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02/09/2012 05:51 AM

Seeing I am helpless to this illness that has her(page 4)

recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

Thank you celle...I think like this also. But I have been seeing, now that I am talking to people finally, I have given so much of myself in love to a blender! But..no, seriously!...here I have been struck down by this and didn't even know really..I am really know!...that...that it..that this blender and not person was going to chop me up anytime, anyway, at any cost because it(Bp) is a cool,steel,real, Blender. I am trying to make a blender not be a blender, what part of my existence as a human became a blenders meal?...I have kept applying love, relational endurance's, reasonable love expectations, rational reciprocation, emotional intelligence, hope, faith, kindness, compassion, strength, determination, devotional, loyalty, FAITH AGAIN, faith...faith...to a blender...I think I may change the description of Bp to BLD so I can retain the right perspective to the way it will respond to the various loves I toss in it...it will blend them up and blend them and chop them and blend them and blend them. I married a person who cannot be a person...how is that!?I feel like I am killing my idea of what a person is by accepting that a person can be unable to function as a kind human and can only be a Blender or Chopper or Cruel, mean,thoughtless,void,selfish,idiotic,moronic,dangerous,call ous,manipulative,infantile,clueless,...these being the blades that are at the ready instead of kindness, talking, relating, finding, love, consideration, hope, faith, etc....

Am I trying to let go of what I think and accept what is? Am I lost, how did I get dropped into a jungle and then be part of a spectacle to see how I have managed to survive? How did I get here? How many agreements of love and faith have I accepted to pour my soul and heart out to a disease that could care less how I feel or what I believe. I am a bit nervous to let this come into me...what if I am wrong. Can a person be a Blender? because they???????????what?!!! are? because their minds cannot stop, because they cannot stop their minds. They are lost and helpless, they are what they are?

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02/09/2012 07:19 AM
Purplelover
 
Posts: 43
Member

Recovering,

This is a very long and winding road. I have been dealing with this for years, he is on meds and has been to doctor's therapists and he still won't do what he should. I cannot feel badly for him anymore, protect you and your kids. We are all going through or have gone through what you are so let us help.


02/09/2012 08:17 PM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I am not going to feel badly for her as I can...I think...day by day.

I don't like it that she cannot be more capable...


02/11/2012 05:18 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I am feeling better inside about the reality of this...it seems everyone is in the same boat when it comes to their spouse not being "lets say cooperative" capable, reasonable, empathetic, consistently compassionate. I thought my world was enormous and alone, but I am not alone. The first time the Bp came on we were doing good or so I thought....It seemed to me that things were starting to get somewhere ...I will have to complete this later...gotta go

02/18/2012 05:19 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

Thank you Tamirah for asking how I am doing, I really needed that.

02/18/2012 05:21 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I am hanging in here, sososad, sometimes just barely, I am going to find my way through this !!!!!! Thanks

02/18/2012 09:13 AM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13484
Group Leader

ALL OF IT

IT REAL

ALL OF IT

IS TRUTH.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us .

STAY STRONG


02/19/2012 04:11 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

I couldn't sleep, I am up early. I look at pictures(our family ones) and think "what was I not seeing?" I thought one way but things were not like that? I don't think you can see Bp until it destroy's something. Usually the most important thing...trust and love or some parts of it anyway. So I can't have that back...innocent love. Nope. I can't have my memories? It sort of steals everything. I am thinking, probably just like any betrayal does, who is every ready for anything like? that where your love is real, and you are stabbed. OMG I used to feel and think so much more beautiful than what I have been trying to get out of my head these last years. I am so glad to finally bleed out my pain, here on this site. I really didn't know where I was.... I thought my wife was that part of what is beautiful, the tender, sincere part of humanity, a woman..oh how amazing women are...just completely! but I didn't know..or...fathom such pain could come from trusting...from loving. But it can. YOu can love, hope, share soooo very innocently .... but trying process that our life together was nothing is crazy!! It was, I was, real....and love means nothing to those who are lost or sick. Love means something to me..and fidelity, and all of it that is beautiful. But to a sick person, mentally ill, they are not part of that reality or agreement, they are not part of what is humanity. human humble kind believing tender compassionate non-of-it! They are...........sick she was sick, ill, not well, not in this world, but in sick...sick and throwing up on everything...many things got messy from the vomit that came from the churning emotional nausea...the fever of disconnectedness, the break from real to hallucination. Sick...this person is sick..not capable..not well..not in true form...not functioning...not rational...they look well, eat, breathe, laugh, want, cry, they look like they are making choices, contemplation, discerning, they blame, they act like they know what they are doing for whatever reasons that make sense to them...but in the end they are sick. and are not doing all that. They are human in physical form, have a large degree of anonymity in not being seen as sick because of the form of emotions that are displayed to interact with but these are not really intentional but also, at the same time, they are not safe because you get trapped by trying to emotionally nurture your life with them...they are not diabolical because they actually think they are reacting to some sort of reasonable protective perception...to them anyway. I don't think I have known what IS sickness to the human experience of love and sharing love. They are like oil and water...it doesn't matter how hard you try to combine them...they don't mix. It doesn't mix...you can't save it, change it, over come it, it is ...a reality...an undeniable.

Post edited by: recovering4love, at: 02/19/2012 05:48 AM


02/19/2012 05:39 AM
fullohope
fullohopePosts: 14
New Member

You are not alone. We have an amazing capacity to heal. And we will feel joy and love and trust in our hearts again.

I know what you mean by "what was I not seeing". I'm still reeling from that feeling. And I couldn't see BP until my heart hardened up and cracked and now the relationship is on the rocks.

Really feeling your pain. And so much sadness. I feel like I have a broken heart, even though I'm the one who's contemplating leaving the relationship. He doesn't want me to leave. Wants to be with me forever he says. My husband was diagnosed a month ago and its making me rethink the entire decade plus we've been together. Luckily, he has been very loving. Does it balance out all the times he's been raging? I just feel so emotionally drained and don't know what next. Sooo thankful for this forum.

Thank you recovering4love for sharing such hard, heart-felt feelings.


02/19/2012 08:10 AM
recovering4love
recovering4love  
Posts: 124
Member

Why don't they "get manic" and perform multiple selfless acts with boundless love? If they really are out of control, why do their behaviors always trend toward pleasing themselves only? "Sadee"

Yes why is it a behavior of complete selfishness????????????????????????

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