then I believe you have to make a decision that is right for you.Sometimes that is enough to scare them into treating you (ie taking their meds) as you deserve to be treated.No one should have to live their life with the nightmare of pychotic episodes over & over & over.That wont happen if the meds are right & they are taking them every time they are suppose to.You may have to set them up & give them to her for awhile.If she balks at this,tell her its either that or you are leaving and then do it.
Reply

02/21/2012 05:50 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I see things from the perspective of being me, but ME love's... how is it Exp-Bp people are not concerned? Why are they drawn towards pleasing themselves only, why are they not healthy, why are they sick minded, mentally ill, what is it that is triggered and they become careless, thoughtless, why are they devoid of noble and kind characteristics, what are they really? What are we seeing..or better...what are we not seeing. What if love and kindness and all these attributes of higher living, all the noble love, grace, etc....means nothing or has no bearing on mental illness...and the person I love is only and just mentally ill. I throw myself into helping them but at the same time I struggle with the way they treat me or themselves...I hold love in my hand with a belief that love means something to them and will be vindicated...but they never actually saw that and kept slapping love out of my hand...until I began to question everything I believed. Until I was rational and looked at the illness and rightly gauged my true limitations to its existence... categorized its nature, labeled its reactions, safeguarded myself from its reach...didn't allow it to fool me it was like me....accepted it was what it was. yuck.

02/21/2012 03:31 PM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I am going dancing tonight...taking lessons. An attempt to fill in the uneasy with something else...I will Fox Trot this away.....lol.

02/21/2012 09:07 PM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

It didn't go away, oh well, I feel angry...uncanny how its all the same. lsadffffffffffffffffk

02/22/2012 05:30 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I am mad at the whole bp thing. The way I tried so hard to push against what I thought would relent. I guess I am angry at myself for not knowing enough to have not suffered so much confusion and anguish.

Someone wrote: I stayed b/c I needed it to mean something...if he would just change and become the man I wanted him to be then the abuse would not have been in vain.

And: I stuck it out because I loved her so much and I was in hope that things were going to change. I was not about to allow 25 years down the drain.....then she did me a favor, she got rid of me.

And: Now, I am finding out why I stayed. God to I agree with sososad51 comment and with the fact that when you are going through this you do not realize you are being abused....its about living in hope and being in denial.

And: I just WANT it to work, I think I just want to have a family with him, grow old with him. When he isn't manic, we get along so well, he is so funny, we have so much in common, we love our baby boy so much....I just WANT it to work...that's why I stayed...

And:One is that I don't think my hubby will see our son if I leave, and part of me wants him in his life, if only a little

And:If they loved us then why are they doing this to us. I thought we were a family. Apparently I was wrong. He says we never were and he hates me. I think that is probably the first truthful thing he ever told me

And:, and I give in. I feel sorry for him, I think...oh its not that bad. But then I write it down, and read it over, and wonder why I am still here.......

And: But thier over riding sense of entitlement to behave how they want is a bigger love affair

And:I think we stay b/c we have to justify why we allow the abuse

I was trying to figure out why I have done all this, if I am searching for a rational thought as to why...it must mean that I am seeing something I could not before, and that the "putting things together" part of me is getting stronger than the "wish this was not happening" part of me. I am looking for what seemed to have struck a cord in my own reasoning when I was looking over the comments made by others. If I am trying to understand why I allowed this it could only mean I am understanding the price I have paid to hold onto my ideals and that it is no longer ok, I know I have lost certain joys I once felt, I am wondering where I went. and how I got here. So much of this I just didn't know what the heck was going on and didn't understand that Bp was even real or definable and could be applied to explain a human being because I thought humans were above or could be above anything. I guess I am understanding where all the wrong agreements are and I am rearranging my value system.

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/22/2012 06:27 AM


02/22/2012 06:53 AM
sososad51
sososad51Posts: 2388
VIP Member

Recovering, keep posting. You are such an articulate writer. I can totally feel our grief from your posts.

You should consider writing a book about grieving the loss of someone to a mental illness. It's a book we all need.

Big hugs to you!


02/22/2012 07:12 PM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

Looking back to see what happened, second guessing, what the, huh, what just happened, (got this from sososad)I can see I am trying to figure out what happened so I can prevent a repeat of pain, to understand what I missed here, like a cub that just didn't quite figure if it was actually the porcupine that did that...lol life is new to me all the time. Especially in relationships...I was certainly not versed in what was what for mental illness...but boy am I now!:well bp anyway is getting easier to understand... seems the whole idea of trying to figure out what happened is a powerful automatic survival mechanism that is adamant to hound me until I am emotionally intelligent about this event, since we are all interacting with emotions. SO I can have an inference of love, creating the solidarity for nurturing and warmth and because it is really, really great when it is warm, cozy and snugly perfect. Or that is what I like anyway. T.V. never really explained anything like what happened to me(my wife and I) Nor the pulpit, and certainly not the school systems, it wasn't in the paper or a bill board, nopie!!...not even my mom or dad had a clue. The president didn't warn me, nature really didn't show me anything...I don't remember really anything that said watch out!!! that has quills....lol lol lol nope I just got stuck and wasn't really ready at all. KaBAm!! So here I am trying to figure out what the!!and get these things out of my face with seemingly no hands to speak of really. Rubbing my nose around and spinning in circles and well you get the picture.

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/22/2012 07:16 PM

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/22/2012 07:20 PM


02/23/2012 04:59 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

So, I was thinking I am or have felt trapped by my own love and belief, how do you care too much for someone? I have cared for the person..the human underneath the disease, but the disease has been trying to kill me...and not for any real purpose actually. Just a lousy disease that stands against everything beautiful. It has been a slow process for me to get the two separated enough to properly shield myself from its next attack. The disease is not the person and not a person, it is a nebula of reactions, confusion, and mis-aligned agreements, triggers, and unhealthy brain functions....carried out by a human, the most powerful, alive force in the known universe....so why wouldn't it be dangerous. Like waving around a loaded gun into a crowd and discharging it, and people get hurt. That is what it is like...a sick human is that gun...no matter what you want to wish or think, they are capable of killing and hurting and maiming others. No one is ready and it does not have a reason, it is unexpected, and everyone is in shock...why..why did they do that..because we are rational we search for the reasons...because in our world, in rationality, there would seem to be a need to properly categorize the why so we can protect ourselves from the insanity of not ever being able to be safe. Like a dear or rabbit that is lunch to a tiger all the time we would be on hyper instinctual survival and not have time to develop emotional mental love and kindness. and we are not on high survival mode, and we should not be getting tagged by our own kind...its insane really. and that is insanity..mental illness..disease..a human going off and hurting others. Its not the gun that did it, it is the person wielding the gun that kills.....soooo??? a human hurting others with their "will,power, existence" using their bodies, minds, emotions, get past our radar by default. They are the gun, bullet, and controller all in one. We start screaming WHY! and search in the confines of our knowledge base and keep coming back to the human that went off to ask them "why are you doing this" ...so we can find a rational reasoning that we can work with to live a peaceful, healthy, warm, life. So the person I fell in love with, IS dangerous...period. She...can go off and kill everything for no reason that can be categorized, found, solved, understood, corrected, I can yell, stomp, scream, plead, beg, cry, search, push...just about everything I can do at the gun, but it is just a gun...and that's all. just a gun...I am yelling at something that just is...just is. I can put a trigger lock on a gun, that does not change it from being a gun, it is just an understood step of rational precaution to prevent the gun from going of or killing someone. Now how do I put a trigger lock on a sick human????Meds, ...put meds on the reactions....and therapy..put therapy on the desires...and consequences on infractions. Oh man see that you went off!!! and shot my leg again so I am going to put you on more meds dude!! and double your therapy, and and and if that is not enough to curtail your rampage I am going to ______________ and what ever that is they consider enough about themselves to take minute to ensure their own comfort because at least they have that...sometimes. And then I am like...ok...I am sure this will work or get through and she will be all better now. Yeah that's like saying the gun is not loaded!!!

So here I am, a human with a loaded gun...and I am just going to throw it in the street. Yeah right. First of all I love us, so why would I do that ....and I gave my love to her...I would do that to another person??? to the world at large...just give them a sick loaded human. It seems here I am making the most out of what I am but for the toss of dice, I mean because it would be cruel to think the creator wanted her to be sick and not me. I don't want to be like our stupid immature government...stick my head in the sand. So she is sick and I am not...I didn't know...she didn't know...I love her she's sick...I think she needs love but she may not actually (lol that may just be me projecting my healthy human nature)...and I see...am I benevolent? like God. I just feel needy oh sooooo needy...to that idea. I am a craving warmth love peaceful needy whatever.: human who is trying to figure it out. I don't know.

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/23/2012 04:59 AM

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/23/2012 05:29 AM

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/23/2012 05:31 AM

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/23/2012 05:46 AM


02/23/2012 07:01 AM
forfor
forfor  
Posts: 935
Member

Good morning Recovering! Big hug. You have some mighty deep thoughts early in the morning! The other poster is right. You have skills expressing yourself by using word pictures. I read once that men understand more clearly what us women are trying to say if we can example with concrete word pictures. My hubs is a mechanic by trade. He understood one time with great sorrow when I said "when you yell at me like that its like throwing battery acid on my face. It burns long after I wash it off, and hubby, it leaves scars".

I am a bit confused on how you are separating the bp from your wife, or whether or not you are. That is a fine line and I caution you. For me its more like the gun has grown into her hand and it cannot be removed without irreversible damage. Example: calling a person Blind Joe. That is not politically correct because that mentions the disability first thereby defining him by his disability. Whereas that's Joe, he is blind. Representing the person first acknowledges the person first and the disability as secondary.

I can see you are trying to despise the illness rather than despise your wife. We all want to do that! But like other illnesses or disabilities, they are kinda stuck together, you know? Until the point of no return (some opinions differ) and they cannot regain their mind back, your wife is not completely helpless against the bp. There ARE things and tools she can use to keep it at bay for most of the time. I think deep down you know that and that is why it is much more comforting to think that she nor anyone can control it. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Hate the illness, not the sick person. It is ONLY MY opinion but bp and other illnesses like it fits into some other category. I'm not sure what.

There is an expert that does view it like you. He views it as something our loved ones cannot control . Jay Carter "Bipolar-the Elements of Bipolar" Very interesting insight in my opinion. It was helpful to me. My counselor recommended it to me.

Bottom line, nobody walks in your shoes. You love your wife dearly and you have children to love and care for. We have to do what we are able to do the very best we can.....in our own way. I hope this post did not come across the wrong way (I'm notorious for that). I want to encourage you! Your analysis of bipolar seems spot on to me, bc we as the SO do not have any control over it! Personally I hang on to the hope that my hub does have a fight in this battle against this monster. Otherwise my depression would overcome my own will and I would feel hopeless. Hopeless sucks.

I have been married 16 yrs and I knew abt the dx before we married. It is possible! That being said, I just recently experienced the worst episode of our whole marriage. I choose to stay bc I feel like he follows the "rules" with all the might he possesses. It's worth it to me. We all have different shoes to walk in. I'm keeping mine. (For now!) I have my limits......we all do..

Your writing is special indeed. Keep it up . Work it through in your own mind. I wish you and your family the best.


02/23/2012 08:26 PM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

Yeah, I was restless this morning, I had the strangest dream...never had one like it. Thank you for the hug....i needed it. I am so tired tonight.
Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 5 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved